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Just a paper cut

So if you want to assemble a pitching staff to bitch slap the Red Sox, forget Randy Johnson, forget Johan Santana, no, you go with Ted Lily and Scott Kazmir fercrissakes.


Yeah, I'm surprised Steinbrennah hasn't asked his personal valet Cashman to look into getting Kazmir, who's won each of Tampa Bay’s last three victories at Fenway dating back to Sept. 14, 2004.


You know, despite how it always sucks to lose to the perennial cellah dwellah Rays, with all that's been going good, this is definitely a "Meh" loss and not a time to go all George Michael breakdown and shit.


Yeah, which is why I'm surprised to read the generally level-headed Bob Ryan dicking around with the panic button.


Same heah. I mean when I came to the paht where Ryan not so subtly suggests Francona is somehow covering up a "serious problem" with the club, I had to check the byline to make sure I'd hadn't inadvertently stepped in a turd column Shaughnessy grunted out.


Well we all know how much bettah it'd be if Francona stahted saying, "You know a 6-4 homestand totally sucks. Bard couldn't catch a knuckleball even if it was dipped in poontang. And Manny fercrissakes isn't even hitting his IQ."


You know thank Jesus H. Mohammed that the balls of fluffanutah doom and gloom crowd become writahs and not baseball skippahs.


Or worse, tank commandahs or Apache pilots. Shit, dude's would surrendah so fast the French would be jealous.



Nice one h.b. I wondered if I was the only one not crushed by last night's loss. Only thing it harms is the momentum. Gotta feel sorry for Wake - one run in support in his last three starts? Good thing is, he's the type who doesn't get all sniffy about it; just keeps on working for the team.

Bring on the blue budgies.

No, last night's game is not even close to panic-worthy. The Sox seem to do this every year ... they make a schmo like Kazmir or Lilly or Joel Pinheado look like Cy Young.

You have to feel for Wake right now ... they've scored 1 run total in his last 2 starts at Fenway.

Enough of playing these lower-level teams ... let's see what they can do against the Spanks, other Sox, and The The Angels Angels of Anaheim.

Oh hartless one, how can you make me smile after a loss to the Devil Waste?

The last time I was at Fenway was that 9/14/04 game where Kazmir brought it and Pedro was well, not quite "on." I've hated Kazmir ever since.

J.H.M., being faint-hearted is not a quality that most of us older Sox fans (you know who you are: you watched the Sox play on TV's the size of cadillacs in your grandparents living rooms or listen to the radio on the porch)...I'm with Theo & Tito: pitching and defense (and what sweet defense this year so far). Folks, including Ryan need a calender check and a gut check.

"Bard couldn't catch a knuckleball even if it was dipped in poontang"

Now THAT is a sorry state of affairs.

Wake once again suffers from a massive loss of run support. Whattyagonnado? I really feel for the guy though, first his catcher gets traded, then the guy who they got to replace him can't catch the knuckler with a manhole plate-sized glove, then Tito decides to go with the placeholder lineup in his last start, then, well... last night happens.

Fuck it- we got the Florida expatriates battling it out tonight. Let's see who ended up with the better deal in the offseason (I think I know already).

George: What is that? Is that Kazmir?

Jerry: Yeah. She would love Kazmir.

George: Who doesn't like Kazmir? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like Kazmir. It's too expensive.

Jerry: Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600.

George: Wow. Excuse me, Miss?

Woman: Yes?

George: How come this sweater is only 85 dollars?

Woman: (showing the dot) Oh, here. This is why.

George: What? I don't see anything.

Woman: See this red dot?

George: Oh yeah.

Jerry: Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater)

George: (grabbing the sweater back) Well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh?

(George purchases the damaged Kazmir and adds it to his pitching staff.)

"the generally level headed Bob Ryan...?"

If you're comparing him to CHB, he's as level-headed as the next guy, but I otherwise would not describe him as such.

Frustrating for Wake so far, no question, but if he keeps pitching like that he will win his share of games this year.

This one does go into the "you can't win them all" file. If you win 95, you have to lose 67. Why not take one of those losses here?

If Youk wears 1/2-inch spikes instead of 1/4, he holds the bag and AGon makes another jaw dropping play at short. Wow. These guys are fun to watch in the field, especially after returning home from a 9-year-old little league game.

Wouldn't it have been nice to have Becket throw last night, sweep the series and enter the next one with serious momentum? I will never like the Schill-Wake-Becket order. Sorry.

11-5, on top of the AL East by 1.5 games? Yeah, I'm panicking.

Poor Wakefield, poor, poor Wakefield. But, in reality, weep for the hundreds of fantasy teams (including mine) that are now utterly destroyed because of Rafael Furcal running into Derrek Lee like an idiot.

Come back soon, D-lee, I need you.

