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So now what?

"You've reached the office of Bill Callaghan. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and a brief message."

Marty:
Oh, c'mon Callaghan, don't tell me you're afraid to take my calls now? What an absolute pussy you are. I mean what next, putting on a catcher's mask and then throwing some punches? Heh heh.

 

Marty:
Anyway, no matter. I'll just leave you with this:

Nah Nah Nah Nah

Nah Nah Nah Nah

Hey Hey Hey

Goodbye

 

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the office …

Doug:
Let me get this straight. Hezbollah can defeat the mighty Israeli Defense League. The talentless Keven Federline can convince some fucktahd to cut him a record deal. But the Red Sox can't win one game, not a single game, against the motherfucking Yankees?

 

Mike:
I know. I didn't see this coming at all.

 

Doug:
We went from league contendah with a few questions mahks to crime scene cadavah covahed with slash mahks in one series?

 

Mike:
And we don't need to wait for the babes from CSI to give us the cause of death: only 2 reliable pitchers, no lefty in the pen, no legitimate numbah 5 hittah … I could go on.

 

Doug:
Meet the new Red Sox, same as the old Red Sox …

 

Comments

"From league contendah...to crime scene cadavah" so true! Loved Mahty's message too :)-.
DB

Well, thank goodness you didn't bring the curse word back, as the MFing Globe did on its front page teaser. (I think CHB paid somebody for that mention.)
But same as the old Sox? They certainly are at a nadir (at least I hope to god they are), but I have far more faith in this front office than previous incarnations, despite recent mistakes and travails.

The way I see it Tek being hurt cost us 2 of these games....at least. Past ball last night scores a run and passed ball Sunday let's Melky get to third and score on Jeter's flare. That's not including "intangibles". I'm going to cry myself to sleep on my HUGE PILLOW now.

hb -- Perhaps it is in Doug's character to make this mistake, but the Israeli army is called the Israel Defense Forces (IDF). Sounds like he is confusing it with the Jewish Defense League (JDL), a US-based right-wing religious Jewish militant group that has nothing to do with the Israeli army. Also not clear to me that avoiding annihilation while losing territory constitutes "defeating" the IDF, but that is of course beyond the scope of The Soxaholix.

Very funny strip today. One of these days I would love to hear what Marty would say to a Mets fan, but I suppose that is also beyond the scope.

Last week, the undersigned promised to report back to you on his visit to Fenway Park on Monday, with the ostensible purpose of “reporting on the sweep (but whose?)”.

We now know the answer to that question.

Yankees Win. Thhhhheeeeeeee Yyyyaannnkeeeeesssss Win!

Holy shit, what a kick in the gut.

Having been born in the Truman Administration (look it up), I have seen a lot. This is the worst feeling I have ever had in the regular season. Admittedly, 1986 cannot be replicated (thank Yahweh) for pain. Aaron freekin’ B2003ne will always be second. But, ladies and gentlemens, we now have the aptly designated number 3. I need not elaborate, except to say that Javy Lopez is allowed to wear a Red Sox jersey for another day, it at least should be pink. What a dog.

And yet, I attended Fenway Park to witness the immolation of the Red Sox cadavah (as h.b., undoubtedly anticipating my comment-or not- points out). Herein lies my tale.

In my humble view, the difference between Red Sox fans and other baseball fans HAS been the following: Baseball fans are fans of the team; we fans of the Red Sox think we are ON the team. That has changed. Fenway is the star; that rat infested shithole, the Cathedral of Baseball, the Dump. Yesterday, 36,000 =/- attended, paying, what, $80 a ticket? God damn, they were going to get their money’s worth…that’s right. Let’s cheer that overstuffed pedophile Wally, let’s sing Sweet Caroline, let’s pay $6 a cup for shitty beer, let’s call all our friends who are working and tell them the score, let’s have our picture taken during the game by the whores that Luscious hires to take pictures, thus further monetizing the Experience. Sure, there was a game being played, but that was just a back drop for the Fenway Experience (blechhhhh). The fuckin’ players didn’t care, why should we?

I don’t blame the players for Monday’s performance. The schedule of 5 games (two of which ended well after the metaphorical T had left the station for the last time) was brutal. Let face it, when Foulkie turns in the best relief showing of the weekend, all hope is lost.

