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Bluffing Nuts

Susan:
Jeez, I was reading Baseball Musings this morning and I had to double-check that the blog's name hadn't been changed to "A-Rod Schmoozings ".

 

Mike:
Totally. When the generally stoic Pinto goes all "Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch" ovah Slappy, it, er, creeps me out more than a little bit.

 

Susan:
So how do you think A-Rod is going to spend his million dollah bonus for winning the MVP?

 

Mike:
Oh, you know, a little Texas Hold 'em, maybe some 5 Card Stud being that he's a self-proclaimed "5 Tool" playah and all …

 

Susan:
You think the A-Fraud plays pokah the way he plays baseball? You know awesome with the early hands but when the pot gets big he totally folds?

 

Mike:
Absolutely. Bet he's not above cheating a bit, too. What's the pokah equivalent to the sissy ball slap, anyway?

 

Susan:
Maybe he uses his rings to distract the other playahs … Oh, wait I second, I forgot, A-Fraud doesn't have any bling bling.

 

Mike:
Anyway rumah has it he's a pidgeon at the cahd table: Whenevah he has a good hand, his lips turn blue.

 

Comments

Ahy, the classic blue lip Tell. A-Fraud's biggest poker weakness. Well, his hand also swells up into a Hamburger Helper oven mitt-shape, too. But he always explains that away with his, "I'm allergic to pressure" excuse.

"More Bling, No Ring"...right from NY Newsday. The NY papers have treated Slappy's MVP with a collective yawn.....read Lupica in the Daily News.

Hey, Kaz, re: your comment on yesterday's strip:

"I gotta agree with deweyjr...it woulda been better if Doug had the lesbian line and Arturo stuck to more "is that right" or other 3-7 word phrases that it is common to have your hot-dog man say."

Maybe common in some cities, but this is Boston! The city with the best educated cab force in the world. A city where your auto mechanic may have gone to MIT. Out here in Chicago I wouldn't expect to hear this, but in Boston I wouldn't be surprised to hear a hot dog man quoting Kierkegaard.

This calls to mind a fine work of Art, circa 1998,
the film "Slappy and the Stinkers", anticipating the
Slappy Yankee Era (SYE)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120213/

Who knew that Bronson Pinchot was even working in 1998?

Of course they've received it that way, Gery. What matters is winning the WS.

I know we live in a short attention span culture, but remember just shy of 2 short years ago?:

"It's clearly a blow. A-Rod's an exceptional player. Any team would be stronger for getting him. There comes a time when you have to tip your cap to your adversary." -- Larry Lucchino, quoted in the Seattle P-I.

If I didn't know better, I'd think that this A-Rod MVP is being used as a diversion by certain members of RSN to deflect recent difficulties with the retention of team executives?

Is she a new character? I can't recall seeing her before, unless it's just a different pose of an existing one?

Harsh. But thanks for the link.

Just busting your nuts, David. :)

Is she a new character?

Susan with hair down. Compares better with Susan in tank top than Susan on phone with hair up.

One of the big drawbacks of using clip-art is I have less control over stylizing the images so that they are more obviously one character or another.

If I didn't know better, I'd think that this A-Rod MVP is being used as a diversion by certain members of RSN to deflect recent difficulties with the retention of team executives?

I think it's more a case of just unbridled A-Rod hatred. The Red Sox could win 3 consecutive WS and A-Rod could capture Osama Bin Laden, and, speaking for myself, I'd still hate the bastard and would devote the content of 10% of my strips to manifesting that hatred.

Just sayin'...

Personally I'd like to congratulate David Ortiz for ending up tied for the MVP no matter what the bogus rule states...

The rules are clearly wrong. If Selig decreed that Slappy's slapariffic play in the '04 ALCS was ok, that would be an incorrect rule too, and I would ignore it.

Ortiz won the MVP this year, period. An assertion to the contrary is based on abject ignorance. He had the best season. In baseball, that means he is the MVP.

I am not ignoring the rules. I am saying a rule is wrong. The rule as written assumes that the only way to get the MVP is by getting the votes. That is implicit in the current rules, as written. But that is incorrect, so therefore the rule is incorrect.

I am a total playah hatah when it comes to a-rod. He lacks class and any apparent love of the game. Papi is a no bullshit guy and his grin after a great hit and team-focused attitude is part of what makes him so fun to watch.

