Goldglover, A spiders touch, such a cold finger ...

Doug:
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Derek Jetah won the Gold Glove at short!?! What the hell?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Yeah, well, both Fishsticks Paltro and Cher have won Oscars for best actress, so whad'ya expect?

 

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Doug:
I dunno, I just expect a little more integrity from MLB than I do from Hollywood.

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Ah, integrity … you mean like Barry Bonds single season homah record or Raphael Palmeiro testifying before Congress?

 

---

Comments

[Gold Glove]

Integrity? You mean like Yawkey being in the Hall of Fame?

[Mike]

What bugs me is the gold glove is decided by managers and coaches, not by fans. There is no way Jeter was a more effective fielder than Gonzo. This is just man love for a charismatic player, unaffected by stats or anything else.

Bet Jeter's boyfriend is excited about this.

M

[Dave S.]

Jeter's actually had a few average defensive years in a row now, much, much better than he used to be. But they're just that...average. I'm sure many here are certain that the award should go to Gonzalez. Perhaps. But these awards are essentially meaningless, anyway. Speaking of Palmeiro, remember when he won the 1B Gold Glove in 1999? Having played 28 games there? It's a joke.

[BigBri]

Comparing Jeter's Gold Glove to Bonds shooting steroids??? H.B, your 'characters' have hit an all-time low. Who gives a shit about Gold Gloves anyway? All those awards are all B.S. Just tip your hat to the man and go about your business.

Oh that's right, I forgot. You guys are BAH-STAHN fans. Bitterness is as much a part of you as pinstripes on a Yankee uniform.

The sad part is, when I heard ESPN (begrudgingly) announce (from their headquarters in SAWX CENTRAL) that Jeter won the award, I KNEW how the Soxaholix would spin it. Bitter and predictable. Is this how it ends, H.B?

[Bob]

Anyone who thinks Jeter, or any other SS for that matter, had a better defensive year tha A-Gon must live in his mother's basement.

[h.b.]

Sure, GG, Yawkey is a great example. (You won't find any Yawkey love around here.)

And, oh, here's another Red Sox example, "Get those N*****s off the field!"

Is it me, or do the Yankees fan attempts at denigrating us get more feeble by the day?

I think I could lose half my brain to a stroke and I'd still have the ability to hurl more caustic barbs toward my own team than these guys could ever muster.

[BigBri]

//Is it me, or do the Yankees fan attempts at denigrating us get more feeble by the day?//

I think it's you H.B.

[Rob in CT]

Looking at the bright side, let's all take a moment to feel the November warmth of the schadenfreude's glow at how Jete's GG must make ol' Slappy McBluelips feel today.

**rubbing hands together**

Mmmm... Hey somebody pass me another marshmallow.

[COD]

I feel cheated. Mr. Eko dies and we have to deal with BigBri talking about Jeter?

[h.b.]

Ah, BigBri, so grateful you could step in to help prove my point.

Your timing is impeccable. No wonder people sometimes accuse me of being you.

But, that, of course, is one of the greatest insults ever leveled at me here, since, if I were to play the role of the Yankees fan troll, I'd be quite a bit better at it than what I've seen so far from you lot.

[h.b.]

Yeah, I saw yesterday here in the comments that Eko died so now I have zero interest in watching that last 20 minutes of Lost on the DVR. :)

Hence, no Lostaholix for that episode.

[Gold Glove]

Bringing up Yawkey/Hall of Fame wasn't an attempt to denigrate you or your fellow Red Sox fans, Mr. Brachen.

Just an attempt to put the Soxaholix outrage over Mr. Jeter's debatable GG award into perspective.

Sorry if it touched a nerve.

[BigBri]

H.B - you've never been accused of underestimating your own abilities. You seem VEEERY secure in the knowledge that you're the smartest kid in the class. Just ONE of the reasons this here blog has tumbled recently.

"A man's work is in danger of deteriorating when he thinks he has found the one best formula for doing it. If he thinks that, he is likely to feel that all he needs is merely to go on repeating himself . . . so long as a person is searching for better ways of doing his work, he is fairly safe.

EUGENE O'NEILL"

But what the fuck do I know. I'm just a Yankee troll...

[jdog71]

BigBri...where do we even start?
"Bitterness is as much a part of you as pinstripes on a Yankee uniform..." Um...pinstripes on a Yankee uniform are really not part of me, I'm happy to say. "As the hair protruding from your ears" would have been a slightly more effective analogy.

