We've had ball slapping, so why not crotch noogies, too?

Doug:
So if the Sox sign Matsuzaka and the Yankees sign Igawa you know what this will mean right?

 

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Mike:
Yes, a whole new chapter in the age old rivalry.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. We've had Munson and Fisk, A-rod and Tek, now it's time to up the ante Japanese stylee.

 

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Mike:
Matsuzaka-san, show Igawa-san "the electric message," will you please?

 

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Doug:
Denki Anma, bitches.

 

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This Just In: Dog Bites Man!

Doug:
Every day I wake up and thank my lucky stahs that I'm so privileged to reside in a city with such robust and intelligent sports coverage …

 

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Doug:
I mean where, tell me where else, could one find the incisive reportage like this from Massarotti: "what the Sox term 'fair' and 'comprehensive' might not necessarily be so to Boras, who has at least as much (or more) influence on the negotiation as they do."?

 

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Doug:
Jeez, Tones, ya think?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, I fully expect to open the metro section now and find this story …

Yesterday in Methuen, a local man entered a cah dealahship and offered less than the stickah price of a 2006 vehicle. Although the local man indicated he wished to not comment publicly about the negotiations, he did say he felt the offer to be "fair."

 

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Bill:
Howevah, the dealah released a statement saying that because the vehicle in question featured, among other things, rich, Corinthian leathah, that there is no way imaginable he could sell the car for anything less than $1000 ovah the stickah price. Moreover, the dealah implied that if the man didn't want to purchase a car, he wouldn't have stepped on the lot and that the initial offer was "insulting."

As of late afternoon, no deal had been struck but a source speaking on background indicated there was reason for hope as the dealah is alleged to have said he'd "speak with his managah" to see "what he could do."

 

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Doug:
Yeah, this bid low, sell high theory is just so arcane and complex that my brain hurts just thinking about it.

 

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Bill:
Speaking of low-bidding, did you see the Yanks won the bidding for Kei Igawa

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and have I mentioned yet how sweet it is to see the Yankees getting stuck with the sloppy seconds for a change?

 

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Get Your W.A.G. On

Doug:
OK, this morning I have to give Gerry Callahan a tip of the cap. Saying that Theo has a "man crush" on J.D. Drew is spot on.

 

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Doug:
Sometimes that nasty side of the Boston Media is just what's needed. You know? Seriously, WTF is up with giving Drew $14 million per year. For the next four or five years?

 

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Mike:
I'm sure you've heard Olney's prediction that Manny will be gone by this weekend?

 

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Doug:
Whoo-hoo! Let's trade Manny for a bunch of prospects nobody has heard of! If Theo Epstein thinks J.D. Drew is an offensive replacement for Manny Ramirez, then I have a chopstick fan to sell him.

 

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Mike:
Dude, settle down. Take deep breaths …

 

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Doug:
Settle down? Why so I can prep myself to see Big Papi walked 200+ times next season. Say goodbye to Mr. Walkoff, it's been nice to know you and shit, and say hello to Mr. Walk followed by Mr. Ground Into an Inning Ending Double Play.

 

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Mike:
OK. Granted. On the surface all of these rumors are, to use Callahan's term, obscene. But let's take a step back and consider a few things …

 

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Mike:
First, everything we're hearing right now is coming from media reports. And if the past is any barometer, 9 times out of 10, they haven't a clue to what's really going on.

 

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Doug:
Wait a second, are you saying the Sox aren't going after Drew and that they haven't been shopping Manny?

 

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Mike:
No, just saying that we don't know the why's and what for's that are possibly putting those actions in motion.

 

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Mike:
Look. While it's a fun joke, no one really believes Theo has a man crush on J.D. Drew or that Theo and Bill James et al have all of a sudden gone stupid and are going to just dump Manny for a sack of balls.

 

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Doug:
Hey, if it looks like a duck …

 

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Mike:
Humah me here … Remembah that a lot of this stuff is built on false assumptions and misinformation.

 

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Doug:
How so?

 

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Mike:
Take Manny. It's the media who are always bemoaning his lack of hustle and suggesting he's some sort of cancah to the clubhouse whom everyone else on the team can't stand. But we've no real evidence the front office or Manny's team mates feel this way.

