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Doctor, doctor, give me the news

Bill:
I'm so glad this Matzusaka-Boras beast has a hard stop deadline of today (or tomorrow, depending), as dragging this out ad infinitum just wouldn't be good for my health.

 

Bill:
I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating …

 

Doug:
You know, when you think about it, the general condition of being a Boston Red Sox fan isn't especially healthy.

 

Bill:
Yeah, it's like constant exposure to second hand smoke and transfat.

 

Doug:
Seriously. I'm surprised they haven't added a question to the new patient forms at the doctah's office: "Do you follow the Red Sox? If so, how many games a week do you consume?"

 

Bill:
Yeah, that could lead right into the questions like "Do you have night sweats?" "Have you ever thought about hurting yourself or suicide?" "Does it sometimes feel like insects are crawling inside your legs?"

 

Doug:
You know it's probably only a mattah of time before they figure out the gene that causes one to become a die hahd sports fan. I can see it now, the obstetrician walks in and says, "Mr and Mrs O'Reily, I have some grave news for you."

 

Doug:
"What is it doctah, is the baby retahted?"

 

Doug:
"No, I'm afraid it's worse than that: A gene scan has found your child has an 80% chance of developing into a Yankees fan."

 

Bill:
And the parents would be all, "I don't care if we are Catholic: Abort! Abort! Abort!"

 

Comments

well thanks hb i just pissed myself...

Wow. A funny abortion joke. That's not easy to do! Well done HB.

Coffe-out-of-nose Syndrome has struck again.

Regarding Dice-K or whatever the hell his neickname is today, I've just been eating a lot of sushi the past few days.

If things work out well, I'm all set intestinally. If not, I'll just puke it all up into my Scott Boras commerative cuspidor.

I am really sick of this. Couldn't the money be better spent on booze and whores?


lc

"Better Life Through baseball"

If the nickname Dice-K ever really sets in, I will laugh and laugh and laugh.

"Little boy blew. He needed the money! Oaw!"

I'm hard pressed to think of a stranger and more annoying cultural phenomenon than the Andrew Dice Clay, comic for the Great Acidwashed Masses.

LC...money is ALWAYS better spent on booze and whores. Unless, of course, it's spent of drugs.

Yes, better to kill the Yankees fan at that point. The Sox fan parents realize that they would have long-term difficulties integrating the intelligent, motivated and successful child into a family of self-loathing losers with an IQ deficit of 15-20 points vs. their new sibling.

The EPA's claims that secondhand smoke is a carcinogen are AT BEST very tenuous. Another ruse to chip away at liberty by the government and special interest groups who "care about you."

If by intelligent you mean having an affinity for multiple fake gold chains, greasy, slicked-back hair, and pleather windbreakers, then yes, Yankee fans are highly intelligent.

(Jeez, that was just a joke, but even Spike Lee fits that description perfectly.)

"The Boston Herald reports that the Red Sox's latest offer to Daisuke Matsuzaka is for six years and a total of $48 million, while Matsuzaka is asking for $66 million over six years."

If that is accurate, the deal gets done

8 vs 11 mill a years means nuthin to Luscious

"with an IQ deficit of 15-20 points?

Right. That's why we have this famous Cheever quote: "All literary men are Red Sox fans - to be a Yankee fan in a literate society is to endanger your life."

Oh, and I love this excerpt found at Bronx Banter the other day from Arnold Hano's classic "A Day in the Bleachers."

"A Yankee fan is a complacent ignorant fat cat. He knows nothing about baseball except that the Yankees will win the pennant and the World Series more often than they won't and that a home run is the only gesture of any worth in the entire game. They have been fed on victory and on great dull stars such as Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle, and even these men they do not appreciate. They know that DiMaggio could hit the ball often and for great distances and that he could make marvelous plays in the outfield, but they never knew that he was one of the very best baserunners in the American League."

And then even Alex, the #1 Yankees blogger, confesses: "I think some of what Hano says still holds true today..."

Clap. Clap. ClapClapClap.

Heh.

I never thought I'd say this, but I can actually see Boras' point regarding the posting fee setting a standard for Matsuzaka's value. How is Boston supposed to a sign a guy for less than Gil Meche when they're willing to spend $51 million for the opportunity? They pretty well priced him up. If the Sox refuse to put the total value of the contract at least above the posting fee, I could easily see MLB considering it a failure to fairly negotiate.