"Wouldn't it have been nice to have Becket throw last night, sweep the series and enter the next one with serious momentum? I will never like the Schill-Wake-Becket order. Sorry."

We scored one run last night. Are you saying that Beckett would have thrown a shutout?

I think what Bobo is missing is the freak lineup that happens when Wake is on the mound and the oponant fields a leftie... and then Tito rests some key guys. The lineup in Saturday's loss:

I don't know why Wakefield isn't more pissed. Aside from Manny and Oritz, he may as well have the Pawsox linup batting for him. Last night with Loretta and Lowell in the lineup they fared a little better.

Also, I made a decision to stop reading Shaunessy. Haven't since the first of March and I've never felt better.

Dear Doug,

No doubt Kazmir is somewhere on the master list of wants, needs and desires. I think, however, that "personal valet" Cashman is slightly more interested in another pitcher right about now.

In other news:

"For example, a visit by the Yankees can increase a home team's ticket sales by as much as 25%. And the Yankees account for 27% of all league merchandise sales, the profits of which get shared equally throughout the league to the tune of more than $3 million per franchise."

Stated another way:

"But I who have seen the nature of the good that it is beautiful, and of the bad that it is ugly, and the nature of him who does wrong, that it is akin to me, not only of the same blood or seed, but that it participates in the same intelligence and the same portion of the divinity, I can neither be injured by any of them, for no one can fix on me what is ugly, nor can I be angry with my kinsman, nor hate him, For we are made for co-operation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of the upper and lower teeth. To act against one another then is contrary to nature; and it is acting against one another to be vexed and to turn away."
-Marcus Aurelius, approx. 170-175AD

I've attended 3 games now at Fenway this season. 2 were losses (last Thursday and yesterday).

I had the misfortune of holding tickets to the Lilly and Kazmir game and I have to say that it hurts.

But I saw Beckett on Easter Sunday. That was rockin'.

Exactly what I was thinking about Kazmir and Lilly. The Yankees were idiots for picking up Johnson and Pavano when they could have had those two with a little effort.

And let's cut Bard some slack. For those who have convienently forgotten, Mirabelli in three of his last four years catching Wake had passed balls in the double digits, including 15 in 2004. That's not what lost the game. The 3-4-5-6 hitters in the lineup going 1 for 15 is what lost the game. It happens. Give Kazmir credit.

Since when did Ryan turn into a panic monger? Has he been hanging around with CHB too much?

Doug replies to Jason O:

I fully expect the Yankees road attendance to increase this year. I mean who doesn't want to turn up and see if Randy Johnson has a geriatric collapse on the mound or if Giambi's penis will actually be subsumed by his torso from the years of juicing.

That's some bad ass entertainment!

Doug, thanks for your reply.

I do envy the Red Sox in that Francona is similar to Art Howe in Moneyball, i.e., he does what he's told.

In contrast, Giambi will have another .420+ OBP year, with power, and is he batting 2nd? No, he's 5th because Torre channels fucking Joe Morgan and Tony LaRussa and uses "baseball instincts" when he makes the lineup.

As for the focus on Giambi's genitalia, I leave that to your experienced and capable hands.

Dude, you insult Torre by comparing him to Joe Morgan, the stupidest man on TV, and that schmuck Tony "We lost to the Red Sox because of poor room service in Boston but George Will still loves me" LaRussa.

I like Torre, actually. Of course, he completely burns out his relievers year after year, but I'm not complaining.

Does Becket toss a shutout? Who knows?

In a sport where every pitch is dictated by what happened on the previous pitch, it is impossible to predict anything.

Wake did great 1-2-3 in the first three innings.

But imagine the different mood with a Becket start vs. a Wake start. The energy could have juiced the batters, giving them the extra confidence to touch Kazmir. All the momentum the Sox had floated with the first knuckleball of the night.

Oh well. Now we have Becket to kick off the next series (vs. a legit division foe) with a bang. I'll just wait fot the Schilling-Becket one-two punch in the playoffs.

"baseball instincts" = 7-7 record.

Good call, JO.

//The energy could have juiced the batters, giving them the extra confidence to touch Kazmir. All the momentum the Sox had floated with the first knuckleball of the night.//

That's seriously funny. Is that a CHB parody? Anyway, thanks for my laugh of the day.

Just a thought, h.b., but I was wondering if it'd be possible through Thinkpad to setup a "current day" entry page that mirrored to the direct entry link.


http://www.soxaholix.com/todays-entry.html -> http://www.soxaholix.com/tp/2006/04/just_a_paper_cu.html

...and on Monday when you posted a new entry, that link would auto-update to the new page URL.