 

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Mike:
And then there's the "Manny quit on the team last August with a phantom injury" story. Meanwhile, though, the other reports coming out of the front office were that Manny really did have a small tear in the medial meniscus of his right knee causing a bone-on-bone situation that is unpredictable and painful.

 

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Doug:
Reports which were dismissed by the media as management coddling a superstah.

 

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Mike:
Exactly. But what if those reports are the truth? Worse, what if the doctors looked at Manny's knee and said to the Red Sox that there's better than a 50 percent chance that his knee is so far gone that he's not going to be able to continue playing the outfield much longer and even serving as a full time DH is iffy?

 

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Mike:
That would put a different perspective on things we're hearing and reading these days wouldn't it?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, but that's just wild ass guessing.

 

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Mike:
Right, as opposed to Theo having a man crush.

 

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The hap- happiest season of all

Doug:
You know I just realized the holidays are a lot like free agents: Rarely as good as the hype that precedes them.

 

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Bill:
No joke, guy. My Thanksgiving weekend could be described as one part Edgah Renteria and one paht Matt Clement.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, well, you're lucky, because mine was like 3 pahts Dante Bichette and one paht Cahl Everett.

 

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Bill:
Really the holiday family gathering encapsulates much of the tenor of a typical baseball season …

 

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Bill:
It stahts off full of hope and promise with so many "so nice to see you's" but usually ends in fingah pointing, animosity and "25 family members, 25 cabs."

 

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Doug:
Can't hardly wait for Christmas. W00T!

 

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And we were ready for an MVP Jetes, too

Doug:
Poor CHB. He's a day late on the "trade Manny" meme.

 

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Bill:
Considering Shank just calls up one of his canned themes off his hard drive to regurgitate it on us once again, you'd think he'd be quickah at getting those out.

 

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Doug:
So now that Morneau won the MVP we can't bitch and whine how Ortiz was robbed while we denigrate Derek Jetah at the same time.

 

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Bill:
I know. And I was so looking forward to it.

 

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Doug:
My dirty little secret is that while I thought Jetah's winning the Gold Glove was a total sham, I actually thought he was deserving of the MVP this year.

 

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Bill:
That case could be made. He did have the highest VORP of all the candidates.

 

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Doug:
It's that damn anti-NY bias at work again.

 

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Bill:
Poor New York. No MVP. No World Series bling this Century, but, frig, you know, at least they've got David Blaine in a spinning gyroscope in Times Square.

 

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Doug:
You know what they say: If you can gyroscope there, you can gyroscope anywhere.

 

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Manny Trade Time. Again. [Yawn]

Doug:
Well, in case you missed it the umpteen othah times ovah the last half-dozen years, the "trade Manny" media backed faux-meme is back for your viewing pleasure.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, it comes on suddenly a couple a times a year like a case of the runs.

 

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Doug:
I love Callahan's tortured logic that because Soriano signed for $17 million now's a good time to dump Manny because othah teams will now view Manny's salary as a bargain …

 

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Doug:
Guess it hasn't dawned on G.C. that, you know, there's a reason clubs are willing to pay that kind of money for a big bat in the lineup.

 

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Mike:
Oh, no, Gerry has it all figured out: It's "because major league teams have lost their minds again."

 

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Doug:
Oh, right, forget economics 101 and all the free mahket crap about use value and exchange value, prices for labah are determined entirely by whethah or not the capitalists in any given sectah have lost their minds or not.

 

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Mike:
The thing I can't quite seem to get is why media guys like Callahan seem so totally flustered by the fact that Manny disses Boston by saying he wants a trade?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, you'd think a guy who is insensitive enough compare black school kids to gorillas would have a bit of a thickah skin, you know?

 

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Mike:
Seriously. I mean toughen up, Ger-Ger. You're not going to impress your fantasy girl Ann Coulter by acting like a total pussy. Skinny right wing bitch likes her men strong, like Rummy.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. For me, I don't care if a playah says our clam chowdah tastes like piss or if he says Paul Reveah was a queeah or if he says our chicks got coochies that smell like scrod, if he can hit like Manny, he belongs in Boston regahdless.

 

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Gathering berries in the bog

Your omniscient author in absentia:
No strip day. But enjoy the Patriots big win and the sweet loss the Slant-eyed Hillbilly endured.

