Just what can you depend on?

Bill:
My day isn't off to a good staht …

 

---

Bill:
I not only burnt my balls in the showah this morning, I spun around to get out of the burning water and burnt my bunghole too.

 

---

Doug:
And don't look to the Red Sox for solace. I don't want to alarm you, but the Sox pitching has, er, issues.

 

---

Doug:
Beckett has the worst staht of his career and tonight we're going with a double-A righthandah I've nevah heard of.

 

---

Bill:
Everywhere an ill wind blows.

 

---

Doug:
So that so-called pitching glut that allowed the Sox to trade off Arroyo sure was short lived.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, I've had fucking hangovahs that have lasted longah.

 

---

Doug:
Hey, at least the little dancing for dollahs bump and grind pole dance the front office was doing with Hendricks and Clemens is ovah.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, I haven't seen that much collective fantasizing since the Paris Hilton sex tapes first went online a couple years ago.

 

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Doug:
Realistically, I think we dodged a bullet on that one. Having Clemens would be like dating a strippah. I mean is seems like a good idea, but no good can come of it.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, besides, I want my disdain for Roger Clemens to continue unfettered through the decades.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, if you can't depend on a never ending hatred, just what can you depend on?

 

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Jock-O-Rama

Doug:
The worst thing about a 3-day weekend is the Tuesday aftah. Argh. I'm so not ready to begin the work week.

 

---

Steve:
Well, you couldn't ask for a better start to the Memorial Weekend, but the end, er, not so much.

 

---

Doug:
Yep, another Halladay in Cambodia.

 

---

Steve:
At least it wasn't total fresh fruit for rotten vegetables escapade. I mean it wasn't so much that Halladay was unhittable as it was that Matt Clement was so absofuckinglutely hittable.

 

---

Doug:
Jesus H. Mohamed what in the fuck are we going to do with Matt $9mil a year Clement?

 

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Steve:
Well, I'm hoping the Bradgelina or some other celebrity will adopt him as a hardship case needing a good home.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, why should the orphan AIDs babies get all the fucking breaks?

 

---

Steve:
Cafardo, in his infinite wisdom, writes that Clement just needs a two week vacation.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, because it it's true that Clement's pitching woes all stem from the psychological baggage of getting beaned in the head by a linah last year, then two weeks off will fix that up sure as shit. Jeez, Nick, don't quit your day job.

 

---

Beckett, Brides, and the Backstroke Roulette

Susan/Circle:
When Beckett is on, there is no pitchah I'd rathah watch right now.

 

---

Mike:
It's so sweet to have that "can't wait for every 5th game" feeling back and counting ahead on the schedule to see whom Beckett will face.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, we got so spoiled all those years with Pedro and then 04 with Pedro and Schilling. Last year really brought it home how it sucks not to have an ace every 5th game.

 

---

Mike:
So the most eligible bachelor in Boston is no more.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, well, he isn't married yet, is he? You know the comely bride-to-be Miss Whitney is not a baseball fan, right?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, so I've heard.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Well, whatevah, I wish the lovely couple the best of luck and all. Let's just hope Theo's advanced scouting on selecting a mate for breeding falls into the Orlando Cabrera and Dave Roberts category and not the Byung-Hyun Kim and Edgah Renteria category.

 

---

Mike:
All I know is when it comes to wives, nobody but nobody can top the international soccer dudes*.

[*NSFW territory]

 

---

Susan/Circle:
What can you say, some chicks dig the checkered ball.

 

---

Mike:
I just don't get it. Soccer?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Hey, I gotta confess, if Brian McBride wanted to give me a little headah, I couldn't say no.

 

---

Mike:
I dunno. I just don't trust a sport in which you can't use your hands. Goes against nature or something.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, because, you know, guys do such incredible things with their hands when given half a chance.

 

---

Mike:
"Hey, ah, Mom, Dad, I know what you've been saying about me needing to find a job and move into my own place and all, so if you're looking for me I'll be down at the public library, er, doing some career research… back in two shakes."

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, then a couple days latah dude's all, "Hey, Ma, Dad, Guess what? I've got a job prospect lined up! Yep. Only thing is they require proficiency in one-handed typing, so I need to go to the library and practice. I may have to practice a lot, too. Like a couple times a day."

 

---

You gotta get that dirt off your shoulder

Marty:
Hey, Callaghan, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I want you to know I'm always here for you, man.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, hats off to your Yankees, Marty. You guys are like the Faye Dunaways of baseball. You're like 100 years old but, through the miracle of science, you manage to fake it.

 

---

Marty:
Ah, Billy boy, two words for you: Melky Cabrera. Think about it. A rookie from our much maligned farm system comes up and gets 4 RBI.

 

---

Marty:
Meanwhile, your so-called "Mr Clutch" goes 0-fer, all on whiffs, including a bases loaded rally killer in the 8th?

 

---

Bill:
I can't believe you just spun the karma wheel by dissing Big Papi in May, Marty, May. You know that shit's gonna come back and haunt your ass come October.