Was Larry channeling Pedro with that quote? Beg to differ - I'm not sure any team would be stronger for getting him. Haven't the Rangers done better without him? (Admittedly, I don't have the stats to back that up - just a wild guess...)

There's no Rod, just Alex.


Like so many before him, good player and completely uninspiring. In these dark days where all too mny bow before the diety of the HR, MVPs seem more like cheap candy after Halloween.

Tastes pretty much the same, too.


Right, that's why the post was prefaced with "If I didn't know better," and mentioned "certain" members of RSN....hb would never sink to such a level of jaded denial that he would find a diversion after the good ship RSN hit a hidden, long forgotten Nazi mine a few weeks ago.

Imagine if A-Rod did find Bin Laden? Scott Boras would leak the reward negotiations to Lupica et al. He would sit down with Rumsfeld with a flip-binder showing pictures of the USS Cole, Twin Towers and African Embassies, trying to drive up the "buzz" on the reward...

Boras and A-Rod wouldn't turn Bin Laden over unless the reward was upped considerably. In the meantime, they'd torture the guy with a video highlight reel of A-Rod's "greatest moments," played non-stop.

I was actually going to avoid going after A-Rod today (flogging a dead horse and all that), but there was nothing else going on I could find sufficient to build a strip off. He's always the perfect straw man when needed.

Like any great writer, HB, you have to go where the characters take you. All the Soxaholix are talking about the MVP voting today, so the strip has to deal with it. The poker reference was clever too. Re: the MVP bonus, the Red Sox should definitely pay Papi whatever he would have gotten if he had won the award, because he deserves it. And they should do what they have to do to keep Manny, so Papi will still have a great cleanup hitter behind him, giving him another chance at the award next year. Maybe they could go out and sign Frank Thomas to be DH too, and let Papi play first base so the voters have no excuse next year. Full disclosure: that last idea came partly from NySoxFan...

Any thoughts out there on bringing back Nomar to play second base? Or maybe putting him at short and moving Renteria over? If the price is right, I'm pretty sure this Pawsox alum can still hit -- especially at Fenway...

In the meantime, they'd torture the guy with a video highlight reel of A-Rod's "greatest moments," played non-stop.

I'm pretty sure something like that would be prohibited by the Geneva Conventions. There are some forms of torture so far beyond the pale that I wouldn't wish them on anyone, not even Bin Laden. Boil the bastard alive or strangle him with his own intestines? No problem. But for the love of God, not the A-Rod video.

Best strip of the off season!
In fact, back to back jacks this week, hb - Thanks for the diversion.

Hey with nothing particular going on today...

Can anyone tell me what happened to Edw. (aka Edward Cossette) from Bambino's Curse ( http://www.bambinoscurse.com/ ).

His was one of my first Sox blogs to read each day and after they won it all, he posted maybe twice and in his last post he suggests a new blog related to "Invincible Summer" (www.invinciblesummer.com has been 'coming soon' for a long time with nothing but the godaddy splash page). His style was very similar to your's, h.b., with copious literary and historical reference to frame the events of Sox life.

Great stuff...and not only has it sorta gone silent but the comments have been left unlocked and become an auto-spam haven. :(

It's like a virtual gabled bridge falling apart with graffiti on all of its majestic pillars.

PS - I hear ya, RonF.

did I miss something? Wasn't A-rod willing to take a pay cut to play for the Sox?

Can anyone tell me what happened to Edw. (aka Edward Cossette) from Bambino's Curse ( http://www.bambinoscurse.com/).

I can! We've actually been working with Edward on a project that we hope to launch around spring training or the begining of next season. It's called Duffy's Cliff (www.duffyscliff.com) and should be a lot of fun for everyone. If anyone is interested, you can sign up for the mailing list and we'll keep you posted.

OK, let's put it all on the table heah. No way should the Sox sign Johnny Damon. Anyone who watched him struggle through the 30 Games in 30 Days saga knew his shoulder(s) was fuqqed up and he probably needs surgery. It seemed like he could barely hold the bat down the stretch and we all know he couldn't throw. So thanks for the memories Johnny, but Sox need a CF'er who can hit and throw... Andruw Jones would be nice. Or even Dave Roberts straight up for Boomah, batting leadoff. Yes, I dig the thought of re-signing the chastened Nomah to play 2nd base as well as the possibility of signing Frank Thomas to play 1st. OK, that's alot of right-handers in the lineup but perhaps that what we need to beat the Big Eunuch at least once in 2006 fer crissakes.