Also, you completely missed the point of the post. It was about the integrity of baseball in general, not some Gold Glove vs. Bonds Steroid-Enhanced numbers comparison.

Does calling out Sox fans because they disagree with the league wide ass kissing of your Esteemed and Mystical Yankees make you feel better for having everything handed to you on a silver platter as a Yankees fan? Is bowing out of the playoffs without your predisposed Championship making you more bitter than usual?

Gonzo was better at his position than Jeter, and most AL shortstops. Jeter somehow won ...probably because of his offensive numbers...which leads one to question the integrity of an award given for "superior individual fielding performance"....simple enough for ya?

[IkeG]

BB, what was your blog again? I want to visit and absorb the intelligence.

I must admit I gave up on Lost a long time ago. Got tired of running around that Mobius strip.

[h.b.]

Was that really an example of "outrage" in today's strip?

Here's a hint: When I go outside the office and bring in Arturo the hot dog vendor, it's typically because I don't think it's an issue worth discussing in the office. It's usually a day when I don't have much to say and I'm feeling pretty ambivalent.

If there were true outrage, today's strip would have
1) Been set in the office and would have involved some combo of Bill, Doug, or Mike.
2) It would have been longer than 4 panels.
3) It wouldn't have mentioned Cher.
4) It wouldn't have made its main insult at Rafael Palmeiro but instead would have kept the focus on Jeter the entire way through.

If you want to see the Soxaholix "outrage" please refer to their feelings toward Peyton Manning or two lesbians who wear strap on dildos.

Maybe I should create a dumbed down version of for some of you Yanks fans to help you out?

Or better yet, maybe someone can create a spinoff "Soxaholix explained" blog similar to this Marmaduke explained blog?

I'm all for helping out those with special needs.

Here at the Soxaholix we believe No Reader Should Be Left Behind, even if one is a Yankees fan and even if one is struggling with some aspects of mental cognition.

It takes a village and damn it, we'll do whatever it takes!

[buckner was framed]

Bri-
If Soxaholix sucks so bad, then why don't you move on to the corn harvest blogs or something and leave us the fuck alone? From my casual perch, interest here, as measured by both quantity and overall quality of posts, is definitely on the upswing- a fact that can only be attributable to the quality of the original material. Go away- or at least suffer in silence

[h.b.]

"... so long as a person is searching for better ways of doing his work, he is fairly safe."

The handful of you who know my real identity probably just busted a nut over that one.

Ah, BigBri, if you only knew...

And, while I know I'm not the smartest one in the class, I'm very assured that I'm better at this particular game than you are.

[jdog71]

It may take a little more than a village, hb...I'm thinking a few years of intense psychotherapy to get over the denial of '04 might help...with some electroshock thrown in just to satiate my maniacal bitterness.

[BigBri]

JDog - If I ever need your help with analogies, I'll give you a call. Until then, just sit patiently by that phone... like a 16 year old girl on a Saturday night (did you catch that one? OfCOURSE you did)

H.B - yours is a tried and true tactic but it won't fly down here in New York. Here's how it goes - you say something ridiculous (like Jeter winning the GG points to a lack of integrity on the part of MLB). Then you point to OTHER ways in which MLB has failed to clear the bar when it comes to integrity. The implication is clear - Jeter winning the GG is on par with Bonds winning the HR title by shooting steroids. **THEN** when folks call you out on what a ridiculous statement you've made you backpeddle and split hairs with regard to how you might define 'outrage' within this pitiful little world you've created.

That might work in Beantown, but not out in the real world. Where the chowder is RED....and delicious.

[Dave S.]

I always thought subtle subversion was a much better approach to trolling. Ah, well.

Back to the actual and interesting topic of integrity in baseball: I really don't think that the players and coaches voting for Jeter lack integrity. I think, rather, that they buy the same media hype that is generally peddled about Jeter: he's a classy winner, who plays the game the "right" way, leads his team, has great instincts. Much of that is true. What clearly isn't true is that Jeter is the best defensive SS in baseball. But the players and the coaches disagree. Almost to a man you'll hear other coaches and players fellate Jeter on his defense. Why do they believe it? Who knows. It's probably the same reason that seasoned guys like Dusty Baker think that slow guys with high OBP are bad for an offense because they clog the bases. Basically, these guys are poor analysts of the game. But that's different from them lacking integrity...it's simply ignorance. The same can be said for the Baseball Writers who determine the Cy Young and MVP awards. They're simply not good analysts. They blow hard and pretend and focus on the hallowed "Little Things" but generally are just dumb as shit, and vote for the guy with the most RBI, or the pitcher with the most wins.