But, these “fans” just want to BE THERE, to roll in the shit-stained innards of the cathedral. Enough. Bring back baseball to Boston.

your pal,


lc

Re: That lefty problem, Ted Lilly's available...just tell Francona not to drop his hands.

The IDF was not allowed to crush Hezbollah with an overwhelming # of troops due to the decisions of civilian leadership.

Remind you of anyone else in the world with the initials DR?

Kevin Federlline is actually the "fucktard" who cut himself the record deal. Nobody would sign him so he started his own label.

I'm ashamed that know this.

Wow, lc, that's quite a recap! I love being in Fenway as much as anyone. To some degree maybe more, since I'm (for now) an out-of-towner. But I do find you're right about the distractions. It's very hard for a person to concentrate on watching each pitch there. I'm coming to understand the folks who listen to the radio broadcast while at the game.

louclinton -

>Having been born in the Truman >Administration (look it up),

Priceless (I only go back to Eisenhower).

I don't rank this up there with the great collapses of the past. I felt this team was smoke and mirrors for quite some time. The sweep, while not enjoyable, was not surprizing. I would rank Aparicio stumbling around third base in 1972 against the Tigers as more heartbreaking than the recent weekend.

Sorry to hear that Fenway is a caricature of itself. Rumor has it that the offspring of King Rat now live there (mythical rodent who lived in the old Boston Garden for you youngsters). For what's it's worth, I had a friend in college who went to game seven in 1975. He had a seat in the bleachers for the lofty sum of $7.50 (maybe $30 in today's dollars). Had it been 2004, (1) he probably could not get a ticket, and (2) if he had a ticket, he could have scalped it for a semester's tuition.

The first time I went to Camden Yards, I remember walking in and thinking it was such a nice park, until the moment my ears were assaulted by some loud pop-metal crap between batters and the scoreboard went into a seizure-inducing explosion of bizzare graphics, and I thought to myself, "That's why none of these retro-parks will ever be truly like a Fenway".

Little did I know Fenway would someday be doing its best to become Camden Yards...

It's even spread to the bleachers, Lou. I have a 10-game plan out in Section 39 and on Saturday, some Fucktard actually turned around to me and told me in a condecending "I'm a stockbroker and it looks from your warddrobe like you're a garbage collector" voice that he wanted me to "be quiet, dick! I'm on the phone."

Let me make it clear that I wasn't cursing or insulting or anything. Just yelling for whomever was up for the Sox at the time.

If I'd have had just one more beer in me, it would have been on. As it was, I just started yelling louder right in his ear (which was pierced, natch).

Naturally, the shitbrain didn't have the testicles to make any further "requests" of me.

I never thought I'd see that day that people in the bleachers would be asking other people to be quiet.

I feel that the worst part of going to a ballgame now - MLB or minor league - is the incessant music. It so detracts from the charm of the ballpark and the baseball experience. No one seems to like it and the only explanation I have heard is 'children need to be entertained'. The need for music from the moment the catcher gets the ball until the pitcher begins his windup is inane. 'Where it began, ....' (ugh). I recall music in the 1980's - farmboys in the Twinkie Dome dancing to 'Thank God I'm a country boy' but I don't recall it in the '70s or '60s. MLB should have a weekend where music is banned - they could call it 'ballpark appreciation day' if they needed a marketing gimmick. I sound like my father - ugh.

Honestly, I don't care what they do to Fenway (can't be worse than your average hockey game for sheer nonsense on the Jumbotron) so long as they keep it around...There is nothing- nothing- in the world like walking up the ramp into the sunlight and catching sight of the Monster, seeing the players taking warm-up tosses and looking bigger than you imagined, the smell of popcorn and hot dogs, a sea of Sox hats to wade through to your cramped seat, drinking warmish beer out of a plastic cup...it's awesome! I get chills every time I walk into that park.

Perhaps it's because I am weak with stomach flu right now, or completely beaten down from the weekend, but I am slightly teary even writing this. God, I love baseball.

Sorry for the shameless sentimentality. I am, you'll recall, a chick. :)

LouClinton -- Um, what about B---y D--t? Yaz popping out to end the game?

That was almost worse for me than '86.

