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So sour your hair will curl

Bill:
This is a great idea. Bruce at Boston Sports Media is having a "Be Dan Shaughnessy" contest, asking readahs to submit their best attempts to ape what is expected to be the CHB's column on Pedro's return to Fenway as a Met.

 

Mike:
Awsometastic. You should so entah, guy.

 

Bill:
Are you kidding me? Between watching the Sox and my addiction to internet porn, I don't have time for that shit. Besides you're the bettah writah.

 

Mike:
It's tempting. I mean if I can somehow manage to peel my eyes away from the 1-nil excitement that is World Cup soccer, I may be able to bang out something suitably Shaughnastyastic.

 

Bill:
You'd have to make reference to one or all of the following, of course: Babe Ruth, Harry Frazee, the Curse.

 

Mike:
Without question. And I suspect I'd want to bring in one of Dan's most reliable historical riffs — The Titanic, World War 1, The Summer of Love, The Kennedys …

 

Bill:
What about tone. You think his Pedro returns column will be of the nasty, "piece of filth" Shaughnessy style or will he opt for the happy-go-lucky, light-hahted attempt to be humorous bit?

 

Mike:
Oh, knowing that Shaughnessy is the master of "reworking" pieces he's previously written, I'm guessing he'll go with the angle he took after Clemens left.

 

Mike:
You know, the revisionist history stuff making it seem like he'd always been a real supporter of Pedro, you know, never ever written a disparaging word about Petey.

 

Bill:
Right, right. And his thesis will be along the lines of "Oh, you poor unwashed, unsophisticated, Boston fan fools. You drove Pedro away with your mean Puritanical spirits and the terrible things you said about him. I tried to warn you."

 

Mike:
Well there's that, but I don't suspect Shaughnessy can resist the urge to go with a multi-front attack that will hit both the fans and Sox management concurrently.

 

Bill:
So it'll be "You Boston fans think you're intelligent but you are really dumb asses. You drank the boy genius' Kool-Aid and allowed this greedy, filthy lucre front office to break up the Championship team and send Pedro out the door with an ungrateful kick to his poor, Dominican ass. Now, cretins, reap what you sow!"

 

Mike:
Yep. That's my gut. And think about it. Look how easily he can swap the "They broke up the 2004 Championship team" meme with the "Harry Frazee sold Babe Ruth!" meme.

 

Bill:
Well, what are you waiting for? Boot up MS-Word and get cracking.

 

Mike:
Heh. Just dawned on me that MS-Word and Shaughnessy have a lot in common. They're both bloated, inaccessible, and survive only because Microsoft, like the Globe, is too beholden to legacy or otherwise obtuse to realize their customers hate it and want an alternative.

 

Comments

Great last panel. CHB is now a minor sideshow at best. You nailed
'em.

I entered yesterday. You gonna do it, H.B.? You'd certainly be a favorite to win. My "column" got in mentions of Babe Ruth, Carl Everett, the curse, how Sox fans should cheer for Pedro, lot of parenthesized sentences containing arch comments, and Bob Ryan. I could have written an even longer piece of shit, but it started making me sick to my stomach.

"Ditto" to David B's comment. The CHB is just a bad punchline now. And a tip o' the bowler hat to "Bob" who first pointed out the contest in yesterday's strip comments around 5:30 pm. Where do you guys find the time to check into all this stuff?

Should be interesting to see how our Sox fare against the "cream" of the NL. Man the records on this interleague play are astonishing. AL teams are soooo teeing off on the NL. I admit to mixed emotions about seeing Pedro back in Fenway in the wrong uniform. Hope he's given the cheers he deserves. I suspect he will.