NY Sox fan, I like your style:

"but Sox need a CF'er who can hit and throw... Andruw Jones would be nice."

That's akin to saying: I want a car that's small and quick...a Ferrari Superamerica would be nice....

Frank Thomas: He and Griffey are alot alike: If healthy, then dangerous.

Emily, can you do Edw's fans a favor and have him shut down the comments over at Bambino's Curse? Maybe one last post (hint, hint, about duffyscliff even) and then clamp it off and leave it less spoiled for posterity (or until the hosting goes unpaid, whichever comes first).

I'd hate to come to Soxaholix 45 years from now when h.b. calls it quits and find it the same way as bambinoscurse.com has become. :(

Can you pass that on from all of his fans? Thanks!

Oh...two postscripts:

They don't call him the Big *Hurt* for nothin'.

And good to hear Edw's okay!

Kaz,

I'll definitely spread the word (although I'm sure he reads soxaholix every now and then)! I just checked out the comments over at bambino's myself. They are a little unsightly, aren't they??

This continued A-rod slammin' and Giam'bashing in tattered Red Sox Nation is akin to Parisians insulting Californ'yah shahdonay as their city burns.

Looks like you can remove Theo's "missing" pict'cha from New England's milk cahtons now that he's rumahed to have "found a job" in Los Angeles (not of Anaheim).

There is a certain twisted veracity in the analogy with French.

A Frenchman would rather drink acid then something lame and devoid of terroir from California and will always insist that the no one can produce wines like the French.

And, as Red Sox fans, we are just as adamant about the superiority of our culture.

Hell, that is what kept us going for 86 years. And I could be wrong, but I think it's the main reason Yankees fans are so fascinated by us.

Oh, yes, you can deny that you're fascinated, but, again, here you are.

Except our women bathe and keep the pits trimmed.

Other than that, I can feel what you're saying h.b.

Except our women bathe and keep the pits trimmed.

You've never been to the hippy commune known as Vermont I guess?

(Just kidding Green Mountaineers!)

You've never been to the hippy commune known as Vermont I guess?

Or a Simmons College dorm.

(Just kidding Simmons ladies! - Oh wait who am I kidding, why would they be at a baseball site)

Fascinated? More like "necessity." You think I can have a relatively relaxed conversation (like the ones available at the soxaholix) about the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry in a bar in Boston?

Theo this and Theo that. It's all so last month. Just keep Manny and bring back Nomar. I wouldn't give up on Johnny Nitro yet either. I think his value on the open market will plummet and we may be able to come to terms. If he needs shoulder surgery, maybe he can play first base this year. Other than tendering Nomie an incentive-laden deal, I think our free-agent bucks should be spent on pitching, pitching, pitching....

Re: French wine vs. California. I'll take Catherine Deneuve and Briget Bardot over Julia Roberts and Maria Shriver any day. Just sayin'...

Mr. Brachen,

Les Parisians may have a point, turning up their snoots to our grapes (I favor Italian wines) but the point of my analogy is: why would Parisians bother to insult Cali "barbaresco-in-a-box" as their city is ablaze?

Insulting A-rod? I figure Red Sox fans would be too busy manning the bucket brigades - as their beloved "Nation" is engulfed in flames - to even care about him. Hyperbole galore there.

I'm fascinated by you Soxaholix for sure, and perhaps it is because you see yourselves immersed in a superior cultcha. We Yankee fans view ourselves the same way 'cept we don't use dem fancy woids like "cultcha."

Kaz, that's some funny shit up there re: smelly, hairy pits -- but have you seen some of the women attending any of the fine liberal arts schools in New England? I have, and the words "Black Forest Ham" now come to mind.

why would Parisians bother to insult Cali "barbaresco-in-a-box" as their city is ablaze?

And my point is that they have no choice. They are French. The city can burn to the ground and the "youths" can declare sharia law and ban all alcohol in France and still, still, the Frenchmen will deride all wine not of France's terroir.

