Another year, another shortstop

Doug:
Jesus H. Muhammed I'm liking this 1 year 3 mil deal for A-Gon.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, it's sweet seeing the new team philosophy in action. They capped the money and the length of the contract and said there's your deal, take it or leave it.

 

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Doug:
Gonzalez is actually taking a pay cut, too.

 

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Mike:
As the brainiac Eric Van puts it: "We're paying below-market-value $2.5 million per win for his bat, and nothing for his plus glove. If he plays +10 defense, he costs $1.4 mill per win, which is great value."

 

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Doug:
Yeah, but why do I know the talk radio lines will be clogged today with a contingent Sox fans pissing and moaning about spending the $3 million?

 

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Mike:
Yep, these are the same people who waste a quartah tank of gas driving across town to save 3 cents a gallon when they fill up.

 

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Doug:
Memo to the penny pinchahs: If you so badly want to root for a small mahket team, then pack up your raggedy ass belongings and head on ovah to Kansas City already.

 

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Looking forward to June, shirt unbuttoned all lawn and sky

Bill:
It's amazing just how quickly perceptions can flip …

 

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Bill:
I mean a couple of weeks ago the conventional wisdom was we lost Damon as a result of a front office in disarray and that the Yankees swooped in and took advantage of the Theo-less co-GM'ed Red Sox …

 

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Mike:
But now we learn that not only did Theo nevah fully leave, but that the Red Sox have been pursuing Coco Crisp since last Septembah.

 

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Bill:
And poor Johnny Damon is reduced to staring out his Manhattan window trying to rebuild his self esteem via intellectualizing — New York is the centah of the world. I'm in New York. Therefore, I am the centah of the world! It's still all about me, Johnny! Hey, Michelle, do these pants make my butt look big?

 

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Mike:
You know if he'd lay off with all the "I showed the Red Sox how to stop being afraid of failing" chest beating I might actually have some empathy for what must be a huge ego blow.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, I don't envy his situation. His formah club has snubbed him. He needs to prove to a hostile fan base that he's worth 13 mil a year. He's not getting any youngah.

 

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Mike:
But despite all that why is it I have the sinking feeling that Damon's first in Pinstripe appearance against the Red Sox he'll go 4-for-4 with a stolen base and a walkoff homah?

 

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Bill:
Oh, I'm mentally preparing myself for Damon to kill us all season long, but if that happens we need to remembah the biggah pictchah beyond just this season.

 

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Mike:
Absolutely. As Gammons says, "Allowing Damon to walk and patiently working to get Crisp is what the struggle for the soul of the Red Sox was all about."

 

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Bill:
I haven't felt this optimistic in a long time.

 

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Mike:
I know. The future's so bright I feel like a redneck with his first meth lab.

 

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Simmons Love Fest

Steve:
Jeez, did you see who Coco Crisp most compares to as a batter at age 25? Dom DiMaggio! Is that cool or what?

 

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Mike:
I know, it's a bummah that deal is looking less and less likely by the hour.

 

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Steve:
Yeah, thankfully there's this most excellent Bill Simmons email interview with Curt Schilling to brighten the day.

 

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Mike:
Awesomtastic. Schill's thoughts on Damon going to NY, the CHB, "Manny being Manny."

 

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Steve:
Yeah, Bill Simmons asks the same kinds of questions any of us would have asked.

 

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Mike:
Man, I have to confess I'm like so jealous of Simmons … He's a bettah writah than me, moah clevah than me, has a bettah job than me … Christ he even makes bettah pop cultchah references than me.

 

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Steve:
Dude, could be worse. At least he's one of us. Can you imagine if he were a Yankees fan?

 

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Mike:
In the words of mastah's himself, "I just puked in my own mouth."

 

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There are days like this

Hart Brachen, the blog's author:
Sorry, readers, I got off to a late start this morning, and with nothing much going on (well, I know we fans are supposed to follow the script drafted by the Boston sports pundits of being incensed over the fact that the front office isn't 100% forthcoming with every detail concerning L'affaire Epstein, but, I just can't get too excited about it) I'm going to sit today out.