I almost didn't come to the site today. I didn't want to hear about D-Mat or Dice-K or Mgonngityousucka or whatever. Now I be laughing. How silly of me to doubt.

Yeah, Dave, the apparent coronation by some of the name Dice-K is unfortunate. The guy hasn't even started in the US league and we're already cursing him with a crappy name.
"Congratulations, Mrs. Vanelli, it's a girl!"
"Oh, how precious. We'll call her Millie"

Dave, I respect your opinion, but that makes absolutely no sense to me... why should the total contract value (much of which is in furture dollars that must be discounted to be compared against the present day posting fee) be greater than the posting fee? The Meche argument is better. If Gil Meche is worth more than 11 mill a year- HEY GUESS WHAT HE FUCKING ISN'T- then Matsuzaka-san is worth about 25 mill a year. Shit, on that measure, I am worth at least 67 cents a year to some major league club (being a crafty lefty and all)

lc

Oh, IkeG, that's just cruel.

"Look, I think Millie is starting to talk."

"Yeah, right. Her lips aren't even moving."

...er...HB, I will cheerfully acknowledge the rampant boorishness of the Yankee fan. I nod to greasy youse-guyiness style of so many. But I'll stop well short of agreeing that the standard Yankee fan is not also a student of the game. As much as it may pain fans of the Sox, Yankee fans tend to have a deeply ingrained understanding of the game's dynamics. To Jason O's great chagrin I've likened him to an Italian dictator when held up to the game's true Churchills and Roosevelts, but like it or not, the Clipper's beauty on the basepaths is both well known and celebrated by even the most apish BigBri.

Fair enough, LC. I was further disabused of my argument by a colleague just now.

Dave-
Isn't that redundant? Aren't we all colleagues of lc?

Hey, Dave, I was quoting Alex who runs the site Bronx Banter and is a Yankees fan.

If you disagree with his assessment that "some of what Hano says still holds true today..." well, that's between the two of you to discuss.

I'm just the messenger.

Personally, I think both clubs have their share of smart guys and gals in general and smart guys and gals regarding baseball, team history and so forth.

But I think that while we like to point to those kinds of fans as the quintessence, in reality, the typical fan of either club is, er, not really up to that standard.

I'm sure you've been embarrassed by some your brethren in Yankees Stadium as often as I've been in Fenway of that variety of Sox fan.

Oh sorry, hb, I didn't know that A. Hano's and A. Belth's words were the word of God, and the unalloyed truth.

Henry Kissinger, Stephen Jay Gould, et al: All idiots, I'm sure.

Interesting Cheever Syllogism: Here's an equally valid one - "All men who make unfounded, stupid statements about their team's fan base are Red Sox fans."

Then again, we have Jay-Z.

But you have Affleck.

The good part is that neither fan base must deal with the collective embarrassment of the Chicago Bears...who have Jim Belushi making an ass of himself wherever he can find a camera at Soldier Field.

I sure hope Sox fans are not defined by our celebs or even our literary connections, (and please god, not our movies, I'm talking to you Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore) but rather by Average Joe and Average Jane.

Speaking for myself, I'd much rather have a conversation about baseball with your average Yanks fan than, say, your average Royals fan. If the tone remains civil, there is so much more to talk about, so much more intelligence about the game of baseball itself...

Must go douse self... flesh is burning.

Jason,

It's fairly common for one to quote others who support one's argument. But such quoting doesn't mean that those others are "the word of God."

But you know that, right? It's Rhetoric 101 stuff.

With that said, I totally respect Alex Belth as a Yankees fan, a blogger, and a writer, so, yeah, his words or thoughts on any given subject carry a lot of weight with me.

"Speaking for myself, I'd much rather have a conversation about baseball with your average Yanks fan than, say, your average Royals fan. If the tone remains civil, there is so much more to talk about, so much more intelligence about the game of baseball itself"

That's really good, Nat. In my experience, though, there are Four Levels to a baseball discussion with a Yankees fan.

Level One: You're a stupid RS Fan- you suck.

Level Two: We have a shared history and love of the Game. Life is glorious.

Level Three: I can remember more obscure shit than you can, and here is some of my remembering, right now.

Level Four: 27 championships, fuck-face.


I have had this conversation on more than one occasion and believe the architecture of the dialogue described above is fair and balanced.

lc

Right, hb, I was simply exposing the fallacy of argumentum ad verecundiam, or "argument from respect."