 

---

Marty:
Karma? Haunting? Curses? Jeez, it's good to know winning a World Series hasn't changed anything for you Sawx fans. Whenever I hear you guys talk it sounds like a bunch crystal wearing wiccan hags at Goddess convention in Santa Fe.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, funny, how things have changed for "youseguys" though, huh? I mean there was a time when Yankees fans would have too much pride to get excited about taking 2 of 3 in Fenway in May. That '04 choke job really fucked with your heads I guess.

 

---

Marty:
Look. You had a chance to put  a vulnerable and weakened opponent away, but you just couldn't do it. Your Sawx just don't have the killer instinct. Never had, never will.

 

---

Bill:
Hey, Narcissa, newsflash, it isn't about you anymore. We're going to lose a few home series during the season, may even get swept on occasion. Could be by the Yankees, could be by Tampa Bay. Whatev. Dirt off the shouldah.

 

---

Marty:
You're in denial, Callaghan.

 

---

Bill:
By the way, Marts, last time I checked the Red Sox are still up 4-3 going against the Yankees and are still in first place.

 

---

Marty:
Better make the most of it while you can, Callaghan, because it won't last.

 

---

Re-hydration process commencing

Your omniscient author in absentia:
OK, here's the skinny. A couple of weeks ago my day-job company won a prestigious and significant award for overall kicking ass in our industry, and last night we had the celebratory party …

So this morning, to put it bluntly, I have a hangover the size of Poland, and my sad, sorry ass is dragging.

I saw nothing of last night's loss to the Yankees, not even a single highlight (thankfully), and this morning the miserable light from the computer is blitzkrieging my brain like a Stuka.

And I'm so old that I make metaphors about Stukas, so you can only imagine what this boozification is doing to my not-in-my-20's-anymore body.

But, hell, you know, it could be worse.

 

---

Like a Virgin (Hey!) Touched by Mohamed Atta...

Doug:
Well, as is often the case, Schilling proved actions speak loudah than words when dealing with his critics.

 

---

Mike:
Nothing like an eight-inning, five-hit, one-run mastahpiece to say, "I've got your hurt from a 133 game pitch count right heah, a-holes." Beautiful.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, and Francona took the words out of my mouth in describing Ortiz's single on that 3-0 pitch that got things going in the 3rd: "That was a gorgeous swing."

 

---

Mike:
That's the thing about David Ortiz. His grace with the bat is phenomenal. His singles look every bit as perfect as his moon shots. Viva El Papi.

 

---

Doug:
And that he's followed by Manny? I mean how sweet can life get?

 

---

Mike:
When the Manny Ortez comes up to bat, everyone, no mattah where they are or what they're doing, stops to watch.

 

---

Doug:
You know, bitches like Lindsay Hohan and Parasite Hilton wish they could be as a hot as the Manny Ortez.

 

---

Mike:
Thank heavens for baseball stahs, because they just don't make celebrities like they used to.

 

---

Doug:
No kidding, even Madonna is tarnishing her legacy by dragging her fit, but still ridiculously haggy and shop worn, ass all over the stage in her Confessions of a Tired Vagina Tour.

 

---

Mike:
Note to Madge: The whole cross thing is way the fuck overdone. That crap might get few Cardinals all pissy, but for the general public it's not edgy, it's not shocking, it's boring.

 

---

Doug:
These days, fucking around with Christian iconography is about as edgy as buying a "Speak Truth to Power!" t-shirt at Wal-Mart.

 

---

Mike:
Seriously. If Madonna really wanted to create a stir she'd skip the cross and the crown of thorns bullshit and get up on the stage in a see-through burqa and start dry humping one of her gay dancers impersonating the Prophet Mohammed.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, and she'd rework her song "Like a Prayer" into "Like a Beheading."

 

---

Mike:
Now that's the hizzy shit that'd get her edgy street cred back.

 

---

Doug:
You know, Madonna is so old and washed up, I'm surprised the Yankees haven't signed her to a long term contract.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, she and Redneck Randy could sit around watching old VHS tapes of their greatest moments last Century.

 

---

Zoning out

Bill:
OK, I do buy into this whole positive thinking, powah of the mind stuff, so why does it amuse me to no end to picture A-Rod walking around chanting ";I hit solid with an accelerated bat head"?

 

---

Mike:
You know, every time I tell myself, OK, that's it, no more making fun of A-Rod, something like this comes along that proves irresistible.

 

---

Bill:
Imagining A-Rod as Stuart Smalley is just too funny. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

 

---

Mike:
Heh. And after another 0-fer in a clutch situation: "I am a human being, not a human doing."

 

---

Bill:
So is it me or has The Rivalry hype been turned down a few notches going into tonight?

 

---

Mike:
Well, as much as I hope to take it to the Spankees and gain some ground in the standings, emotionally it's a no-win situation for Sox fans …

 

---

Mike:
I mean if we win it's all "Well, the Yankees have half their guys on the DL, so it doesn't mean anything." And if the Sox lose it's all "hah, you guys lost to the AAA Yankees team, losahs."