Beckett and the rest have me searching for meaning in life...why didn't Theo read "Waiting for Abreu" in his lit class...this is awful...I think I'll sit in a tree...

Yes, I agree this is not surprising. When we had to pull 2 wins out of our asses against the Indians I knew this team didn't have it this year. That being said, with just a little pitching we would have won Friday night and Sunday. With a little hitting we should have won yesterday. So the team is not as awful as they seem.

On the ballpark note, I cannot stand the constant music being played in todays stadiums. Hockey and basketball games are simply unwatchable in person. Baseball is getting bad too. Even here in Denver. At least Bob Kraft has turned the volume down between plays so I can talk to my Dad without yelling in Foxboro.

Thank goodness it's football season soon. Go Pats!

Hudson...

God was shining on me in 1978. I was out of the country and only learned about BFD 18 hours later. This was before Al Gore invented the internet and all. To this day, I have never seen the clip, due to the fact that I avert my eyes. In any case, 1978 was a collossal month long (or more)bed-shitting by the RS, so the playoff game (at least in my twisted view) was more a punctuation mark than a live, self-performed colonoscopy that the events of '86, '03, and last weekend represented.


sincerely,

dr. lc

lc

I remember when I was a kid and the cheap bleacher seats were $7, and thinking "I could afford that!" with my allowance money. The $24 face value on my dad's Reserved Grandstand seats seemed like a princely sum.

I do think the blaring music during the innings needs to go - ok fine, do it in between innings, but I'd much rather hear the delightful organ music. (hey! IT'S A BALLPARK. It's what organs are for.) But it's just where we're at these days. While we're making idle wishes, let's wish for a game where it wasn't unusual for a guy to play 2/3rds or more of his career with one team, where the starters were regularly going 7-8 innings and the complete game was not a rarity just for guys with low pitch counts. Let's see stirrups become mandatory again and fines for guys standing in the batters box admiring the long ball or not hustling down the line. Let's see managers actually wearing their uniforms in the dugout and guys going up to the plate with nothing more than a bat, a helmet and some batting gloves. Hotdogs, popcorn, cracker jacks and sports bars, $3 bud light and a warm summer night where in the early innings you can actually hear the pop of the glove on each pitch, look out over left field and see the remnants of another great summer day, and a reminder of why we love this silly game in the first place.

I think if you try to listen for the music during away games, you'll find Fenway to be one of the least musical ballparks in the entire nation.

Some places play the trumpet "Charge!", or the clap-clap-clapclapclap or any one of a dozen other annoying rally tunes to invigorate their fans. Others play rock music like the local morning crew has a side gig at the ballpark. Fenway just has player intro clips, between inning video, and the occasional mound meeting holdover music (aside from Sweet Caroline and Take me out to the Ballgame). Video-wise, same story. No "OMG, HR!" animations of balls flying over an animated Monster Wall on the jumbotron, just player info and between inning fan shots and blooper reels. Otherwise, it's fairly serene to focus on the game.

Bob...that's just about the worst thing I've heard of all day. A guy on his phone asking you to be quiet at a baseball game? If there was divine justice, that jackass would drive off the road while chattering away.

At a game a few years back, some guy sitting a few rows in front of me was getting put on tv every time a righty batter was in the box. He was on his phone the whole time, waving away at his friends out in tv land. A couple beers later and every time he did it, I yelled out to him in my best Cletus voice: "Ah'm on teevee! Look at me! Ah'm on teevee!" He tried giving me a dirty look, but I leveled with him and tried as hard as I could to convey to him who the bigger asshole was.

F- You, Mahty! We don't throw at .260 hitters!

Doh!

:-P

Man, I gotta move out of Noo Yawk... I hate the 2003 deja vu all over again. I hate the fair-weather Yankees fans coming out of the woodwork. I hate Cashman's imitation of Theo Epstein. I hate the thought of my tax dollars building a new MFY Stadium. What do I wish for? I wish the Sox would hold their fuqqin heads high and go out and play with some moxie for the last six weeks of the season. Swing for the fences! Steal some goddam bases! Go for 3! Pitch high and tight! Play hard, have fun and if it works out, it works out. Just don't ever EVER let your opponent think you've given up. I can't remember any Sox team laying down like this team did this past weekend. If Francoma can't motivate these guys the way Leyland has in Detroit, he should step down.

