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And starring Michele Mangan as Helen

You know, even though everyone from Pittsfield to Bangor knew Wells was going to suck last night …


Forget Bangor, customer service reps in Bangalore knew Wells wasn't ready to start yet.


Absolutely, but although we were all prepared for it, the actually reality of just how badly he sucked is turning out to be tough to take.


The thing is any pitcher can have a bad night. I mean look at Wakefield's first staht, but the difference between the two is night and day.


Yeah, Wells is an asshat and doesn't give a shit about winning except in the abstract sense that it may mean more silvah in the pockets of a 60 inch waist pants.


I'm actually more pissed at the Front Office. I mean everyone knows Wells is a turd, but the FO not only signs him, but then signs him to a contract with an incentive clause based on stahts, then, worst of all, doesn't have the balls to tell Wells he can't start until he, you know, can get out of a triple-A game without shitting his pants.


Christ, if the management can't grow a set of balls, can't they at least just give Wells the money anyway? Pay him to start in AAA. Pay him to sit on the bench fercrissakes.


Seriously, if you're going to pay Lardo anyway, at least set yourself up so there is some chance of coming out with a win.


No duh. If there's some legal mumbo jumbo in the contract stipulating it must by a major league staht, send him out there to throw to just one batter in the first or something.


I've been giving Wells the benefit of the doubt until now, even finding his antics and diarrhea of the mouth kind of comical, but now he's dead to me.


You know what totally should have tipped us off? When Yankees fans keep saying things like "Oh, you'll really love Boomah in Boston" and "He's going to be there for you in Septembah and Octobah." What kind of reverse double sneaky mojo is that?


Yeah, it's like, "Hey, Trojans, we've got this big wooden horse to give you … No, no just ignore those doors and shit, hah hah, I mean, c'mon what do you think we've hidden some dudes in there to come out and slit your throats at night or something? Don't be silly. You'll love this horse come October."



Technically speaking, the Greeks (led by Odysseus) only had a small group of infiltrators in the horse, who popped out and opened the gate, but the point remains valid. Boomer was sucking evil goat dick tonight. The infield leather looked nice, though.

Random musings (with apologies to Ray Fitzgerald)……h.b. and I must have been channeling a similar dream last night, but in mine Wells shit the bed…..Wily Mo is better than Sam Horn, but not as good as Mike Greenwell. In each instance, it’s not a positive comparison…AGon and Loretta really have something going. I am now hoping for ground balls, not strikeouts, every time the opposing team is up, just to see what nifty shit they pull….Does anyone have a faster release than AGon?....Even with Wells yakking on himself last night, it still felt like the RS were in the game, until Seanez strolled in. I saw him last year in San Diego and he was lights out. Not the same guy…With all the money the BJ’s spent last winter, it still doesn’t look like much of a team to me. Orlando Hudson always killed us, somehow, but now he is gone…Why couldn’t the Reds have taken Wells, instead of BA? In any case, BA will be back…write it down...he belongs here.


Good point on the Trojan Horse, da kine. I've altered the line to remove "army."

It's good to know there are things you can depend on in life. Like the fact that Joe Morgan and his hetro life partner are the two most annoying broadcasters on television.

It looks as though my prediction for Wells' performance last night was woefully optimistic.
But what was worse was that, in the space of 3 batters Wells sucked the life out of Fenway.....even after the great road trip and passion play opening day...the place was silent...and THAT is not an easy thing to do.
Trying to be objective: As the 5th starter, barring long term injuries infront of him, Wells get 20-25 starts. Is an 11-8 from him worth the baggage, or do they think of DiNardo as the lefty, and cash this cow out?

Bangor?!? Hey buddy, I don't even KNOW her!!!

Is it wrong that I wish Fatso Wells would choke on his own vomit? I need a ruling on that one.

You perfectly captured how I feel about that Bambino-Wannabe, All-Things-MFY-Fellating fat piece of shit. Fat, bald, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, Wellsy.

The good and bad about Wells is that he's so easy to dismiss, but he's such a whore that I don't mind cheering if and when he has a good outing. With some guys, if you boo them once or twice you feel a little fair-weather if you cheer them later on. With Wells I don't mind calling him a piece of s&^t one day and throwing some attaboys the next. Here's hoping that there will be something to cheer about this year with Tub-o-Goo.

note to GG-sucked being the correct term

IkeG: As Sox fans were entitled to be capricious, so if The Load throws a 3 hitter next outing, I'll second you attaboys.