[Gold Glove]

Doug:
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Derek Jetah won the Gold Glove at short!?! What the hell?"

Was this really an example of "outrage?"

The majority of AL managers and coaches might consider that "outrage," but (according to the Soxaholix) what do they know?

"I think I could lose half my brain to a stroke and I'd still have the ability to hurl more caustic barbs toward my own team than these guys could ever muster."

What does this say about you and your team? Nothing to brag about there, Brachen.

Oh, and here's a hint for you: if you want to denigrate Mr. Jeter, go for it, and don't do it half-assed. That's an insult to his greatness, and even to your readers who would agree with you.

[h.b.]

with some electroshock thrown in just to satiate my maniacal bitterness.

In honor of where the title of today's strip is from:

BigBri: "Do you expect me to talk, Goldfinger."

jdog71: "No, Mr. Bri. I expect you to die."

[Dave S.]

To me, Dr. Evil's rendition of "I expect you to die" has eclipsed the original. Right up there with my favorite: "Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr. Powers? I designed them myself."

[louclinton]

That Marmaduke link is hilarious, rampant copyright infringement notwithstanding.

I'll try explaining the first panel of today's creepy strip to Asshole:

A fine looking fellow is stopping by an outdoor food emporiuum run by a pleasant, but older, man, who is a native of Portugal. The older man is ingratiating to his customer, who in turn feels empowered to share with the older man his disgust at the fact that Major League Baseball awarded a prize recognizing excellence in fielding to the gentleman (Derek Sanderson Jeter) who plays shortstop for the New York Yankees, notwithstanding the proven fact
that he has the field range of a Sub-Zero home appliance used for cooling food. In so expressing himself, the customer is invoking the first names of (in turn) The Son of God, his mother and the husband of his mother (the Son of God, not the suited man in the picture), who nonetheless conceived the aforementioned Son of God thanks to God, himself. The genial customer's use of the first names underscores the depth of his perplexity over the choice for the award.

Got that, Asshole?

lc

[h.b.]

My point wasn't to cloud over that I think it's ridiculous that Derek Jeter won the Gold Glove for short.

I do.

But it's not that big of a deal. The Golden Glove award in general is kind of joke as are most awards. Hence the reference to the Oscars and some of their questionable choices.

And it's not like Red Sox fans are alone in thinking this. As Dave Pinto writes, "The voting process for the gold glove is bad."

I'd say exactly the same thing about the Oscars, the Grammy's and the selection of prom king at BigBri's high school.

But it's not truly an "outrage."

And, as far as strips go, it's not nearly as much fun, not even in the same ballpark, as making fun of Slappy McLips.

But, honestly, I didn't have anything else to write about.

And I only got four panels out of that.

Now if you really wanted to insult me you'd probably focus on that, especially considering I had no strip at all the past two days.

But, save it, as that would actually only "touch a nerve" if it came from one of the regular readers.

[Devine]

I know you can read my thoughts, Bri.

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.

[h.b.]

notwithstanding the proven fact
that he has the field range of a Sub-Zero home appliance used for cooling food. In so expressing himself, the customer is invoking the first names of (in turn) The Son of God, his mother and the husband of his mother (the Son of God, not the suited man in the picture), who nonetheless conceived the aforementioned Son of God thanks to God, himself. The genial customer's use of the first names underscores the depth of his perplexity over the choice for the award.

Now THAT was funny!

And now, thanks to LC, I no longer feel badly about a 4 panel strip.

I feel like somebody finally attached some frickin laser beams on the heads of piranhas!

[Dave S.]

What's really ridiculous is that it's the THIRD year in a row for him.

[h.b.]

Maybe they're using one of those Diebold e-vote machines?

[BigBri]

//And, while I know I'm not the smartest one in the class, I'm very assured that I'm better at this particular game than you are. //

I'm sure you do, H.B., I'm sure you do. And here, surrounded by the twelve or so Soxaholix keyboard sniffers, you'll get plenty of folks to agree with you. But it doesn't make it so.

I think Joan Cusack said it best in that classic 80's film - Working Girl. "Sometimes I dance around my apartment in my underwear...Doesn't make me Madonna...Never will".

