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Like nobody's business

Doug:
I don't know about you, but I feel a whole fuck of a lot bettah now aftah Theo and Henry's pressah.

 

Mike:
Yep. No stones unturned except, of course, for that giant bouldah sitting on Yawkey Way … "Nothing to see heah, people, move along now …"

 

Doug:
Yeah, Theo gave the Red Sox the classic guy breaking up with a chick line, "It's not you; it's me. I just want you to be happy."

 

Mike:
Hey, Larry, Theo's just not that into you.

 

Doug:
Yeah, come June Larry's going to be staring at the phone hoping Theo calls. "I've changed, Theo. I really have. It'll be different this time."

 

Mike:
C'mon now. You know everything's going to be fine. John Henry and the gang are successful businessmen after all.

 

Doug:
Christ, you're right. Successful business guys have all the fucking ansahs!

 

Mike:
Absolutely. So how's that Enron stock working out for you anyway?

 

Doug:
I've got your 401K right heah, bitches. Let's Go Capitalists — CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP!!!!

 

Comments

Since Monday night I feel myself caring more about the Soxaholix than the Sox. Can't escape the conclusion that we've all been conned. Theo's exit surely explains a lot of the issues the players have been hinting at. Lucchino gave us a better ballpark, but his personnel skills are nil and it's killing what WE care about most - the team.

www.lucchino-sucks.com

C'mon everybody. We just can't go living in the past! What we need is a brand new shiny thing to makes us all happy and hopeful for next season.

I got it! How about we change the freakin' uniforms! Maybe something in day-glo orange with a big smiley face on the cap!

Yeah. That'll do it.

After Lucky took over the site yesterday, I was afraid H.B. had been taken to a gulag in the middle of the night. Glad to have you back (and not quite as suicidal).

I'll second that, Bob. After Lucchino's mug appeared on the front page, and what with the comments from the day before, I was afraid we fans lost *two* of the best things to happen to RSN in the past few years.

Larry Lucchino is our Dear Leader. He must not be questioned. He will lead us to unending victory. He is handsome and of a superior intellect. The sun shines out of his behind. Behold.

Be afraid-be very afraid.

Good God! HB has been brainwashed! Don't worry, buddy- we've got elephant-sized doses of Lithium headed your way.
BTW-"the sun shines out of his behind"- absolutely priceless.


Welly well well... what exactly is the next step for our beloved franchise?

Sign Damon to a six year $72 mil contract?
Cannonize Manny?
Bring Rogah back? (sorry I brought that one up- perish the thought)
Sign Gammo as the GM?

You KNOW it's gonna be something big, if only to soothe the frayed nerve endings of 99% of the fan base. Any ideas?


"I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves."

-Dan Shaughnessy

Ten years ago, in the winter of 1995, our mofo Yankees front-office was similarly fluxed up.

The wildcard Yanks had just been defeated by the Mariners in the first round of the playoffs. Steinbastard responded to that by replacing our beloved VP/GM Gene Michael AND manager Buck Showalter -- the two baseball brains most responsible for rebuilding the team into contenders (mostly while Steinbastard served out his suspension.)

You know what the Yanks did the following season in 1996? Started a dynasty.

No question, these are desperate times for the BoSox, and as the old proverb goes, "desperate times call for desperate measures." Or as Yogi might say "desperate strokes for desperate folks."

I predict a pre-Christmas spending spree like the baseball fans of Boston have never seen before. What's left of the Red Sox management will feel compelled to do anything at any price to mend Beantown's broken hearts. Especially if it means stealing items off the Yankees' wintah wish list.

B.J. Ryan? They'll offer him a lifetime supply of B.J.'s to become Boston's closah, and more money than the Yanks might want to pay an opening act for Mo.

Torri Huntah? The Sox will trade every top prospect and wallpaper Pesky's Pole with million dollar checks to ship him to Fenway (and Manny the man-child to any baseball town not named New York).

Matsui (yes, OUR Matsui!)? Hell, they'll re-name the Big Green Monstah "The Great Wall of Godzilla" to get Hideki in their lineup. And believe me, Lucchino's greasy tentacles are already reaching out to tickle Mr. Matsui at this moment. (close the Matsui deal a.s.a.p., Mr. Cashman!)

Yeah, but you don't mention pitching, and there's not much for sale. You go through the post-season with pitching, not hitting. Schilling, Pedro, Wake, Derek, Foulke, Timlin -- with the exception of Pedro, who was merely the best he'd been in a few years, for a few weeks in 2004 the pitchers all pitched the best games of their lives.

HB -- you wrote &emdash; instead of ampersand m dash semi-colon.

By the way, the Yanks also lost *team captain* Don Mattingly in the winter of 1995. He was only 34 years old, still one of the best first basemen in the game (despite being hobbled by his aching back), and a .288 hitter (lifetime .307).

Basically, it would be like the Red Sox losing Theo, Francona, and Varitek this winter.

Things could definitley be worse in Red Sox Nation.