Michelle Mangan and Trojans......hmmmmmm

Yankee fan here who NEVER told you, you'd love Boom-ah. When he walked off the mound in game 6 against the Marlins he was, and still is, dead to ME.

Jeez, what a game to have for my first of the season. They were just teeing off on Wells; it was truly UGLY. I did get off some choice "cake" comments when Tito finally gave him the hook. By the way, about five rows back from me in the bleachers, a guy wearing a Blue Jays jersey actually got into a fight with a Sox fan and was thrown out. Has anybody ever seen a BLUE JAYS fan get into it at Fenway? The topper? When the cops were leading him away, he was screaming: "My lawyer's gonna hear ABOOT this." Hilarity ensued.

Wow and to think I thought it was just me. I was angry when they signed him. I was annoyed every time he pitched last year. I am ticked that he broke the good momentum the Sox have starting the season. His salary is already spent money. I'd like the Sox to release him, pay the extra incentives, and start someone else. Or, trade him to team that's willing to take him if the Sox pay his salary.

How many Yankee soldiers do you think are hiding inside the Trojan Jackass?

"My lawyer's gonna hear ABOOT this!" - classic bleachers humor.

So why does Tito have the balls to take the ball from Foulke until he is ready and refuses to sit that lard ass Wells until he is ready? Granted, those home runs he gave up just barely made it over the wall... ;-)

You're right, Morgan and his bald-headed boyfriend are constantly annoying. But the funny thing is that on the radio, away from Morgan, Miller is superb. He's got a good voice and a relaxed style, he's articulate and clear and precise, and there's absolutely none of the bullshit banter that goes on on the ESPN games. I think there's only one conclusion to be reached here: just being near Joe Morgan makes a person stupider.

My first game of the season as well. I was sitting two rows behind that jackass that ran onto the field in the late innings.

h.b. - love the trojan horse concept. Made me smile after that loss. Oh, and the defense. Absolutely amazing to see live. That through by Gonzalez in the first, I thought he was throwing it away, and instead I was in awe as it landed right in Yuke's glove.

GG, you would probably want to double up on the prophylactics if you were tapping MM.

But back to the topic, last year I went to 5/29 game in NY and can only hope that Wells will rebound like he did after the BJ's and A's lit him up on his previous starts on 5/24 and 5/18.

See game recaps if you care: http://boston.redsox.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/wrapup.jsp?ymd=20050524&content_id=1061378&vkey=wrapup2004&fext=.jsp&c_id=bos



sorry, I meant throw. I really need to proof-read before I hit submit.

Did I miss 4 months of losing, leaving us 15 games out of first place to the Yankees? Isn't this April?

Am I also dreaming about Wells kicking ass last year against the Yankees in the 3rd-last game of the season to keep our playoff hopes alive? Did I imagine the 3.07 ERA at home last season, which for a lefty in the AL East is about equivalent to a 2.4?

I'm pretty sure it's just April, so I've gotta disagree with the characters today. I thought they were the ones saying now that we have the championship, we don't need to run someone out of town after a single game?

Maybe I imagined that too. Good strip h.b., I just disagree.

Nice nod to Jason O., h.b. heh heh.

Wellsy was 15-7, 4.45 ERA last season. Only one other Sox starter won more games. He beat the Yanks twice. He was 0-1 in the postseason, but only gave up two earned runs in the 6 2/3 innings he pitched (1 start). The other runs were due to Gaffeanino's error. Boston was 19-11 in his 30 starts (including two complete games), and he was 9-2 after the All-Star break. And the bullpen blew three games where he left them with a lead. He averaged one walk per every 9 innings throughout the season. These stats probably had some factor in the FO holding on to him.

Oh how quickly we forget.

For comparison, Arroyo was 14-10 with a 4.51 ERA. Sox were 17-15 in his 32 starts. And remember his relief appearance against Chicago in the Division series? Two hits (one homer), two walks, two runs in the eighth? Ouch.

Don't worry, you're gonna love lard-ass in October!