Does anyone actually like Shaughnessy? Is he read only to sate our weak human sour-milk smelling compulsion? Or is it more our rubbernecking at car accidents? I can't figure it, but it's almost and even more bizarre type of self-torment that someone would desire to channel such a jackass. I suppose a mock-piece could be cathartic, but he's such a piece that I'd imagine that eventually, like it did for Bob, it would just turn one's stomach. I imagine I feel about Mike Lupica of the NY Daily News the same that so many Sox fans feel about Shaughnessy: and as such I think, nay, I KNOW, I would pay about $10,000 to see a fight to the death in the Octogon between those two. Their only point of pride is the level of blowharddom they've achieved, so rarely precedented by sports columnists.

" would pay about $10,000 to see a fight to the death in the Octogon between those two."

Let's get ready to RRuuummmmmblle!

Yeah, I would have given Bob a more formal "tip of the cap" for the link, except in this case I did see the BSMW post on the contest on my own before Bob mentioned it in the comments.

Though, it was his mention in the comments that reminded me of it and, quite possibly, let to today's strip.

So thanks, Bob!

I'd like to take a whack at doing the CHB doppleganger, but, like Bill, I'm hurting for free time as it is.

I dislike Lupica as well. It is always difficult for me to like any sportswriter who, on their best day, could only serve as team manager or batboy.

To give the Midwest perspective, I think CHB has a following outside of Boston that sustains his fame despite his obvious shortcomings. The thing about these crappy "Curse" books is that they are likely to appear under the Christmas tree, to the displaced Sox fan, from Aunt Clueless who tries real hard to find that perfect gift and never succeeds. So they'll sell no matter what. As far as his columns go, the "I'm smarter than everyone" attitude plays well to the laid-back Midwesterner that wonders about those crazy east-coasters.

//Where do you guys find the time to check into all this stuff?//

I'm a copywriter, Rob. 'Nough said.

I'm a fan of the clap-boo myself.

Hey, it's just Danny being Danny.

EEK, h.b. You have fallen prey to the all-time pet peeve of those who strive to maintain a literate populace: you've written "Kennedy's" instead of the correct plural form "Kennedys." Please please please don't go the way of the semi-literate.

Or, maybe H.B. intentionally made it possesive, as in "the Kennedy's... (fill in the blank of indiscretions).

Doood, The last panel is priceless. So dead on. I am in the third year of a successful boycott of the CHB. I have not read a single column of his during that time. How great would it be if Petey were able to let a fastball "slip" head into the booth, ala Nuke Larouch, and nail CHB right in the head.

I have a pet peeve, too -- people who refuse to consider the difference between a typo and ignorance. :)

I write these strips at 5am in the morning in about 15 minutes, so I'm going to make lots of its/it's and their/they're errors as well errors in apostrophe use such as today with "Kennedys."

When I do, I truly appreciate someone pointing the errors/typos out and I'll correct them as soon as I can; however, please spare me the lecture on how the langauge is going to hell and/or make the assumption that I (or any other writer) made the error out of ignorance.

I thought he was talking about the Dead Kennedys.

Come on HB, we deserve better. You should be up a 4 am instead, so you can proof read this stuff, okay? Stop making excuses for diminishing our right to daily hilarity and get your ass in gear.

Anyone know what Mr. Biafra is up to these days?

Yeah, work harder, work faster!

Last I heard Biafra was being sued by the other DK's for ripping them off.

If there is truth to that claim, it'll be yet another example of someone not living up to their own self-branding. I mean what is "punk" about greed and stealing from your bandmates?

>>I'd like to take a whack at doing the CHB doppleganger, but, like Bill, I'm hurting for free time as it is>>

I just think its because if you won and we read it we would find out your secret identity and we can't have that can we:)

And besides 5 am is an ungodly hour. You would have to get up even earlier and be prone to more typos and then the nitpickers would just blow a gasket and we can't have that now can we.

Thanks for all you do H.B.

work smarter not harder h.b.
For the record I become homicidal when I hear that. Because it presupposes that I am a dummy who is spending my day doing dumb shit.(like posting to a blog maybe?)