Which ties into my earlier comment about why it always comes back to A-Rod. Doesn't matter what else is going on good/bad for RSN, we'll always have A-Rod to burn in effigy. Just one of those things.

"Insulting A-rod? I figure Red Sox fans would be too busy manning the bucket brigades - as their beloved "Nation" is engulfed in flames - to even care about him. "

Engulfed in flames- that's rich. Rich like the history of the MFY with their 26 rings and blah blah blah. The only things I see in flames are the manifestations of Mystique and Aura. I think they doused themselves in gasoline after Georgie released Brosius, O'neill and Pettite, lit a match when he signed Brown, Giambi and Slappy, and dropped it after the fifth consecutive ring-less season. Before you go talking about someone else's serious case of acne you should look in the mirror.

If you can't understand why Mrs. McBluelips is public enemy #1 around here then you are much more idiotic than you make yourself out to be. Slappy is our pinata, and we always have sticks.

France has survived riots before and it will withstand riots again. Red Sox Nation has seen much worse than l'affaire Theo; and even though many would want to introduce Monsieur Lucchino to Madame Guillotine, why would we not take a moment to deride Mr. Rod? Even the scribes of the Empire are piling on him today. Take a look at the back pages...

Babe, weren't you the guy who was telling us a week ago that losing Theo was not so bad blah blah blah? And now all of a sudden we're going down in flames? And attacking baseball noncombatants such as fine Smith College lesbians--for shame Babe. What happened? You used to be the crazy Yankee fan we all got a kick out of and would admit to kind of liking if we got drunk enough. Like Saddam's minister who kept going on TV insisting that the invaders were annihilated as our tanks were rolling into Baghdad unopposed. Did you take that MVP award and stuff it down your pants?

True story: Separate baseball games are being played simultaneously at Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park. Suddenly, without warning, an Atlantic tsunami strikes the northeast US. A rogue wave several stories higher than the Empire State Building, and precisely 14 feet shorter than Larry Lucchino's ego smashes ashore.

At Yankee Stadium, those who are about to die, pray to God and give thanks for their many baseball blessings. They figure this "House That Ruth Built" is as good a place as any to depart this world.

As the floodwaters receed, the soggy and dazed Yankee survivors shake their fists to the heavens, heckling God: "Booooo!" "What have you done for us lately, ya bum!" "Boooooo!" "You're gonna make up for this, God, either this October, or next, ya hear?!"

At Fenway, the damage is in every way much worse, of course. The entire stadium is submerged and the water continues to rise, taking no prisoners.

Surviving Red Sox fans cling to the top of Pesky's Pole. A few more desperate souls are in the primo seats atop the fabled Green Monster.

Realizing their impending doom, (but somehow denying to themselves that anything bad has happened here) the surviving Red Sox fans also shake their fists, raging to the heavens, firmly placing blame for this unspeakable tragedy on who else? The Yankees.

And Red Sox fans who are about to be taken by the rising water fill their lungs with one final breath, to chant one last time: "Yank-ees Suck! clap, clap, clap-(blurp)-(blurp)...

The most fascinating thing about this "true story?" The New York portion was slightly exaggerated, and the language of the Boston fans toned down so as not to offend sensitive readers.

See now Babe, there's a few details about that story you missed. First of all, when the tsunami hits the Bronx, the flood waters go completely around Yankee Stadium. Why? Well, that's just one of the benefits Steinbrenner gets from selling his soul to the Devil. And later, when those fans find out that they were spared while Sox fans at Fenway Park were not, they decide it was because they were more worthy than Sox fans. After all, God wouldn't destroy the home of 26 World Championships. Next season, Yankee fans take to chanting "5! 5! 5!" at Sox fans, to remind them of the year of the great tsunami. They are puzzled when Sox fans chant "5! 5! 5!" back, not getting it that the Sox fans are referring to the number of years since the last Yankee championship.

That was awesome, BosoxBob, really very funny. But sounds like you missed the part of the story where a bunch of Yankee fans die. Maybe Steinbastard gets washed away, too.

I'll provide more details and illustrations of the casualties (BoSox and Yankee fans) when I make this into a children's book.

The "5,5,5" thing is seriously hilarious though, dude. Thanks for having a sense of humor.

Bravo Babe. Thanks for that. Mad props. Bob too.

Looks like Circle got a makeovah!

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