The characters, of course, are being hyperbolic for the sake of humor. (This is the case 95% of the time. Being all "oh no biggie, we'll get them tomorrow" is kind of boring and rarely funny... Or at least it's beyond my skills as a writer to make such sentiments entertaining/humorous on a consistent basis.)

And, as they said, it's really the FO that has them pissed off more than Wells himself.

With all the stats gurus etc and Well's horrible performances last year when coming off injury without proper rehab, did they really expect anything but a loss last night?

Pretty much ever comment yesterday had Wells expecting to suck, and none of us are Bill James or Theo Epstein, so I'm guessing they must have known, too.

Yet they ran him out there. Why are they afraid of Wells? Will he sneak into Theo's apartment at night and actually eat the young GM if forced to got to Pawtucket until he's ready. (Wells sucked in his one rehab sting with the Pawsox last week, let's not forget.)

And the final bit of anger, isn't directed so much at Wells, as it at themselves for feeling like they've been duped by Yankees fans who are somehow (from the character's perspective) being disingenuous with their "You're going to love Wells" comments.

There's just a general sense, too, that we had a really good thing going, and it just sucks to have to interrupt it, even for just one day, for no good reason except to appease Wells.

Are the Boston Red Sox here to win ball games or to please David Wells ego?

It's a valid question I think.

Too funny, Billy!

What, no Lost talk today? The Bernard 'n' Rose flashback show was the highlight of my night after that shitfest baseball game.

Great points, h.b. And I should have been clear, my stat hat came out more for the other commenters here than in response to the strip. But yeah, it looks like Wells shouldn't have started yesterday, and everyone knew it.

I really enjoyed last night's episode of Lost.

And you're right, thank heavens it was there to help erase the game from my head before going to bed.

Think the Seanez hate is unjustified today, louclinton. Came in, gave up a sac fly, then held the fort the rest of the way. Very good outing considering he came in with no outs (right?) and men on the corners.

Wells...I wish to hell he'd not take two or so starts to warm up. My guess is, though, that he'll be just fine over the course of the season. Probably not great, but serviceable.

Did Fenway literally explode when Wily Mo walked? I unfortunately missed that. Was there anyone to pinch-hit for AGon in the 9th? If so, why didn't they?

Does anyone know Manny's longest homer drought to begin a season? If I want one thing (besides a win) out of tonight's game, it's a Manny homer.

NolaSox: GG, you would probably want to double up on the prophylactics if you were tapping MM.

I was thinking more HAZMAT suit.

Reverse Double Sneaky Mojo is my new favorite phrase.

h.b. -

I enjoyed it a lot too. I love it when they do flashback eps for characters who are often pushed to the side in favor of The Big Four (Jack, Kate, Locke, and Sawyer). Here's hoping we get a Vincent flashback ep sometime soon ;)

By the way, I found this site the other day and it's a great read. Thought you all might enjoy it if you hadn't already discovered it:


"Bangor?!? Hey buddy, I don't even KNOW her!!!"

heh- beat me to it AJM. That joke has been a Maine tradition for as long as I've been alive. Of course it sounds better in the local vernacular- "Bang-ah?"

"How many Yankee soldiers do you think are hiding inside the Trojan Jackass?"

Nothing would surprise me less than if you slit open Boomah's belly and a partially digested Billy Martin, an old Ruth jersey, and johnny damon's throwing arm spilled out.

And not only that, Devine, but Castiglione said Wily Mo's homer was on a change-up. Hmmm...Patience at the plate and the ability to hit the off-speed pitch? Me likee.

Here's hoping Wells is too much of a mercenary to suck the whole year. It's just too bad Tito ran the fat man out there. "Tito and the Fat Man": All the makings of a bad TV pilot.

Reverse Double Sneaky Mojo = Double Secret Probation a la Animal House? I wonder if Tito's Man-love for Fatso is part of the RDSM (Reverse Double Sneaky Mojo)...or perhaps Fatso has some pictures of Tito from the road? But seriously, Tito's do have to admire his loyalty/perseverance...it has paid off big time in the past; its just sometimes hard to experience in real-time.