Keep dancing H.B. Maybe someday...

[Gold Glove]

Oh, I got the strip, Louie. No need for your writing exercise to impress the teacher. Your longwinded and unnecessary explanation doesn't make today's strip any funnier or more enlightening.

Comparing Mr. Jeter's fielding range to a kitchen appliance? Desperate hyperbole.

Got that, bitchboy?

[yazbread]

Do you win Gold Gloves for intangibles?

Must be tough for ARod to 'swallow' given that he won two GGs at short before moving over to 3rd as a Yankee and would probably have had a run of many GGs had he stayed at SS.

This morning I was hoping the strip would provide tales from the corporate leadership seminar front. I think today's strip is quite well done given that that HB appears to have been subjected to two days of obfuscating corporate doublespeak.

[louclinton]

//Oh, I got the strip, Louie. No need for your writing exercise to impress the teacher. Your longwinded and unnecessary explanation doesn't make today's strip any funnier or more enlightening.//

Holy shit, these fuckers really don't get it, do they?

Lucky Louie

[Jay]

Let's get this straight. Big Bri are you really suggesting that D.J. was the best defensive shortstop in the A.L. and deserved the Gold Glove? I'm sure you would have trouble passing that comment on any teams blog, becides a skankees blog. If you do believe this I think you are the one not living in "The Real World".

[Pond]

As a resident and taxpayer of the city and state of New York, I'd like to clairify Big Bri's comment. First: Manhattan clam chowder tastes like ass. Second: the real world is NOT in Mommy's basement.

[DenverSoxFan]

Can we all just shut the hell up and talk about Lost now?

Best/worst episode ever. Next they're going to kill Locke, and then I'll REALLY have no reason to watch anymore.

[Natalie]

I love the Marmaduke thing as well, laughed out loud. Is there something similar for Family Circle? The snark that strip could generate would be fantastic.

I hereby nominate lc to write the Soxaholix explained blog. (Although explaining actually complex and witty humor ala hb's is not as ripe for humor as explaining the truly inane. So perhaps we- more analagously to Marmaduke explained- need a "BigBri comments on Soxaholix explained" blog.)

[BigBri]

Jay - I thought "Yankee Trolls" were the only ones who didn't get it? Can you read?? Here's a quote from my original comment:

"Comparing Jeter's Gold Glove to Bonds shooting steroids??? H.B, your 'characters' have hit an all-time low. Who gives a shit about Gold Gloves anyway? All those awards are all B.S. Just tip your hat to the man and go about your business."

Is there ANYTHING in that statement that indicates I think Jeter deserves the award?? Anything that indicates that I even give a shit about the award???

I can EASILY see how A-gon deserves the award. But comparing Jeter winning the GG to Bonds winning the HR title is just plain stupid. So I said so. Maybe I should create a spinoff - BigBri's comments explained. Perhaps it takes a 'village idiot' to make you folks understand...

[Billy Mahty]

I think Jeter's crazy plays in the playoffs the last few years have given him many miles of respect from the league. If it's any consolation for you guys, it seems unlikely that he'll win the Hank Aaron, gold glove, and then the mvp. I think he just racked up a couple of consolation prizes.

lc - very funny

Arturo is one of my favorite characters.

[BigBri]

//So perhaps we- more analagously to Marmaduke explained- need a "BigBri comments on Soxaholix explained" blog.)//

Natalie - Independent invention - even when it is developed by folks as diametrically opposed as you and I is always a cool thing.

Cheers

[Kaz]

In other news, I think the fact that Bri's initials are B.B. is appropriate.

1) Completely non-lethal from a harmlessly juvenile toy, and makes me want to shoot my eye out.

2) Borrelia burgdorferi is the bacteria responsible for Lyme disease...infection of Bb gives you a headache and fatigue.

3) BB also stands for Barebacking...that must mean his partner is the one bending over.

I got a million of them...

[Kaz]

In still other news, Typepad needs a preview button.

[louclinton]

Kaz: at least in Firefox 2.0 you can now spellcheck what's in the box...

I would now like to blog my explanation of bb's post:
//Natalie - Independent invention - even when it is developed by folks as diametrically opposed as you and I is always a cool thing.//

Brian is saying the we can't prove he didn't think it up himself and he would like to make out with one of the few female posters on the site.

lc

[jdog71]

//JDog - If I ever need your help with analogies, I'll give you a call. Until then, just sit patiently by that phone... like a 16 year old girl on a Saturday night //

A scenario I'm sure you are very familiar with.