"Bob...that's just about the worst thing I've heard of all day. A guy on his phone asking you to be quiet at a baseball game?"

Couple of years ago at a Sox-O's game at Camden Yards a guy in front of me started to make a cellphone call during the National Anthem. Couldn't understand why I got upset...a**hole. It's one thing for your 'phone to ring at an inopportune moment, but to take it out and make a call at a time like that.

Oh, and it was the usual inane "Yo dude, I'm at the ballgame" drivel as well.

Son of Dewey-For a minute there it sounded like you were talking about the Cape League(except for the beer)

Dewey Jr.- the scene you described is still available 2 hours North in Portland, except the beer is Harpoon or Shipyard, and the sports bars are 'dog biscuits' :-)
The worst has to be DC, where I saw the Nats play the O's this past May, thinking I was going to see a decent game between two natural rivals. The crowd did not do ANYTHING- not cheer, not boo, NOTHING- until told/encouraged/whatever to by the Jumbotron/DJ. Mayber they don't realize baseball has returned to the capitol?
Finally- Natalie, speaking on behalf of all the male posters to this site, I don't think it is EVER forgotten that you are a chick... now, about that picture of you in the teal dress.....

yazbread, I remember when Rico fell down rounding 3rd as well; I was on the 2nd floor corridor of my Back Bay fraternity house and it struck me like a blow. I watched BFD's homer sitting in a old lab that stank of formaldehyde next to a Yankee fan at my grad school in Chicago (said homer costing me $5.00 in 1978 money to said Yankee fan).

Illegitimate Son of Dwight Evans:

I remember when I was a kid and the cheap bleacher seats were 50 damn cents and were real bleachers, benches with numbers spray-paint stenciled on them every 16 inches and (pre-1967) no one was at the game so Frank Howard actually heard me when I did like Dad and my uncle told me and yelled "Everytime your wife cheats on you you lose a hair!" at him (for you children, Frank played right field for the Washington Senators, was massive, and was bald).

I've been to Fenway as recently as last year. You think it's bad? Try a game at either Wrigley Field (where most of the fans don't even pretend to watch the game) or U.S. Cellular Field where everything's for sale, all game, all the time, including the name of the stadium (but not the manager's mouth). Although the White Sox at least work hard to put a good team on the field, what with those rings and all.

"Let's see ... fines for guys standing in the batters box admiring the long ball or not hustling down the line."

Let's see umpires not get excited if the next time that guy's up he picks a fastball out of his ass that "got away" from the pitcher and this problem will be solved.

"Let's see ... $3 bud light"

I'd prefer $3 beer.

"and a warm summer night where in the early innings you can actually hear the pop of the glove on each pitch, look out over left field and see the remnants of another great summer day, and a reminder of why we love this silly game in the first place."

I love the poetry, but if you can hear the pop of the pitch in the glove, that means the stadium is half-empty and the team sucks. No thanks; I go back to the Eisenhower administration (the first game I saw live, Johnny Pesky managed it) and I don't want to see those Red Sox (except for a Ted Williams clone) again.

"Bob...that's just about the worst thing I've heard of all day. A guy on his phone asking you to be quiet at a baseball game?"

My worst was at a damn padres game when I was cheering on Mr. Roberts in the late inings of a close game and got SHUSHED(!) by some lady decked out in what appeared to be every piece of pads gear available to purchace. Mind boggling. I guess that's why nobody has ever confused the PetCo "faithful" with real baseball fans...

Lately, when the local baseball fans start talking about rivalries (Cubs/Cardinals?) I tell them:

"Do you consider yourself a real baseball fan? Then, once in your life, buy the plane ticket, get the hotel room, hire the cab, pay the scalper, and go see the Red Sox play the Yankees in Fenway Park. Then come back to the Cell or Wrigley and compare it to what you saw and heard there and tell me what a rivalry is."

So, then, this about this Yankee series:

I'm a Red Sox fan. I've learned, though the years, that when the rifle is pointed at you and you're tied to the post, the only honorable thing to do is stare the shooter right in the eye and then watch the bullet all the way to your forehead. Don't flinch. And I learned in 2004 that a Yankee fan WILL flinch.