Hey, if you guys wanna check out a little bonus for today run to this comicblog strip thing I made last night. Wells sucked so bad, I couldn't help but do this HB-esque derivative guest strip. Even if HB didn't post a link to it on the main page. Hehe. He said he liked the idea that spinoffs are being made though, so that means he liked it, right? RIGHT?!? LOL. Let's keep our fingers crossed for tonight's game to go better.

I'm leaving a plate of cookies and some milk out tonight in hopes that Wellsy will squeeze down the imaginary chimney in my apartment. When he hits the floor (screw seeing it, I'll hear it), I'll lock him in a cage and tell him he can't have the cookies or escape from the cage until he signs papers saying he'll go to the Oakland A's for Rich Harden or Barry Zito.

Funny bit about Bangalore HB but it's also true. I had to call the help desk this morning and the guy who answered the phone told me DiNardo should have gotten last night's start. I guess Tito thought it would be best to try Boomer out against Chacin, with his 9 jillion ERA in Fenway and all, but Wells was pitiful. I definitely agree that he should throw a couple more games in Pawtucket until -- as you said PHilyPat, his inside fast ball is, you know, FAST.

Yeah, pawsoxpop, both of those homers last night in the early going were fastballs in. It almost made me cry, seeing them leave Wells out there. By the way, HB, nice reference to the Colbert Report, whether it was intentional or not, with the "dead to me" thing. I love that show with all my heart. I agree with Mike partially, but at this point, it's only one start. He's just "on notice" with me. Hehe.

Philly - I've always had a (non-stat based) gut feeling that Zito would rock it in Boston and NV - the visual you created was hilarious.

I'm quite disappointed that Jason O hasn't weighed in here - maybe he feels baited?

Sorry to ruin the joke, but the local pronunciation of "Bangor" is, as best I can approximate it, BANN-GAWHR (spoken in a low gutteral tone). It's one of the few things I know about, since it took me 2 years away at an elite university to get rid of my accent.

lc, speech therapist.

You mus be from ah diffren paaht of Maine than I am, Lou, cause where I'm from it's prahnaunced "Banga".

And no, you can't get thayah from heyah.

And all it took was being mockedmy freshman year in college for me to lose (most) of mine. It definitely comes out on occasion though- mostly when drinking or pissed off.

Regarding Bangor pronunciation, FWIW I grew up hearing it pronounced as Lou suggested, but, I don't know if any of you remember back sometime in the 80s when for whatever reason David Lettermen decided to mention Bangor every night on his show for a week or so, he called up lots of people living in Bangor and, if memory serves me, they pronounced it the way NV suggested.

Yeah, actually, I was thinking specifically of Letterman when I posted the joke...I think he made Bangortheir 'home office' for awhile and Paul Schaeffer wrote a little ditty about the place.

He actually had started doing that gag a little bit earlier when he had Joe Cocker on the show....

"Here to do a song off of his latest album, Cocker..."

It's like Woonsocket, Rhode Island. People from all over the state pronounce it one-SOCK-it but people who are actually from there pronounce it wun-sock-ETTE. And Britney must not have understood when her nanny from Woonsocket said: "Throw the baby down the stairs his hat."

I spent the first 17 years of my miserable life in Bangor. Trust me on this one.


"Nothing would surprise me less than if you slit open Boomah's belly ...and johnny damon's throwing arm spilled out."

1)JohnNY Damon's throwing arm
2)Santa Claus
3)Easter Bunny

I think we all know what these 3 things have in common...

Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny manage to get stuff to home without a cutoff man.

You pronounce it Lob-sterrr too, Lou?

Just kidding- I actually didn't realize that there was variance in accents within Maine. (unless you're from one of those bass-akwards townships in Aroostook county- is it french? Is it Mainah? Is it understood by anyone outside of that area?)

Like the saying goes- "You say tomato..."

In Kennebunkport some of the folks have got a southern drawl.

Woonsocket, where they park their cars side by each. Wow. Normally, I would be watching the game, its not covered tonight, too many nhl games, that's just not right. And espn and tbs both have the phillie's game, how stupid is that?

Can we get this bum off the team? Is there literally anything positive to say about Matt Clement now? I mean, about his skills, because he seems like a nice guy, he's just terrible at his job.

What a shame, but not unexpected. C'mon sox, better recover against the surging Mariners.

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