It only takes a minute

Bill:
Christ, seems like every couple of weeks I need to reminded what a tough friggin game this is.

 

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Doug:
I swear it's easier to get up shit, showah, shave, and go about your business the day after a 13-0 blowout loss than it is after one of these mofo 12 inning haht breakahs.

 

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Bill:
And, yeah, yeah, I know the fan managing the team from his or her living room couch thing can get old, but is there a single Sox fan from Bangor to Bakersfield who felt comfortable when Batshit Tavarez came into the game?

 

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Doug:
I tell you what, if there's evah a celebrity Survivor and Tito is in your tribe, bitches need to make an alliance with him on day fucking one because he'll stick with your ass no mattah what a total fuckup losah you really are.

 

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Bill:
Yeah you could be all losing the fishing hook and letting the fiah go out and getting lost looking for watah and Tito would be all, "Fuck, yeah, man, me and you are going to the final two!"

 

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Doug:
I can't take an entiah summah of this. I just can't.

 

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Bill:
Remembah back in the Spring when Tavarez went all nutjob on Joey Gathright and then we latah find out that Gathright is some sort of mofo martial arts black belt?

 

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Doug:
How can I forget?

 

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Bill:
Well, why couldn't Gathright have gone all Uma in Kill Bill and given him some sort of ancient Chinese secret cripple-your-ass-for-life blink and you'll miss it blow to or about the head?

 

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Doug:
God damn those martial arts fucks and their so-called "emotional control."

 

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Global domination (not so much)

Mike:
Well, it's been awhile, but I'm here to tell you the concept of the "naked protest" is alive and, er, well.*

[*NSFW]

 

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Doug:
Thank Mohammed because I know I can only go so long without getting that sense of righteousness and 1st Amendment giddiness that only comes with seeing a bunch of doughy, middle-aged white guys exposing their genitalia.

 

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Mike:
Seriously, nothing says "freedom" and "speak truth to power" quite like an old dude's shriveled nut sack.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, kind of like nothing says "American global domination" quite like watching the national team sleepwalk their way around a World Cup pitch.

 

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Mike:
I know I've seen the Kansas City Royals put up more of a fight than that.

 

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Doug:
You'd think that being 0 for forevah on European soil would, you know, provide some motivation and shit.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, well, just wait until next quadrennial.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. 2010 is gonna be our year, bitches.

 

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Looking for some zing

Steve:
Ah, frig, a split double header never fails to befuddle me.

 

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Steve:
If I focus on the win, it's feel like I'm ignoring the reality of the loss.

 

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Steve:
If I let the loss carry sway, I feel like I'm being too pessimistic in not giving the win its due.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, well, I can't help but look at the Texas series as a whole and not feel so good …

 

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Mike:
We were sanguine in the face of dropping 2 of 3 to the Yankees in the Bronx. But dropping 2 of 4 to the Rangers in Fenway right aftah?

 

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Mike:
You've got melancholic in my sanguine.

 

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Steve:
Hopefully the Sox can get some groove on against the struggling Twinks at the always joyless Metrogloam.

 

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Mike:
But before that even, maybe the US National Team can surprise the #2 ranked in the world Czech Republic and put some zing in my day.

 

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Bring on the kid lefty

Mike:
Let's hear it for the old guys, Schilling and the Cap'n salvage the series on with an awesome game.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, and what a perfect place for that twosome to bring it on. Are there any two Red Sox who elicit as much revulsion by Yankees fans than Schill and Tek?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, it doesn't erase the memory of the first two games or the fact that we trail the Yankees in the standings, but it sure as hell helps.

 

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Bill:
You know what also helps? A-Rod was 0-for-4 in the game, 1-for-11 in the series.

 

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Mike:
Loving it. And how cool is it that Schilling insists he still doesn't feel comfortable on the mound yet the Sox are 11-2 in games he stahts?

 

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Bill:
I love Schilling. He's got that "it" factah, you know? Even when he's not 100%, you know he's going to chew the tinfoil and do his damndest to take it to the hittahs.

 

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Mike:
That's what Pedro had, too. Remember that playoff game against the Indians in 9'9 when Petey was all half-dead from the flu but came in as a relievah and no-hit the Tribe for 6 innings?