 

---

Stay on the scene (get on up)

Susan:
OK. In the interest of fair play and all, I think we all owe Giambi an apology. It isn't steroids making him the way he is.

 

---

Mike:
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

 

---

Mike:
I love this line: "How the two emerging species, one walking upright while the other moved around on all-fours, managed to view each other as attractive mates - is something we will probably nevah know."

 

---

Susan:
Ah, these researchers must have missed the memo: your average horny guy will hump pretty much anything, be it human, animal, or inanimate object, if it gets the job done.

 

---

Susan:
I mean how else to you explain the "glory hole" concept?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, because, you know, women never opt for any, er, creative alternatives or anything*.

[*NSFW!!]

 

---

Susan:
Hey, a girls gotta do what a girl's gotta do these days. Movin' and doin' it, you know.

 

---

Mike:
So given a choice, sex machine or on base machine, whadya take?

 

---

Susan:
Yoooooouuuuuuuuk!

 

---

Mike:
Hell, yeah. And let's be snarky and point out, Kevin Youkilis' has the best in the majahs OBP of .430 while Johnny "How will we ever manage without you " Damon sitting with his clean shaven .360.

 

---

Susan:
And just wait 'til Coco returns.

 

---

Mike:
Coco's OPB and base stealing prowess leading the top half and Youks in the bottom half? Shhheeat. Get up, get on up.

 

---

Susan:
Shake your money makah!

 

---

One for the Birds

OK so no need to dwell too long on a loss … Meanwhile we haven't mentioned Lost in awhile …

Tara:
Damn. Another night, another Wakefield start where the bats go anemic.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, Wakefield's in the bottom 10 for run support in the Majors (but I'll be damned if I can remember where I read that.)

 

---

Tara:
Meanwhile, Willy Harris kills a 9th inning rally by getting caught stealing and then says he "forgot" there was a hold sign for him?

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, well, it could be worse. He could be a Lostaway on Craphole Island who finds the central "Pearl" observation hatch and uncovers that his own people's hatch is wired Big Brother stylee and that they are all part of some whack job physchological experiment but then, you know, forget to tell anyone about it.

 

---

Tara:
Because, yeah, like why would that be helpful information?

 

---

Bill:
And what the frig has happened to Mr. Eko? He's all, yeah, yeah, you run along to your funeral and shit because I'm way the fuck too busy here in the hatch playing Pong on my Radio Shack TRS-80.

 

---

Tara:
At this point on Lost, I actually find myself rooting for The Others. I mean at least they have some sort of plan.

 

---

Bill:
Not to mention a leader, a chain of command, and a bunch of red shirts guarding the fuck out of their shit.

 

---

Tara:
Fires, huts, teepees … It's a regular Club Others over there compared to Laguna Del Tarp.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, and with all that testing of Walt, they're probably the only district that is going to meet their No Child Left Behind mandate as well.

 

---

Tara:
Put me on the list already.

 

---

If we could talk to the animals

Doug:
So this beating the O's 12 consecutive times now is sweet revenge for 2004 when the Sox went 9 and 10 against Baltimore.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, because, you know, 2004 was so disastrous and all. Heh.

 

---

Doug:
OK so the Sox are humming along nicely just now at 9 games over 500, but the gloomy side of my persona can't help but worry about Schilling. I mean giving up 3 dingahs to the Orioles? C'mon, that was one fugly "win."

 

---

Mike:
No worries. Schilling says he's just overthrowing the ball in 2 strike situations. He'll figure it out. Besides it gives us a chance to revel in the glory of having a "shut-down" bullpen, no runs, no hits and one walk over 3 1/3 innings.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, no kidding. Paplebon 14 saves with less than 2 full months into the season and battars just .151 against him.

 

---

Mike:
I mean talk about your fucking Alluha Akbar. May peace be upon Papelbon.

 

---

Doug:
Alright. So we now know for certain that a monkey is no match for a bear. But how about the bear versus the nut-ripping chimp?

 

---

Mike:
Whoa, dude, slow down here. See if I'm the nut-rippah's fight managah, there's no way I'm letting the bear into the ring with my man, er, chimp. It'd be insulting to the chimp.

 

---

Doug:
Really, how so?

 

---

Mike:
The bear's got no friggin' street cred. I mean what's Smokey done, eat a little zoo monkey? Pfawh, even A-Rod could take the pathetic zoo monkey.

 

---

Mike:
Think about it. The chimps have been taking it all the way to the fucking man.

 

---

Doug:
OK, Don King, so what's it gonna be? Chimp versus …?

 

---

Mike:
C'mon isn't it obvious? Who else has all a sudden gone loco on da Man? Yeah, that's it, the killah gatars.

 

---

Doug:
Killah chimp vs killah gatah. No holds barred.

 

---

Mike:
And they're both named Ditka.

 

---

Doug:
Fucking-A awesome.

 

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