I caught the Celtics-Knicks game on MSG last night. The pregame commentary was all how great the Knicks were going to be with the hometown genius Larry Brown coaching them. There was a poll of NBA GMs in which the vast majority said he was the best coach in the league right now. The announcers even had a pregame coach from Red Auerbach saying Larry Brown is the best coach in the NBA today. So what happened? The Celtics came one missed free throw from winning in regulation and then trounced the Knicks in overtime.

Don't like the NBA? Think of how doomed the Patriots were when Bill Parcells skipped town. Yeah, they did have a couple of lousy years in the interim but it didn't take them 86 years to figure out how to get the the Super Bowl again did it?

At some point the mourning period must end and we must get real. Theo was a great GM but there are other guys out there who can do a good job too. The Sox have the resources to put together a good team next year. Let's see what happens before we lock ourselves in the garage with the engine running and a hose stuck in the exhaust pipe to our mouths.

By the way, the Yanks also lost their wildman pitching ace, Jack McDowell to free agency in the winter of 1995 - after he led the team in ERA 3.93, wins 15, innings 217, strikeouts 157, complete games 8.

Basically, that would be like the Red Sox losing Theo, Francona, Varitek, and Arroyo this winter.

Sorry to piss on your self-pity party again, but the 1995 Yanks were in much worse shape than the hibernating Red Sox of 2005.

I'm not sure exactly when this site/strip got branded as being the "optimistic" or "rah rah" spot to be. It's not. So, fair warning, don't come here expecting a pep talk from the characters.

From day one, these guys have been a cynical, sarcastic, irreverant, nasty lot. And if you don't want to take my word for it (I only write the thing after all so what the fuck do I know?), just poke around the archives from 2004.

I was talking more about the comments than the characters, HB. I thought the strip was pretty funny today. Enjoyed the bit on Enron and cheering for Ken Lay and other captains of industry...

I don't think anybody expects or wants this to be a rah-rah site. It wouldn't be nearly as entertaining if it was. It was the deluge of comments from people immediately assuming the team was Doomed Forever because of one stupid front office move that rankled.

I'm not an optimist by nature, and I fully expect the team to take a step back (and probably suck) next year. It's the necessary growing pains of going to a youth movement, which they obviously need to do. They may have as many as five new postion players and six or seven new pitchers next year, and many of them will be kids. All I'm saying is it's not the end of the world, and seeing as how nobody else in the AL East looks to be anywhere near World Series contention next year, this is the perfect time to rebuild.

Thanks for the clarification.

I've been edgy lately. (Too much Halloween candy.)

As a Yankee-loving narcissist I enjoy the Soxaholix more when they're directing their bitterness and cynicism where (I think) it truly belongs, on my mofo Yanks, not on the Sox or Il Lucche.

However, I also enjoy the pessimistic/masochistic fortitude on display here.

If it makes you feel better(as in worse) you're right, the sky has fallen on Red Sox Nation. Another baseball Ice Age has commenced. Not even the sunshine from Lucchismo's butt will brighten your team's future.

It'd be interesting to see a Soxaholix strip in which the characters discover The Soxaholix website...

It'd be interesting to see a Soxaholix strip in which the characters discover The Soxaholix website...

They've actually done some subtle self-references in a couple of strips. Can't remember off hand which they were though.

I get irony, but LuciousLarry "handsome"?

It's been a rough week, don't make it worse.

Hey, he's better looking than the dictator Kim Jong Il.

They both claim they had 16 holes-in-one the first time they played golf, too.

From day one, these guys have been a cynical, sarcastic, irreverant, nasty lot.

Yeah, and the characters in the strip can be a tough crowd, too.

From day one, these guys have been a cynical, sarcastic, irreverant, nasty lot.

Yeah, and maybe one or more of them could apply for the GM job. That would be a hilarious story line. Even better than George Castanza working for $teinbrenner.

Actually, LL is the bastard son of Kim Jung Il, Menta Lee Il.

Actually, LL is the bastard son of Kim Jung Il, Menta Lee Il.

Stupidity knows no bounds- the Red Sox, sadly, prove the aphorism nearly every season.

Why did '04 happen? Much like George Costanza, they did the opposite!

That's never going to happen again. Aging men fear the opposite as much as prostate cancer (which, almost all men will get some day).


So- Fluke? Looks like it. Unless, they hire George and let Larry David pretend to be the GM (great stuff).

Boston once had a Tea Party- no booze, just tea! Come on, people, think opposite!

Kim Jong-Il- oops 'The Dear Leader' proves when you can get aanything you want, you're a boring, ugly man with no talents and you only get laid because all the women in the Northern Kingdom (no, not Vermont) are brain washed.


He can have anything he wants- nuclear weapons, liopsuction, better hair, felllatio all day, be a film maker (his are so twisted they should win the Palme de Or), a whole nation of worshippers plus a million plus army but-- he feels the need to LIE about his proficency at golf? Ph- and he can't seem to keep his worshippers from starving to death.

The world is your oyster only if you, your self, manage to shuck it. Otherwise, you are- even though you can destroy the planet (Godzilla boy!)- a loser.

Yikes man...the background is so distracting on this site, lol. its awesome, don't get me wrong, but the comments/comic on the left and giant background image on the right thing makes it hard to focus.

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