 

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Bill:
One of the gutsiest athletic performances I've evah witnessed and it rivals the "bloody sock" game for all-time Red Sox pitching feats.

 

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Mike:
Man, I miss Petey.

 

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Bill:
Well, I miss the 1999 version of Pedro and the current Mets remix of Pedro, but the sullen, bitchy, mango tree branch up his ass "the Yankees are my Daddy" version? Not so much.

 

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Mike:
Still, as Simmons says, "Pedro should have finished his career in Boston. For what they eventually paid Clement and David Wells, the Red Sox could have locked up Pedro to an extension before the 2004 season. Instead, they took care of Schilling and inadvertently ended up pushing the greatest pitcher in franchise history out the door."

 

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Bill:
I think that's bullshit revisionist history, personally. I don't mean that, yeah, it would have been way better, in hindsight to lock up Pedro before 2004, but I don't buy the "took care of Schilling" angle as some quid pro quo negative.

 

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Bill:
Has Simmons forgotten 2003? We had to have a front line starter like Schilling to augment the staff. Especially with Pedro's ongoing shoulder issues and the ubiquitous time on the DL.

 

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Mike:
Still feels like a bad divorce to me.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, well, extending the metaphor, hopefully Jon Lester, the most celebrated left hand prospect since Bruce Hurst, will become the new trophy wife and you can forget all about your ex Petey.

 

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Mike:
Not too much pressure on the rookie, eh?

 

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Only one chance to make a first impression

Another mid-week interruption to the flow of the season after the wash out last night. Of course, we could discuss Jason Grimsley and what impact this might have on another Jason whose last name also starts with a G, but, you know, there's nothing funny about human growth hormone …

Doug:
Ding dong Zarqawi's dead, another jihadist nutjob's dead.

 

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Mike:
What I want to know is was al-Zarqawi wearing those bright white New Balance sneakers with fatigues when he got his airmail special delivery?

 

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Doug:
Seriously, what was he thinking with that ensemble? Dude, you represent the Axis of Evil for fuck's sake. C'mon dress like you mean it.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, you don't try to take over the world wearing old lady mall walkah sneakahs. You gotta represent and shit.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely, I mean look at Osama Bin Laden. The friggin' long white robes and blanket thingy draped over his shoulder is totally pissah.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, it's a look that says, "Listen up, bitches, I ain't playin' by your rules."

 

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Doug:
And look at Kim Jong Il. Dude's totally got that evil coat-shirt-jacket Doctor No thing going on. That so works for him.

 

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Mike:
You know, I'm really liking the suit and no tie look Ahmadinejad is sporting.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, it's subtle. Not an in your face nutjob kind of thing but a more of a Cool Hand Luke or Vegas card shark look which fits his M.O. totally.

 

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Mike:
Right his look is all "What me build a bomb? Get out. I'm just looking for an alternative to fossil fuels for energy, you know? C'mon let's go hit the hookah and cruise the bar for easy, infidel chicks."

 

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You can't pretend to feel worse than you really do.

Doug:
Who and the frig names their kid "Melky" anyway? Jeez.

 

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Mike:
Well, fate seems to have once again returned to conspiring against the Red Sox. David Pauley pitches the game of his life but we still lose 2-1.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, what the frig you gonna do? What is, is — for the past two games the Yankees have simply been the bettah team. Perhaps the Yankees are the bettah team overall? Whatev. Have to keep rooting the good guys just the same.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, it's pretty simple isn't it? Like the song says, "Root root for the home team, if they don't win it's a shame."

 

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Doug:
Sucks to lose two straight to the Spankees. Sucks to be in the unenviable position of having to win the next two to even it out, but c'est la vie, you know?

 

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Mike:
We've seen a fuck of a lot worse and that managed to turn out just fine.

 

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Doug:
In the end, even getting swept by the Yankees is "just a shame" and definitely not "just an opportunity to question the cosmos and put in a call to Dr Kevorkian."

 

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Mike:
Gotta like what we saw in David Pauley. And Hansen coming up to start Saturday?

 

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Doug:
There is food enough and rent enough and time enough.

 

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Mike:
Down stairways march great men smiling.

 

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Doug:
Bums wear diamonds on their fingahs.

 

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Night in the Ruts

Bill:
So much for the Y-AAA-nkees, eh?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, all they need is for the remaindah of their season-opening stahtahs to go on the DL so they can go on to win 110 games with their minor league callups.