Here's the Wiki on Mr Eric Reed Boucher aka Jello Biafra:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jello_Biafra

The Dead Kennedys themselves have been touring the country the past few years with different lead vocalists in place of Wahoo Biafra. First substitute vocalist was Brandon Cruz (yes, the kid from The Courtship of Eddie's Father) who was very active in the L.A. HxCx punk scene in the 80's and 90's. He left and was replaced by some joe. As far as I know, they've haven't written any new songs; just replaying the hits for the teen punks. But as East Bay Ray (DK's guitarist) says, "Those Dumb Punk Kids Will Buy Anything."

I guess talking about the DK's is better than talking about CHB, right?

So...are you saying CHB is equivalent to that obnoxious paper clip?

Biafra himself has recently been cutting albums with The Melvins as his backing band. I picked up one, and it's actually pretty good.

Gang - Everyone knows the plural is "Kennedies."

That comment by nitpicker reminds me of my favorite ever grammar lecture. I sent out an announcement to a string of folks at my client company and I transposed the l and the c in "welcome." This woman writes me back a scathing note about my attention to detail and lack of facility with the English language, then ends this self-same lecture note with "Sorry, but misspellings are my biggest pet peave."

I laughed for days.

Re: Shaughnessy, I remember when I moved here to Boston in '93 I LOVED him and lived for his columns. Is it possible he was once good, or was I a really naive 18 year old back then?

//who was very active in the L.A. HxCx punk scene in the 80's and 90's//

Brandon Cruz wasn't even on the radar in the late '80s-early '90s Los Angeles punk scene. I say this with personal certainty. Pee Wee Herman had more presence at the shows than he did. Really.

(My cred references include Excene Cervenka, John Doe, Billy Zoom, D.J. Bonebrake, Keith Morris, Henry Rollins, Greg Graffin, and the late, not-ever-quite-great Darby Crash. Others available upon request.)

HB,

An epic production today - take the weekend off. It must be nice to start your 'real' workday knowing you have produced something real and tangible regardless of what the rest of the day holds in store for you. The funny part about the BSM contest is that the winner will have their work posted and compared against the CHB column. Who knows - the contest may scare the CHB from penning a column on Thursday morning. [Pedro did look pretty good last night].

Klaus Flouride: Greatest band name ever. In 7th grade, Black Flag was a bit cooler than the DK's. And social distortion was the coolest ever. They were one of the very few bands that can remake a Johnny Cash tune without deserving to get their asses kicked.

Thanks Yazbread.

And you really hit on it regarding starting the day out with a sense of accomplishment.

I just sent my entry across to Media Watch.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Or is it "head's-up"?

Anyway, their going to like the entry I sent over they're. I think it's doppelgangerness is really going to be to there liking.

Hart, Great strip - laughed out loud.

Note to people who don't understand who CHB's fans are: they're the old fans who remember seeing The Kid and don't realize there's something called the internet. They think the Globe still has prestige and CHB is the "star" writer on THE religion in town.

Natalie, I've been wondering the exact same thing. Back when I was in college and got the Globe delivered daily to the dorm, I loved Shaughnessy's columns. Couldn't get enough of them.

What happened -- has his bastard quotient increased exponentially every year since I graduated in 1992, or was I just a naive stupid kid back then??

obvious malaprop, if not typo: CHB shold be PHB.

yur pal
lc

Jello is actually in Boston at Sommerville Theater 6/23 (today!)Hello Boston wake up! GO! check him out if you can! I see him whenever he speaks at SJSU. GREAT!

I dunno HB, I'm in Berlin right now and there is a palpable groundswell surrounding the Deutschland-Sweden game.The U.S. was robbed of course. Does Steinbrenner have a FIFA connection? Sox keep winning, all is well. Bring on da Mets.

Seven in a row with baby King Logan ruling the Nation!

Eight....

Bob, I was very much into "X" for a period of time, thanks for the Excene Cervenka and John Doe flashback! Good stuff....

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