The preemptive breakup

Mike:
Well, now that Frank Deford has weighed in on the Damon saga we can all relax; the burning bush has spoken.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. As a reader, there's nothing I enjoy more than being talked down to and treated like an imbecile by nationally syndicated columnists, be it regahding sports or why nobody wants to play candy shop with smaht women.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, I'm so glad Frank Deford lays a schoolin' on us about baseball history … Only thing is Babe Ruth didn't leave the Red Sox of his own volition to chase the biggah bucks. No, he was sold, totally out of his control, but, you know, why let something as trivial as facts get in your way when you're trying to make a biggah point for your column.

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, if a schmuck bloggah wrote that he or she would be immediately corrected by a half dozen readahs within minutes of posting. But, you know, blogs have no ovahsight or anything, unlike the pros with their layahs of fact checking and editahs and shit.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, like in Wilbuh's Globe blog when he refers to his turnaround regarding thinking the Blue Jays are the team to beat in the AL East and writes, " I’d like to say a gun-toting Canadian put me up to it, but we all know those don’t exist."…

 

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Mike:
You know considahring a 15 year old kid was shot dead in Toronto the othah day in a gunfight in the middle of downtown, that might be considahed, er, a bit insensitive — But, you know, it's the Globe and not some web fanboy with a blog, so it's all okey dokey.

 

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Doug:
Yep, as long as the MSM is on the job, we can rest assured that everything is above board, you know? … So Manny and Clement for Tejada?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, I think it's gonna happen. The more the Orioles front office insists there is "no deal they find acceptable," the more I'm convinced it will happen.

 

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Doug:
I've finally reached the emotional spot where I actually hope it happens.

 

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Mike:
I thought you said Manny was your favorite playah and you'd go on a hungah strike if he were evah traded?

 

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Doug:
I did, but I can no longah take the daily psychological stress of wondahring whethah he'll stay or go. It's killing me. It's like when I was dating that hot chick from the Cayman Islands, remembah her?

 

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Mike:
Leila? Ohmigod that chick was wicked supah fine!

 

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Doug:
Yeah, an 11 on a scale of 10, but that's just it … whenevah we'd be out and I'd go to the bathroom or something I'd come back and find her surrounded by 5 dudes all chatting her up and she'd be totally lovin' the attention.

 

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Doug:
I knew it wasn't a question of if she'd cuckold me, but when. I couldn't take the fucking presshah of it all, so I had to choice but to trade her for lessah prospects. And that's where I'm at with Manny. I adore the guy. He's the 2nd greatest hittah evah to don the red stockings, but I can't take it anymoah.

 

Happy New Year everyone. Next strip: Tuesday, January 3, 2006. - H.B.

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A little more 'Braveheart' and a little less 'Princess Bride,' please

Doug:
OK, I'm now officially bored with the Strang und Durm following the loss of Johnny Damon … I mean, c'mon people, suck it up, it's getting embarrassing.

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. I mean this is the same fan base that weathahed such catastrophes as the loss of Cahlton Fisk, the loss of Wade Boggs, the loss of Rogah Clemens yet it's the loss of Johnny Damon, Johnny Fucking Damon that has some of us running fah covah and speaking of the Apocalypse?

 

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Doug:
Seriously, at this rate I half expect this summah to find a bunch of Red Sox fans shivahring on a beach in Maine complaining the water's too cold to swim in. "Oooh. It's cold. My nuts will shrink. Boo hoo." Fercrissakes, people, are we not New Englandahs? Do we not thrive undah adverse conditions?

 

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Bill:
Whatevah the fuck happened to the "Wait until next yeah" spirit? This is the same Red Sox Nation that went head held high for 86 seasons of "not good enough"? These are the same fans who rathah than being conquered aftah the 7th game of the 2003 ALCS entahed the 2004 season with an unshakable optimism?

 

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Doug:
Now it's all "We don't have a centahfieldah. We don't have a shohtstop. It's only Decembah but it's so ovah. Fuck it. Bring on that good night because I'm frail and gentle and shit."

 

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Bill:
Who knew that finally winning a World Series would turn us so soft.

 

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O tidings of comfort and joy

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls … Merry Christmas!

Rider on Green Line:
Let nothing you dismay …

 

Next update: Weds., Dec 28

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Give me my long sword, ho!

Mike:
"Parting is such sweet sorrow"? Hmmm … You can tell Shakespeare didn't live in the era of free agency when he wrote that.