 

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Bill:
Who the fuck has been doing these craptastic scouting reports on the Yankees farm system and telling us "it's empty, devoid of talent," the CIA? I mean talk about lousy intel.

 

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Mike:
No kidding, if the spooks in Chantilly are still looking for Iraq's missing WMD, try underneath the clubhouse at Trenton Thunder or Columbus Clippers.

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, how appropriate is it that on the eve of 6-6-6 we were taken into the bowels of Hell and bedeviled by Johnny Damien and his minions.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, who knew that slut Rosemary named her baby Andy Phillips?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, and who knew reading Josh Beckett's stats would be akin to reading apocalyptic literature?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, every time Beckett gives up another armageddon long ball, I feel totally fucking Left Behind.

 

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Bill:
And David Pauley tonight pitching in only his second game above Double-A ball?

 

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Mike:
The forecast calls for locusts.

 

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Pushing the button

Lisa the Temp:
Hi, I'm Lisa, and I'll be your temp today.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
I've been tasked with conveying the following message: "Get out your pink-sequined hats, people, the Sox just took 2 of 3 from Detroit."

 

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Lisa the Temp:
I trust that has some sort of meaning for you fans of the crotch-grabbing borefest you call baseball.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
OK, run along now. Lisa the Temp is busy working on her cover letter for a new career.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Experience working with technology from the 80s. Check. Thrives at meaningless tasks while under surreptitious surveillance. Check. I'm so going to love working at Hanso. Namaste, bitches!

 

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New York, we've got your back!

OK, people, you know what happens when the Red Sox have a travel day in the middle of the week and there is no game to discuss. Yes, it's time to pop out of our all Red Sox world and take a look around elsewhere …

Bill:
Bad day to be a New Yorkah, eh? First they hear the DHS is cutting the rotten apple's anti-terrah funds because, get this, they don't have any monuments worth protecting … Heh.

 

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Bill:
Then the Fruit Bat hurts his fruit back "putting on his left shoe," (you can't make shit like this up!) so is unavailable to pitch and, to add insult to injury, the Spankees blow a 5-0 lead over the Tigers when Farnsworth implodes.

 

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Doug:
This tarnishing of the City of New York's "Mystique and Aura" status is truly heinous, which is why, being the compassionate guy that I am …

 

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Bill:
Oh, boy, here we go …

 

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Doug:
Listen, guy, let me tell you something — compassion nevah goes out of style. So, even while I'm a proud Bostonian, I'm not going to let something as "trivial" as a baseball rivalry stand in the way of doing, you know, the right thing and all.

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. I mean priorities and all …

 

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Doug:
So I heard the clarion call of the Most Honorable Members of Congress representing New York and answered it by creating my own special card in iPhoto to send to the DHS.

 

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Bill:
You're a helluva a guy.

 

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Doug:
Hey, when it comes to national security, there's nothing to joke about.

 

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Hurricane season: Are you prepared?

Steve:
So even though he can barely hit his weight, without Alex Gonzalez last night is a loss.

 

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Mike:
A-Gon's defense is incredible. The plays he makes, I see 'em but I still can't believe 'em.

 

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Steve:
Meanwhile, I know Wily Mo Pena was never intended to help the team this year, as he's all about the future, but, still, his wrist injury in gonna hurt us in the present.

 

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Mike:
Even more troubling, that's the kind of injury that can totally screw up a hittah permanently.

 

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Steve:
Man, what a tough fucking game this is.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, everything is lining up for a classic June swoon.

 

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Steve:
It's times like this when 2004's success absolutely humbles me. I mean, it's just so difficult to have everything fall into place like that.

 

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Mike:
Dude, you're not tossing in the towel on '06 already are you?

 

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Steve:
No way. I mean back in the wintah, who could have foreseen Jonathan Papelbon's emergence as closer extrodinairre? A team best ever 19 consecutive saves to start the season?

 

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Mike:
Absolutely, there's still so much possibility. Crisp is back. Wells is probably going to be OK. And then there's Lester being primped and preened for a late summer call up.

 

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Steve:
But we're going to have to get a few lucky bounces along the way or else we're all going to be feeling like Jennifer Aniston.

 

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