Kaz: I am not a total crank, and, thus, I think music at the ballpark, if it is clever and pointed, can add a lot. One of the (few) things I like about Larry's FunPark (aka Fenway) is the improved speaker system (no more hoping that the wind is blowing in, so you can hear the music). But, the content blows. Each RS player has their own theme ("Low Rider" for Loretta? Wha? Huh? His dad is an investment banker)(Metallica or some such for Lowell). Then, when Torre came out in the 8th, we heard "Hey Joe" for the 334,992d time- I only go to 4-5 games a year). That was a cringe moment, especially since the season was on the line.
Actually, a few years back, the New Commmisky organist was a scream..you couldn't wait to see what he/she was going to play in a particular situation.

I will concede that LarryWorld is the only park I can think of that doesn't play clap clap clapclapclap, so good for him/it. But, let's have some fun with it.

In summary, LarryWorld has become a destination rather than a venue and unless you are Dennis Drinkwater or Jerry (how do like my sport coat) Kapstein, it is assumed that 1) you have never been there before 2) will never be able to go again and 3)you are blessed beyond belief that Larry shared his time with you.

lc

RonF - Great, great Frank Howard story!

Can't even compete with that, but as an Eisenhower era baby myself, growing up in Minnesota, the biggest thrill I ever had was the day Harmon Killebrew came to my jr high school to workout and swim in the school pool. Apparently he was friends with my gym teacher, Mr. Dombrowski (what a jughead).

I remember being kind of surprised he wasn't any taller than he turned out to be (maybe 5-9, 5-10), but his arms were freakin' YUGE!! A bunch of us kids tried our damnedest to dunk him, but he tossed us off his shouders like lint. Coolest professional athlete I've ever personally met.

Whined to my Dad for the next three years to take me to see the Twins play so I could wave to Harmon. Dad did take me a couple times and I remain convinced to this day that every time Killebrew waved back in my general direction near the first base line (yeah, you could get good seats just walking up to the window back then) it was because he remembered me. He and Tony Oliva were my baseball heroes back then. Thanks for bringing on the memory.

Voiceover: We now return you to your regularly scheduled program [rant]..

HB -

Everything Ryan says is true. Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah - I wrote it two weeks ago - almost word for word. Well, at least my bankroll is growing. Theo, the Marlins wish to thank you for developing Hanley Ramirez so well for them. Also, the agents for Clement, Crisp and Beckett will be sending you Christmas cards. Sure, Papi and Manny in two years won't be as great as they currently are, but "our long term interests" sure have been tended to. Stupid Yankees. Always looking short term. News flash: Premium players such as Pedro and Damon don't care about dollar values being assigned to them. Teams that are playing for keeps know that superstars require more years in their contract. That dummy Duquette handed Manny a long term contract. Boy, were we sorry. And he paid Johnny and Pedro. We all know the good times have been rolling because of Manny, Johnny and Pedro. They aren't Theo's boys. So they weren't given the proper respect. I wonder why Manny told Damon he should sign with the Yankees? Theo, here's a history lesson for you. From 1995 to 2006, the Yankees have won four World Series, and have won the division every year except 1995. How do they do it? Very simple. Steinbrenner takes a look at who is a winning pitcher, then he does whatever it takes to land him. All of the following pitchers were or are featured starting pitchers during the Yankees remarkable run. Most of them had prior success. Their all-time winning percentage ranking, career record, and career winning percentage (all going into 2006) are shown. Theo, you landed a winner in Schilling. Then you strayed into the unknown charters of Clement and Beckett. And at least Wells gave you 15 and 11 last year.
Roger Clemens - #9, .665, 341-172
Randy Johnson - #11, .659, 263-136
Andy Pettitte (home-grown) - #15, .654, 172-91
Mike Mussina - #22, .638, 224-127
Dwight Gooden - #27, .634, 194-112
Jimmy Key - #58, .614, 186-117
David Wells - #59, .614, 227-143
David Cone - #68, .606, 194-126
Kevin Brown - #89, .594, 211-144
Kenny Rogers - #96, .592, 190-131
Pitching coach Ron Guidry - #16, ,651, 170-91. Announcer Tom Seaver - #75, .603, 311-205. Pitching coach Mell Stottlemyre has the #100 all-time E.R.A. with 2.97, going 164-139 with very bad teams. I don't know for sure, but Whitey Ford (#3) probably instructs. Alot of winning know-how in that Yankees clubhouse. Oh, Pedro? Best winning percentage EVER by eleven points - .701, 197-84. But we need to assign dollar values as if there are no other teams and we live in a vacuum. That "poor" 16-9, 3.90, 217 innings sure would look nice now.