BTW, with the approaching Holiday, strips will be intermittent this week, probably just Tues and Weds unless there's some megadeal on Turkey Day.

 

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Go ahead, be gone with it

Lisa the Temp:
Hello, my peeps, Lisa's back for all your temporary needs, just like Vinny Testaverde, you know?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Well, except that he's like 103 years old and I'm not.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Oh, come on now, this doesn't mean that anybody is hurting. Jeez, people, that's how rumors get started.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Speaking of rumors, did you hear Cowboys QB Tony Romo and Chestica Simpson are dating after Chestica found out he had a "thing" for her?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
All I can say is Chesty better hit that before Sunday because Romo's thang is going to get pwned by the Colts.

 

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If I Did It

Bill:
Ah, crap, now I've got to question my own enthusiasm for the Daisuke the Destoroyah deal as Shaughnessy likes it, too.

 

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Doug:
Talk about a Judas kiss.

 

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Bill:
Of course, he wouldn't be the CHB if he didn't slandah at least one playah in any given column.

 

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Doug:
Don't you just love the irony of his accusing Manny of quitting for the year on August 21st juxtaposed with this line: "… we'd advise Matsuzaka to steer clear of the English language when he gets to the Hub. In Boston, most ballplayers are better off not knowing what is being said or written about them."

 

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Doug:
You know, not that Shank has any paht to play in that or anything.

 

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Bill:
No shit. Shaughnessy's like the O.J. of sportswriters. Alway innocent, always some othah guys calling playahs "pieces of filth."

 

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Doug:
Seriously. He ought to write a book like O.J. and call it "If I wanted to create a negative environment for ballplayers and run them out of town by writing column after vitriolic column, this is how I'd do it."

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, as Shaughnessy and I'm sure every mealy mouthed Yankees fan you know has pointed out to you, we can no longah complain about the Yankees payroll.

 

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Doug:
Yes, yes, I've heard the reasoning: "OMFG. We've become what we hate about the Yankees blabbity blah blah."

 

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Bill:
As if payroll differences were the only thing separating the Red Sox and Yankees and by removing it we'll all sit down togethah to have tea and crumpets and discuss the infinite joys of the timeless game of baseball.

 

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Doug:
See that's just it. If all of a sudden I were transported to some bizzaro alternative world …

 

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Bill:
With hawt cylon bitches.

 

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Doug:
Different world this time, but I like the way you're thinking. Anyway, so if on this bizzaro alternative world the Red Sox are owned by a guy named George and they had a shortstop named Jetah, a 3rd baseman with bluelips and a tendency to choke, and a 1st baseman who's dick has been subsumed by his body because of steroid abuse and, meanwhile, in the bizarro Bronx, the Yankees are GM'ed by a smart, young, Jew, and the captain of their team is a feisty catcher with an ass all the girls yearn for and they have a knuckleballah with a heart of gold, you know what?

 

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Bill:
You'd still root for the bizzaro Red Sox.

 

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Doug:
Abso-effin-lutely I would. Because even in the bizarro world they'd be the Boston Red Sox and the othah guys would be the New York Yankees and I'm a Red Sox fan. End of story. Now getting back to this other cylon hawt bitch planet for a moment …

 

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Irasshaimase

Tara:
I love that the bid for D-Mat wasn't 51 million, wasn't 51.1 million, but was 51.11 million … It's like The Price is Right game show.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Theo Epstein come on down! You're the next contestant in the Boras Switcheroo Pricing Game.

 

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Tara:
Theo better have his Wonderjock on as the conventional wisdom says Boras is looking for 3yrs at $20 mil a year. Combine that with the 51.11 bid and that's a lot of yearning for yen.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Reports suggest the Yankees make $20 million a year marketing the Matsui brand in Japan … Of course those reports come from Scott Boras which is about as unbiased as getting reports on Israel from Al Jazeera.

 

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Tara:
Or getting sabermetric analysis from Joe Morgan.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Ouch.

 

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Tara:
But seriously. Matsuzaka vs Matsui, the gyroball vs juicy Giambi, Red Sox v Yankees, the greatest rivalry in all of sport? The Japanese fans are going to price that action like Kobe beef.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, and wait until the harajuku girls get a look at Quadzilla.

 

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Tara:
Ka-ching!

 

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