Authority A believes that P is true
Therefore P is true.

Rhetoric 101 and stuff. But please check me on this. I am just a Yankees fan and most likely not "literary" enough....

Agree with you on AB and "Banter." Must reading, along with this website.

I have a Yankees fan in the office with me. And beyond all of the Yankee-fan-as-Italian-steretype boorishness, here's what kills me the most. This guy fully believes, "If you don't win the title, the season was a waste. There was no reason for it to have existed." I find this to be the height of soullessnes, and the antithesis of what following such a long, long season is about. Blech.

Natalie,

You know Bill James is a Royals fan, right?

I suspect Bill J could hold his own in any discussion involving baseball.

But, of course, he's not average. Though that goes back to my previous comment: I think the "average" fan of any given team is about the same.

It's in the outliers where things get interesting.

lc- I love those levels- so true! Maybe I have been lucky in that most of my interactions (ex-boyfriends and relatives, mostly) have been Level 2.

But then again, my little brother is a lifelong Yanks fan (he's adopted...okay, not really) and depending on his mood it's a crapshoot whether we can have a fun level 2 discourse or whether he just zooms right to Level 4. When the latter, the little red phone icon on the right side of my cell becomes essential.

h.b. Point taken. Perhaps I am imagining not the Average Fan but one tier up, and because of the sheer volume of Yanks and Sox fans, there tend to be MORE of this tier than amongst other team's fans. We're also likely louder and have better publicity...

Fair enough, HB. Those are all excellent points. In addition to the idea that, shudder, when Yanks and Sox fans can find and maintain LC's level two their conversations can bear great fruit, I think Natalie hits the more important one that literati, bloggers, and celebs can only represent certain facets of fandom. I often see Bleth as a self-flaggelating fan type, which is, as you say, easy to be considering the great unwashed that one finds himself sitting next to at either Fenway or Yankee stadium. It's harder to pin down your blog as it is character-driven, and your opinions are often buried within voices that often don't represent you at all, but I'll venture I'd have no problem finding folks in high places (PHB, anyone?) who love to shit on their own. Egad, remember that horrific HBO special a few years back that had Leary and Affleck and God remembers who else ranting on about the Curse?

Soulie...I couldn't agree more with you about the absurdity of the opinion that no championship won equates to a failed season. Just ridiculous. Shockingly, I have actually found some of that attitude permeating the Sox fan since '04.

While we're on a nice Yankee-bashing binge (it sure brightens up an otherwise dull day), can someone please "I second that!" and take a full fledged shot at Angry Old Murray Chass' article over the weekend in the NYT about how 'many owners suspect Red Sox were tampering with (Drew) before he could be declared free agent' blah blah blah. Somebody didn't change his adult diaper that morning...

Fans are Fans and are generally excusable, but Chass is such a Homer, he makes CHB look 'fair and balanced'. Yeeech.

Truly if more Yankees fans were like Alex Belth or his cohort Cliff, it would mess up the cosmic karma and would leave us Red Sox fans totally confounded.

But, alas, the BigBri types outnumber the Alex Belth types by a factor of 10.

Now before J.O. goes all Brutus on my ass, as I've suggested already, the same could be said about Red Sox fans, i.e., the John Updikes among us are the minority.

And after the WS victory and the bandwagonism that ensued, the latter is even more so.

I often see Bleth as a self-flaggelating fan type ...

I've often thought Alex was a Red Sox fan trapped in a Yankee fan's body.

He has much of that "oh, no, what can go wrong now?" anxiety that has been the backbone of much Red Sox fan identity (pre Slappy McBlue and '04 of course).

Going Brutus?

Assassinate hb on the marble of the Senate floor? I would frown upon, and block, such an endeavor.

"O pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth, that I am meek and gentle with these butchers."

coffee out my nose H.B.! Great post H.B. I've always felt Yankees fans were nanderthals to be avoided at all costs.

Abort!, Abort!, Abort!!!

Jason O.'s words carry a lot of weight with me.

I'm usually a level 2 guy with level 1 left unspoken.

Abortion is never funny. (Just kiddin)

"The EPA's claims that secondhand smoke is a carcinogen are AT BEST very tenuous. Another ruse to chip away at liberty by the government and special interest groups who "care about you."

Wow I actually agree with a Yankees fan for once!

I love that line about booze and women. "I spent mosy of my money on booze and women. The rest I just wasted" Wise words of wisdom IMO.

