If I Did It

Bill:
Ah, crap, now I've got to question my own enthusiasm for the Daisuke the Destoroyah deal as Shaughnessy likes it, too.

 

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Doug:
Talk about a Judas kiss.

 

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Bill:
Of course, he wouldn't be the CHB if he didn't slandah at least one playah in any given column.

 

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Doug:
Don't you just love the irony of his accusing Manny of quitting for the year on August 21st juxtaposed with this line: "… we'd advise Matsuzaka to steer clear of the English language when he gets to the Hub. In Boston, most ballplayers are better off not knowing what is being said or written about them."

 

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Doug:
You know, not that Shank has any paht to play in that or anything.

 

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Bill:
No shit. Shaughnessy's like the O.J. of sportswriters. Alway innocent, always some othah guys calling playahs "pieces of filth."

 

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Doug:
Seriously. He ought to write a book like O.J. and call it "If I wanted to create a negative environment for ballplayers and run them out of town by writing column after vitriolic column, this is how I'd do it."

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, as Shaughnessy and I'm sure every mealy mouthed Yankees fan you know has pointed out to you, we can no longah complain about the Yankees payroll.

 

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Doug:
Yes, yes, I've heard the reasoning: "OMFG. We've become what we hate about the Yankees blabbity blah blah."

 

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Bill:
As if payroll differences were the only thing separating the Red Sox and Yankees and by removing it we'll all sit down togethah to have tea and crumpets and discuss the infinite joys of the timeless game of baseball.

 

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Doug:
See that's just it. If all of a sudden I were transported to some bizzaro alternative world …

 

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Bill:
With hawt cylon bitches.

 

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Doug:
Different world this time, but I like the way you're thinking. Anyway, so if on this bizzaro alternative world the Red Sox are owned by a guy named George and they had a shortstop named Jetah, a 3rd baseman with bluelips and a tendency to choke, and a 1st baseman who's dick has been subsumed by his body because of steroid abuse and, meanwhile, in the bizarro Bronx, the Yankees are GM'ed by a smart, young, Jew, and the captain of their team is a feisty catcher with an ass all the girls yearn for and they have a knuckleballah with a heart of gold, you know what?

 

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Bill:
You'd still root for the bizzaro Red Sox.

 

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Doug:
Abso-effin-lutely I would. Because even in the bizarro world they'd be the Boston Red Sox and the othah guys would be the New York Yankees and I'm a Red Sox fan. End of story. Now getting back to this other cylon hawt bitch planet for a moment …

 

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Comments

[mikeya2k1]

im still on the bandwagon for daisuke but being a red sox fan its important to prepare for the down fall of this guy because deep in our hearts we all fear it. i hear the nick names for him being tossed about but if /when he does fail he want be mothra or ultraman he will be daisyduke. daisyduke ,daisuke i know its a bit of a stretch but when your half dyxlexic it kinda works. (proof read for your enjoyment by my 8 y/o son)

[Aaron]

So, what's the over/under on a Mothra contract? Word is that Bore-Ass wants three years, $60 mil, and guaranteed free agency after the deal runs out. I bet the Sox offer something like $10-12 mil per year.

It is unwise to insult the tooth count of Mainers, as we are a surly lot. Besides, as everybody knows, the truly terrifying orthodontia is to be found in Cow Hampshire.

[Dave S.]

I have a really hard time believing that the Sox would pay $51 + $60 million for a three year deal. I'd see along the lines of 5 for $75 or even 6 for $90 million as being more likely. That $51 million is alone, as put by Joe Sheehan at BP, more than the Sox have paid for both Manny and Papi over the last two years. I can't imagine them signing him for any less than five years.

[mothra_fan]

Hi all

Great site. First time commenter, long time reader. H.B always makes me laugh. Here's hope D-Mat is worth the cash!

[Bob]

H.B., it seems BigBri is frantically masturbating in his mother's basement, and he's turning Japanese, I think he's turning Japanese, I really think so.

[Bob]

Wait a minute Dave. As I remember, I had you at six dollars and a pack of Capris.

[Dave S.]

Damn that devalued Thai bhat!

[h.b.]

FYI: BigBri was sent to the corn field. (Twilight Zone reference.)

[Dave S.]

...do the last two comments indicate that BigBri has wriggled out from under a dunce cap?

In regards to Mothra, here's a link:

http://www.mlbtraderumors.com

3 years at $45 million? I guess it's called mlbtraderumors, so who knows. But wow, 3 years for $96 million total...that would be...absurd, wouldn't it?

[Bob]

That was a GOOD thing, H.B.! A very good thing...

[JimmyZ]

That was the finest hot stove strip evah!