 

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Susan:
I don't know, it's not like the Bahd envisioned 15th Century Verona as a walk in the pahk eithah … I mean we just lost a centahfieldah to our sworn rivals is all, you know, no swordplay, no poison, no suicides (well, not yet at least), no deflowering of our only daughter and bearah of the family line …

 

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Mike:
Yeah, but at least Juliet was emotionally tormented before she leaped to the othah side. Something tells me Johnny Damon didn't stand on his balcony speaking to the moon and wondahring what's in a name.

 

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Susan:
Yeah, who knew in Johnny O nature didst bower the spirit of a fiend?

 

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Mike:
You think we'll evah grow weary of this blood feud with the Yankees?

 

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Susan:
You mean like we'll see what a scourge is laid upon our hate? Not a friggin' chance.

 

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Mike:
A plague o'both our houses? Oh yeah, double that again.

 

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Susan:
Talk of peace? I hate the word, as I hate hell, all Yankees, and, now, Johnny.

 

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Eating your own garbage

Deep in the bowels of Gotham, our old nemesis Marty and another of his ilk are waxing rhapsodic …

Marty:
Are you lovin' this or what?

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
What can I say? Johnny Damon as player? Eh, he'll do. But Johnny Damon as the former face of [cough] Red Sox Nation turning his back on the molasses mob to become one of a long line of Pinstripes and the Greatest Franchise in the History of All Sport? Fucking beautiful.

 

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Marty:
M.P.D., baby! Maximum Psychological Destruction. As we know. Goal number one is to assemble the greatest Yankees team possible. Goal number two is to inflict as much emotional scarring and trauma on Red Sox fans as possible along the way.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
Doing fine on both counts as of right now. With Damon leading off, our roster is a juggernaut. And if you listen really hard, you can hear the cries of anguish coming down from 95 North … As their suicide bitch poet laureate would say, "Roped in at the end by the one Death with its many sticks."

 

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Marty:
Yes! And like a puppy dog rolled over and pissing with excitement at the approach of his master, our sympathizers in the Beanfart media are playing their role with aplomb, stirring, stirring the pot of discontent.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
They say, "Oh, in two years you'll be in the same situation as with Bernie — overpaying for a aging center fielder." I say, so the fuck what? We'll buy another one.

 

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Marty:
I love it when the Yankees overpay. It's a giant fuck you to the Red Sox. Four years and 52 million? I get wood when I hear it.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
Yeah, I just wish our beloved owner, a king among kings, would hire that shit for brains "lets replace Pedro with Wade Miller" local hero boy Theo Epstein as a consultant for the Yanks and snuff out their pathetic little dreams of his return. Waa waah wah.

 

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Marty:
Yeah, what's the milquetoast little mantra from Yawkey Gay Way, "We can't outspend the Yankees, so we have to spend 'smahtah.'" Well, if this is their "smahtah," heaven help the poor putzes in their "Yankees Suck" shirts.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP, BoSox bitches!!!

 

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They will never forget you ('til somebody new comes along)

Doug:
So Johnny Judas Damon just couldn't lay off the Turkish Delights and had to jump to othah side? The Front Office really tanked anothah one.

 

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Bill:
Well, I think the doctah finally got my dosage right, as I'm not feeling badly at all ovah this.

 

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Doug:
You must be fucking high or something … The Yankees now have the most potent lineup in MLB and, at this point, who the fuck is going to play centah?

 

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Bill:
Look, wasn't the lesson learned from last yeah one of you can't go deep into the playoffs just on offense? So the Yankers got a great leadoff man, but have they improved their pitching at all so fah? I don't think so.

 

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Doug:
But seeing JD all towing the fascist line, clean shaven, crew cut … Christ, my mind can't handle it. My man love for Johnny has had its mouth stuffed with a dishrag and lies murdahed in a dirty bathtub.

 

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Bill:
Ah, yes, sucks that he's going to the Yankees, of course, but, on the othah hand, it just makes the rivalry all the more fun. Besides, my gut says the NY fans nevah wahm to Damon's antics and they'll come to rue this signing … maybe not in 2006, but by 2007? 2008? Oh, yes, most def.

 

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Doug:
Man, can I have the name of your doctah? I need that shit you're on.