[JD]

Kaz, he quoted WORKING GIRL. Nuff said. Must be that time of the month for "Big".

Long time lurker here, hb, and this site always gives me a laugh.

-JD (sox fan in NYC, and yes, Manhattan chowder does taste like ass)

[h.b.]

I know, I know, we're not supposed to dignify the trolls by addressing them, but, truthfully, I'm taking the day off to have new countertops installed, so I've got a bit of time and besides, even if it's not a fair fight, sometimes you just have to call people out...

OK, BigBri, I'm not sure what you're using as a measuring stick, but let's go mano a mano here a bit regarding blogs.

Here's your blog: Red Sox Nation Haters

Now rather than focus on intangibles, as is the norm with your poster boy Jeter, let's look at a few tangibles of measuring a blog's worth.

1) Searching for your blog on Technorati reveals nothing. No interest, no links, nothing. (Here's the Soxaholix results.)

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 1-0 Soxaholix.

2) In the Truth Laid Bear blog egosystem of traffic your blog is not listed. (Soxaholix">http://soxaholix.com">Soxaholix on the other hand ranks #7163)

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 2-0 Soxaholix.

3) Searching for Red Sox Nation Haters on Google, your blog doesn't make the first page of results. Meanwhile the Soxaholix results.

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 3-0 Soxaholix.

4) Searching for BigBri on Google reveals this guy #1, Brian Fields, who isn't you. So even among Yankees fans named "BriBri" you're a nobody according to Google. Searching for Hart Brachen on the other hand...

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 4-0 Soxaholix.

5) On Alexa, your blog doesn't register. But Soxaholix does.

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 5-0 Soxaholix.

6) You have no ads. Now this could be because you refuse to take them, granted, but it's more likely because your site gets so little traffic that nobody would pay for any. Soxaholix makes and continues to make money off of ads.

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 6-0 Soxaholix.

7) You're on Blogger and you've done nothing except to choose from one of the basic templates. You don't even use any images. You don't have your own URL pointing back to Blogger. How lame is this? Well, if you have to ask...

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 7-0 Soxaholix.

8) On your blog, I see no praise from other serious players in the blog or baseball world.

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 8-0 Soxaholix.

9) Doing a google search of "pages that link to" your blog, reveals only 4 results. Well, actually only 3 since one is from your own Blogger profile. How bad is it that not even other Yankees blogs link back to you? Wow. (By way of contrast...)

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 9-0 Soxaholix.

10) You've not been featured by the newspaper with the 2nd largest circulation in the United States, hell, you've not even been mentioned by any MSM source at all, not even in your local rag.

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 10-0 Soxaholix.

11) You've won no blog awards nor been nominated for any.

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 11-0 Soxaholix.

12) Your blog is not listed in Wikipedia.

Point goes to: Soxaholix. 12-0 Soxaholix.

Should I go on or do we invoke the mercy rule?

[jdog71]

BigBri lists his interests as "Tending to my Johnny Damon voodoo doll"...I think you can count "REGULAR UPDATES" as 13-0 Soxaholix.

[louclinton]

No, please continue, h.b.

I am now going to blog on the meaning of h.b.'s last entry:

Mr. Brachen is in essence saying to BigBri

Bwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh haha

[Kaz]

I was thinking about the Gold Glove award. The problem is that we're not thinking of context. A-Gon...one of 9 guys that almost beat the MLB record for least team errors for the season (66 errors; record is 65 by 2003 Mariners). How do you stand out in a crowd like that? Clearly, you're not notable when you've got "...Mike Lowell committed six errors in 463 total chances; shortstop Alex Gonzalez misplayed seven of the 475 fielding chances he had; second baseman Mark Loretta was so sure-handed that he fielded all but four of his 639 chances cleanly; and first baseman Kevin Youkilis made five errors in 1,035 fielding chances."

But look at Mr. "I take great pride in my defense" Jetah. Slappy dropped his shoulder and watched 24 errors hop over it in 382 tries. When you're standing next to that catastrophe, 15 errors in 610 chances makes you look like you're the reincarnation of vacuum inventor and president, Herbert Teewilliger Hoover.

As a sick, sick note of outrage: The 2003 Mariners that set the league record had 4 Gold Glovers that year. 2006 Red Sox; none.