The reason I ask is because I like to open my browser each day to a small handful of sites (your's included), but when I reach this tab (directed to the front page of the site) on my browser, I have to find the newest entry title and click on it to get the comic AND responses (half the reason I come here). It'd be nice if I could bookmark a link that always stays updated to the most current Soxaholix page. Thoughts?

Thanks for the consideration.

Jason, unfortunately you are basking in the glow of the past. Sure the Yanks increase attendance at away stadiums - but not as much as the Red Sox do.

"Boston led MLB with an average of 37,735 per road game while the Yankees finished with an average of 37,036. "


"Dude's would surrender so fast the french would be jealous"

Excellent, h.b.!

Bring on the Toronto SARS

Before Jason comes back with a reply...

The problem with that road attendance thing is the Yankees have to play at the Fenway on the road, whereas the Red Sox don't. Otherwise, Yankees would win the road attendance record handily.

Hey, look on the upside. At least we don't have Wake pitching crappily in this set against Blue Jays 2.0. I'm not overly sad about the Rays taking one from us yesterday. The law of averages has to kick in once in a while. :-)

In other news, for those of you who live in cities like Boston, NY, Philly, etc., what do you do when a panhandler, beggar, or just some guy with a sob story about how he needs someone to help him buy a train ticket back home, comes up to you and asks you for money?

I'm trying to develop new and fun strategies, like asking them over and over again what they want until they go away, or possibly just telling them "Umm... what?" like 20 times just to screw with them. Or digging in my pocket for change and then saying "I got one of these for ya!" and flipping them off, and then, "Oh look, I found another!" Hehe. Please give me some fun suggestions for next time I take the train into center city and have to deal with the idiots, when all I want is a nice yummy Pat's cheesesteak.

"I've attended 3 games now at Fenway this season. 2 were losses (last Thursday and yesterday).

I had the misfortune of holding tickets to the Lilly and Kazmir game and I have to say that it hurts.

But I saw Beckett on Easter Sunday. That was rockin'."

Kaz Please... the only games I can go to this season are the three games of interleague with the Braves. It won't be even close to being at Fenway.

Lucky bastid...

Sorry, James, I somehow got my call in to the 10th Man Plan offer voicemail before everyone else and will continue to renew my bleacher-seat, mini-season tickets as if they were full-season, 1st baseline, straight-outta-Fever-Pitch tickets. I've even gotten to know the regulars around me on my game days...although I don't really have a "Sponge King", just a few nice families and groups of friends.

But you're right, sometimes we don't realize how good we've got it without reference to the others outside our domains (that's a good lesson for you too, Philly P...leave the panhandlers alone).

(I hesitate to remark on having just found a roommate who is an intern in the Front Office and how we've already discussed him getting me home plate box seat comp tickets for some upcoming games....and the food he brings home from the clubhouse pre-game buffet! magnifique!....er, sorry, I got a little outta hand there)

Kaz - sigh. Good for you. Somebody's gotta live the dream. :-)

And Bob - props on the red dot/kazmir thing!

No to further your misery, J, but so far I've been able to make it to Fenway twice: Opening Day, which was, well- opening day, and the Loretta walkoff gem on Pat's Day. God, I think this is my year.....

Kaz, what bleacher section are your 10th Man Plan seats in? I'm in 39 (Plan Y, Mon.-Wed.-Sat.)

The reason MFY draw so much on the road is New Yorkers breed like rats, move to other places and when the team is in town they all go to see em.
MMMMMMMMMMM Fluffernutter......I havent had a fluffernutter in about 8 years. Cant get real "Fluff" in CA.

42, Plan Z (Wed,Thu,Sun).

Kaz, I'm not talkin' about the panhandlers who sit on the sidewalk with cups or cans or anything... They can do that all they want, and it doesn't bother me at all (even if a 2002 study showed that 99% of them in Philadelphia are suffering from some kind of alcohol or drug addiction, and are not actually homeless.)

I can't walk for two minutes on Market Street (the eastern part, near Market East and the Gallery, for any of you who know the place) down here without getting some annoying bastards talking to me, telling me some stupid sob story about why they need money. "Oh, I just got out of the hospital, do you have some change?" or "Oh, I'm stuck here in the city with only $2.75 and I need a train ticket home."

Why the bloody hell would you come into the city with no money, ferchrissakes?? Those annoying bastards who come up and bother me when I'm tryin' to walk through Center City are the people who piss me off, and therefore, I almost feel obligated to screw with them in some way. But then that wastes some more of my time. So I'm caught in an internal battle -- messing with them is fun, but ignoring them saves me time.

Hey Bob, I've got the same plan as you in 39. How far up are you?

And as for Kazmir, the kid is no scrub. He's 22 and last season he had a 3.77 ERA and was 4th in the AL in K's. In other words, he's not just doing it to the Sox, and there's no end to the terror in sight.

Kellen: Ninth row, seats six and seven.

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