My bad. Theo didn't sign Clement. He just saddled us with his contract.

Um, you forgot Kevin Brown, Estaban Loaiza, Jeff Weaver...that list could go on. The Yankees don't always buy up the greatest pitchers in the world. They just buy up anything that looked good on the buffet.

So what happens next? Sox go on an amazing winning streak that no one can account for and steal the division from the hare-like Schmanks who are caught resting on their big giagunda laurels or sometin. Hey, it could happen.

Team's not good enough this year. I'll tune in again during the Winter G.M. Meetings. I just hope Craig Hansen (secret Yankee-fan sabatoeur?) isn't traumatized. They rushed him up from the minors and it showed. Also, we've gotten a few cheating-Father-Time years out of Timlin. Okay, I'll stop the autopsy now...

Dave S. and Bob - way to go. Shout 'em down and stare 'em down. We mock them at home on the TV screen...little do they know - or apparently care.

Dear Mr. Francona, 8/22/06

It’s no secret that the Red Sox of 2006 are far from a perfect team. And there are a number of different reasons why the season is not turning out the way we all hoped. However it’s not over yet. We don’t have to look too far back to 2004 when the Red Sox were three games down and almost out of the playoffs. That team too was not a perfect team. What happened to turn things around?
Dave Roberts. Dave Roberts stole second base by a hair and ignited all the potential that existed in that team, which exploded to win the World Series despite its imperfections. The Red Sox of 2006 need just that spark to ignite their potential. Where is that spark?
Kevin Millar is gone. Johnny Damon is gone. Dave Roberts is no longer with the team. If the Red Sox had such a spark it could repeat its historic comeback again. Where is the spark?
Mr. Francona, we know where the spark is. And the spark resides within you. All you have to do is find it and we can tell you where it is. Imagine the following scenario: You call a press conference. Before all the sports writers and to all the television viewers you acknowledge your weaknesses and take full responsibility for the current state of affairs. You make the following statement:
“For the past several years I have employed a strategy that has kept the Red Sox in contention for the pennant. It’s a strategy that not everyone agrees with. I’m constantly weighing the future against the conditions of the current game. And often times I have refrained from using one player on a particular day to save him for another. There are those who have argued that over the last few years I have done this to a fault. The past is a matter of opinion. However these last five games with the New York Yankees I plead guilty as charged. I had the opportunity to win at least two of those games but I was reluctant to take the risk. My reluctance cost us dearly.
“I can see clearly how I failed at that most critical time. And for my failure I ask every Boston Red Sox fan, every Boston Red Sox player, everyone in the front office, and everyone that cares about the Red Sox for your forgiveness. I have learned the hard way that sometimes when the stakes are high you have to throw caution to the wind and put it all on the line. I promise from this day forward that I will take every risk, make any move, and do everything in my power to win the pennant! I will not let you down. Thank you.”
It takes courage to face ones failures. It is empowering to acknowledge them in front of others. The same spark that ignited the 2004 Red Sox to win the World Series lives in you. Ignite it.

Sincerely,
Bill Fishbein, Jacob Fishbein, and Adam Fishbein
Santa Fe, NM

Kaz -

I often wonder whether you know how to read. I listed ten pitchers within the top 100 winning percentages all time on ONE team within TEN years, all of whom had prior success, all of whom had wiining records with the Yanks. Of course a few other pitchers will fill out the roster. The point is that they focus on track record. Key, Cone, Gooden, Wells - none were highly sought after but paid off in spades. Contrast my predictions (which were made while the Sox were in first) with yours. 90% of what I said has come true. Luckily, it is archived for anyone that's interested. You truly know nothing about baseball. And Natalie: please call Theo and tell him no more "poopieheads".

I meant to write "uncharted waters" a few posts ago. Sorry for the illiterate sentence. LOL.

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