 

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Hart Brachen, the blog's author:
Oh, and even last night's episode of Lost didn't offer much for the characters to riff on. So see you tomorrow.

 

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Idolators, watch your backs

Doug:
Well, time to staht the centahfieldah hunt all ovah.

 

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Mike:
So Mota was given a clean bill of health by the Red Sox docs, but failed his physical for Cleveland. How's that work?

 

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Doug:
I just hope that "dead" with respect to this deal doesn't translate as Marte and Delcarmen or any othah prospects for Crisp.

 

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Mike:
If that happens, dude, I'm am so donning my Judgement Day jacket. Gots to represent, yo.

 

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Doug:
Kanye H. West right you do.

 

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The Case of the Purloined Presser

Bill:
I'm so glad our Curly Haired Boyfriend is hot on the case of "the missing press conference."

 

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Doug:
Yeah, the Shank must have seen Good Night, and Good Luck and now he's got a woody to be the heroic journalist fighting the powah and bringing the truth to the people.

 

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Bill:
Right, because, you know, the biggest issue for Red Sox fans right now is getting to the backstory behind the Theo press conference that was then wasn't.

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me? Since this story broke, it's all I can think about. I mean what duplicitous machination is at work ovah there at Yawkey Way? Why this sinistah "dramatic depahtchah from the ownahship's media-friendly style"? Only our Shanktastic hero has the journalistic integrity to get to the bottom of this scandal.

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. I mean the jejune sportswriter might mistakenly think Red Sox fans would want to read a piece about, I dunno, our new shortstop Alex Gonzalez.

 

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Doug:
Sure, someone with less savvy than Dan the Man might try to present evidence to back up ESPN's claim that A-Gon's "defense has been Gold Glove quality for the past few years" or how "He has a cannon arm and has thrown runners out from his knees from deep in the hole …"

 

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Bill:
But, hey, you don't get to make self-proclamations about being "at the top of your profession" by writing about the game on the field. Oh, no, not when there's shit going down like cancelled pressahs.

 

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Doug:
Oooh, I smell a Pulitzer.

 

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Dealing with doubt

Steve:
Marte for Crisp? Welcome back Theo! W00T!

 

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Mike:
Hey, c'mon now, what happened to "In Theo We Trust"?

 

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Steve:
What happened? Ah, let's see. Our trusty GM leaves Fenway in a gorilla suit, then holds a presser saying he can't be the Red Sox GM because he's not into it anymore and needs to find himself, meanwhile, as it turns out, he didn't really ever leave just kinda sorta did, and there was no power struggle with LL, wink, wink, and, oh by the way, we don't even know what Theo's official role with club is currently.

 

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Steve:
All this and now he wants to trade the team's best prospect since Nomar for, gulp, Coco Crisp?

 

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Mike:
Well, lots of prospects remain just that. Whereas Crisp is a known quantity and brings the club a solid centah fieldah and decent bat.

 

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Steve:
I think even with that feint praise Crisp is getting overrated. Meanwhile, Marte, while still an unknown, was a nice bit of third base insurance in case Lowell sucks and who doesn't really think deep down that Lowell is going to suck? So now midseason we have to trade what, Lester, Papelbond to replace Lowell?

 

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Mike:
I dunno, I'm sticking with Eric Van's philosophy: Nobody panning this trade knows as much about baseball and the Red Sox needs as the guys in the front office making the trade.

 

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Steve:
Oh, right, yes, the "experts." Kind of like how all the experts said that little girl Haleigh would never breathe on her own again until, you know, she did.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, well, I'm sticking with swallowing the bittah pill of Marte for Crisp, but, Christ, there's rumahs Shapiro wants Manny Delcarmen, too.

 

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Steve:
See that's what I'm talking about. Shapiro is playing Theo like a violin.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, and now many pennants does Shapiro have again?