 

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Bill:
Look, grasshoppah, when A-Rod went to the Yankees they were going to be invincible, right? Didn't happen. When Randy Johnson went to the Yankees they were for certain going to be unstoppable, right? Well, not so much, that. So Johnny Damon going to the Yankees is going to be the final piece that takes them to the promised land? Whatev. I'll take the money saved and the pitching improvements we made.

 

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Great money. Flexible hours.

Mike:
Well, you can tell it's the slowest paht of baseball season when someone stahts the inevitable "state of the baseball blogahspheah" posts …

 

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Doug:
Christ, spare me the passive aggressive melodrama.

 

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Mike:
Two words that should nevah be used in the same sentence: bloggah and revenue model.

 

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Doug:
Bloggahs discussing making money from blogging is like watching a piss pahty at a midget fahm.

 

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Mike:
If you want to make a living on the web and your only skill is pomposity then you have two choices: porn or porn.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. Even the lowly tug job video will make more sweet moolah in a day than all the baseball blogs in the world combined make in a month.

 

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Mike:
And talk about your low barrier for entry, for a standard first person crank yank all you need is a camcorder and a dextrous slut (wearing glasses and prone to giggling, preferably).

 

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Doug:
And if somebody says, "Well, isn't that shallow, empty, and degrading?" I say, "Exactly. Just like blogging 'cept you get paid to do it!"

 

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Bright Sides

Mike:
Well, not a bad weekend at all considering it's Decembah …

 

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Bill:
Yeah, the Pats finally look like the defending champs in pimp slapping Chuckie and his Bucs and Payton Manning and the Colts got knocked ass ovah tea kettle by the Chahgahs. What's not to like?

 

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Mike:
And we learn we won't have to face the contretemps of seeing Nomah in pinstripes.

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. While I nevah felt Nomah swinging on the first pitch and popping up to the shallow infield would have made the Yankees a bettah team, still it would have been a real gut check having to watch Nomah slapping Jetah's ass and shit.

 

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Mike:
Was it really just two years ago that Nomah turned his hooked nose up at the Red Sox 60 mil offah?

 

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Bill:
Unbelievable isn't it?  Guy goes from thinking he's God's gift to baseball to being shopped around like Aunt Millie's holiday fruit cake in the span of two seasons.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, and Mia Hamm still ain't preggahs. Whithah Nomah?

 

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Bill:
Could be worse, though, I mean there's Sidney Ponson aftah all. Talk about a fall from grace.

 

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Some more than others

Whenever a player from "The Team" leaves, one feels a distinct melancholy and nostalgia, but with certain players, the feelings are more intense …

Voice from car radio:
After three years with the Red Sox, third baseman Bill Mueller signed $9.5 million, two-year deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers …

 

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Doug thinking to himself:
Jeez, not only was Mueller a great hittah and third baseman and a critical paht of the Championship Team, but off hand I can't think of anothah playah who spent three seasons in Boston and nevah once made an asanine, controversial, or stupid comment to the media.

 

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Doug thinking to himself:
I'm going to miss you much, Bill Mueller … Thanks and good luck …

 

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La Perfidia

Bill:
Christ with the biggest news being Terry Francona reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas at the Pops, I'm reduced to bitching about the WBC bullshit … now they've gone and excluded Cuba.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, one of the few countries that can field a legitimate team of its own citizens and not rely on US playahs pretending to be foreign isn't allowed in "the Classic." Yeah, that makes total sense.

 

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Bill:
And these days, Cuba is really the only country in the world that can legitimately call baseball its National Pastime. Our government's Castro obsession bordahs on the psychotic.

 

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Mike:
I mean, yeah, I get the pahty line: Cuba is a communist country with some serious human rights issues. But, hello, China can play?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, the same China that just the other day killed between 10 and 20 fishahmen for having the audacity to protest Chinese government policy. Woo hoo, let's play two!

 

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Mike:
And it's not like Hugo Chavez in Venezuela is a postah boy for democracy, but Venezuela's in.

 

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Bill:
It's really a shame Singapore couldn't field a team and get to play a couple games at home because, you know, what's a little caning among friends?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, you're eithah with us or against us, except, er, when you're against us but you're still with us because we're eithah scared to piss you off or you've got something we need to maintain our standard of living or both.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, all Castro has going for him are cigahs, beaches, hot babes, and some of the world's greatest musicians. And none of that crap puts gas in the Hummah, so you're totally shit out of luck, Comrade.

 

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