And HB, love the abortion humor. Classic!

Heh... I am fairly well read myself but have learned to avoid the connection between the Red Sox and great literature. We will never remember Chomsky for a bloody sock, we will never remember Nabokov for stealing 3rd with 2 outs in the 9th, we will never remember Joyce for his brass balls, there is no Faulkner being Faulkner and Hemmingway has never had 2 walk off home runs in 2 playoff games in a single day. It took a bunch of idiots to do that, and I worry the noble savages of our day are all playing for other teams.

M

From the "depending" article above:

General manager Theo Epstein said “the decision is up to Matsuzaka-san”

[bows, smiling, grunts approvinlgy] "Ah, so, thank you Mistur Epstein-san for your gulacious offah." [Commits hara-kiri.]

Whew! I'm glad the discussion has seemed to level off at a comfortable DEFCON 2 on the lc Scale. Early in the going it looked as though Jason O. was careening toward DEFCON 4 territory. I might, too, were I reading Yankee blogs more regularly. But then again, I don't hang out at Yankee blogs defending the RS's honor.

By the bye, anybody have a quick fix for ridding the smell/taste of Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla from your nostrils?

Dave S., I'm uncomfortably in agreement with your Gil Meche argument. Dammit.

"we will never remember Nabokov for stealing 3rd"

Check me on this, but my impression was that H Humbert got to third base regularly....


lc

Check me on this, but my impression was that H Humbert got to third
base regularly....

Oh, that was superb. Simply superb.

And speaking for 3's...

"Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip in three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta."

(The above is perhaps my fave line from all literature, all time.)

hey rob in ct. not to beat a dead horse or anything but to rid yourself of the d/d prob.... i suggest scotch on the rocks a splash of water

Damn, a strip today that's right up my alley of genetics and the morals of using this power for aborting Yankee fans in the womb.

Why did it have to be today, when I'm tied up in meetings for like all day...

In the meantime, enjoy this recent news:

http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/extras/extra_bases/2006/12/dicek_en_route.html - Dice-K (shudder...) is on a flight to Beantown! Woohoo!

hb, don't forget a literary classic line:

"I never thought I would ever be writing in to Penthouse Forum, but I was a pool cleaner as a summer job in college and...."

Hey, Mikeya2k1. It worked! A double shot of my Oban 18 yr. (neat, though - not over rocks) did the trick.

And your suggestion had the added benefit of putting me a couple steps ahead of the rest of you in celebrating Ultra-Mothra getting on the plane wit' da Boyz for a flight home to Boston. Anyone ready to try to catch up to me?

What's the pick on where in the Midwest they toss Boras out of the plane? I say 35 miles West of Kansas City, not far from Topeka. Yeah, that sounds about right...

very funny, :) thanks hb.

glad i could help and id love to play catch up to but im guessin that if when i go to pick up my son at school with the necture of the gods on my breath it could get ugly.... 18 y/o oban huh... i know what im asking the inlaws to get me for xmas

I heard that Boras was singing as he got on the plane:
"
I've got a pocket full of pretty green
I'm going to buy me a hooker that's a near-teen
..."

hb, tomorrow's strip simply MUST show Bill returning Monday's phone call to Marty...

Actually, Ike, my buddy in Los Angeles sent me this LA Times breaking news headline. Read into it what you will:

"Super Agent found dead in East Los Angeles alley."

51 million for 6 years as reported on mike and the mad dog wfan

and bestest of all is there saying how bora got "bludgened" on this deal

boras

Mr.Boras,meet the electric massage :)

hey i got a question.... if d mat is spose to be the best pitcher out there and hes only worth 8.6 mil per year.... whats b zito worth?

lalala

Konichiwa, Matsuzaka-san!

怪物!!!!

On a side note... Did you guys see that Millar (the last of the hunkiest team ever) has officially retired & with be managing the single A SC Greenville Braves for the Sawx? So cool for him!

Wasn't that Kaplar that picked up the managing gig? Millar resigned with the Orioles.

Oy & der... I was just having a discussion with a buddy about Kap vs. Millar & that musta slipped!

Anybody else wondering if they'll be sellling sushi and fried rice at the Fens next year? Now they're rumoring Chan Ho Park to close?

still singing a happy tune....

lc

Hey, did you guys hear we got Dice-K!

I got the info from a really insde media source.

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