 

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Steve:
OK, pre-gorilla suit, I'd put Theo over ever GM in the biz. Post-gorilla suit, er, not so much.

 

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Now where were we?

Bill:
Zeus has sent thundah out of a cleah blue sky — Odysseus has returned!

 

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Mike:
The birds are in their trees, the toast is in the toaster, the poets are at their windows …

 

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Bill:
And though there are still questions and the usual, tiahd old recriminations, for today at least I just want to feel the bliss.

 

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Mike:
Guess this means I need to cease the ritualistic morning micturition of my little Larry Lucchino voodoo doll … And I was so enjoying that.

 

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Bill:
Probably should keep the doll handy, though, just in case.

 

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Mike:
Interesting: John Henry says there will be no details announced until next week. Meanwhile the Nationals announce their new ownership group next week. Any chance Mr. Lucchino goes to Washington?

 

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Bill:
Right now I don't care if Lucky goes or stays, I'm just glad this sad saga is ovah.

 

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Post Number 500 (for lack of a more imaginative title)

Bill:
Finally, aftah a seemingly endless line of playahs bitching and moaning about how horrific it is to play in Boston, Bronson Arroyo steps up and shows a little love.

 

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Tara:
The kid's not only got nuts the size of Saturn, but the heart of Paul Revere. You go, Bronson.

 

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Now this is the point in the strip where the savvy writer would smoothly transition the reader from a Red Sox discussion into our now regular Thursday "Lost" discussion, but I've got nil in the savvy department just now, thus, dear readers, you're S.O.L. today as far as transitions go, so in media res it is …

Bill:
OK. Let me get this straight, guy formerly known as Groton's fishing man now known as Zeke. If someone comes over to your and house and takes off their shoes and puts their feet up on the table, it gives you the right to steal their children? Come again, dude?

 

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Tara:
Yeah, and if you want people to get off "your" island, maybe when they try to do just that you shouldn't, you know, blow up their raft?

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, Zeke and the "light 'em up" gang inhabit the mountainous center of the island fahthest from the ocean, yet also have speedy access to the Gorton's fishing boat? How's that work?

 

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Tara:
Yeah, there's always a couple of head scratchers in any Lost episode, but last night was especially egregious. I mean they set up all this back story about Kate being tough as nails, killing her own dad, repeatedly kicking the crap out of a federal marshall, robbing banks, et cetera, yet Zeke puts a bag over her had and gun to her neck and she's all whimpering like a A-Rod after having a Varitek up in his face flashback?

 

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Bill:
No kidding. I might have bought that had aftahwahds she started talking about how she was tortured or something but, nope, instead Kate's all "howya doin' feelin' fine" like nothing happened.

 

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Tara:
Well, I'm just glad somebody, though I never expected it to be Jack, has finally decided to get their collective asses together and try something proactive for a change.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, I'm so looking for to this coming war between the Lostaways and "Them."

 

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Tara:
  I'm ready for the Lostaways to start kicking some barefoot, kid stealing bootay. Mr. Eko, Jin, Ana Lucia, Sayid … talk about a "murderer's row."

 

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A Real Yanqui Doodle Dandy

Bill:
Ah, Christ, now I can die in patriotic bliss: A-Rod is going to represent the USA in the World Baseball Classic.

 

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Doug:
[sings] "O beautiful for bluey lips/ For ambah waves of grain …"

 

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Bill:
Just one thing, Alex, when you're representing Team USA could ya, you know, go easy with that pussy ball slap shit you're infamous for? I'm just sayin' …

 

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Doug:
Yeah, guys like Hugo Chavez and Castro give us enough crap already without any help from your "killa moves," dude.

 

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Bill:
You've got to figure, though, that a meaningless hype-fest like the WBC is just the kind of stage that will bring out A-Fraud's best game. I mean this "tournament" is the polah opposite of an ALCS in Octobah.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. And remembah, Alex, our great nation turns it's lonely eyes to you, so don't be afraid to, you know, give it the ol' 110%, risk of injury be damned!

 

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Bill:
Alex, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.

 

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