Juicy Couture

Mike:
I hope you're sitting down for this news: Giambi named AL "Comeback Playah of the Year"

 

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Susan/Circle:
Ah, jeez, can we go ahead and give Kate Moss a D.A.R.E. sanctioned trophy for being a good role model for kids while we're at it? C'mon people. Think.

 

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Mike:
And people wondah why Red Sox fans are arrogant and why we think we're smahtah than all the othah fans combined. Hello!

 

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Susan/Circle:
The supreme irony, of course, is that if Giambi or anyone else had admitted to, say, hitting the 420 chronic bud aftah every game, the feds, the fans, the MLB would throw the war on drugs book at him.

 

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Mike:
But cheat by using a performance enhancing drug and it's all "Juicy Giambi come on down and see what you've effin won! Whoo hoo, America!"

 

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Susan/Circle:
If there's one consolation in this screw job it's that at least Giambi didn't thank the Almighty Jesus for his miraculous recahvry.

 

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Mike:
Hey, who the frig needs divine intervention when you've got "The Whizzinator"? I mean talk about your "Intelligent Design,"

 

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Susan/Circle:
It's the Parable of the Prosthesis.

 

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Mike:
Ask, and it will be given you; Seek, and you will find clean, dehydrated urine for the righteous ones.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Let him who has nevah tested false positive, cast the first whizz.

 

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Comments

[Bob]

I guess this gives Rafael Palmairo the lead for next year's Comeback Player award.

[harwich rich]

did P.T. Barnum have MLB in mind ?

[Son of Hamulack]

I can't even read the rest of the strip. Giambi as comeback player of the year is just appaling. Nobody at MLB ever heard the joke of Lizzy Borden appealing to the judge for leniency for being an orphan.

I guess money talks. The sponsor of the award is Viagra.

[Jason O.]

Pardon the intrusion, but:

Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but is there an important Red Sox game today? One where the team is facing elimination or could force a game 4? Ring a bell?

And the entire strip is a Giambi/MLB hatchet job?

Have the courageous, stalwart soxaholix already written off the season with at least one game left?

res ipsa loquitor: The thing speaks for itself.

[Bob]

Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes from being open to all the questions
--Earl Gray Stevens

[d56]

Jason, you're right, the entire Nation (and note that I borderline hate that phrase at this point) has given up hope, simply because h.b. took time out to point to an astounding bit of hypocrisy - because, honestly, fuck Todd Jones anyway, amirite?

Hatchet job . . . truth in reporting . . . one or the other, really.

The (right) Sox record in recent elimination games, along with "In Wake We Trust," may or may not contribute, as well. Just saying, homey.

[h.b.]

Have the courageous, stalwart soxaholix already written off the season with at least one game left?

That's such an ongoing complaint of blogs in general. If a right-wing political blogger doesn't chose to blog about "situation x" he/she is accussed of a "coverup." If a left-wing politcal blogger doesn't cover "situation y" he/she is accused of selective blogging or whatever.

Truth is, we bloggers, political or otherwise are not under any obligation to cover any particular angle.

This is especially true of the Soxaholix where, as I've explained probably 500 flippin' times now, you, dear readers, are getting a glimpse of a few seconds of conversation. Meanwhile, the characters, as they exist in fictional space, continue talking beyond the strip.

So when someone writes and says, "Hey, I can't believe you didn't focus on Manny's catch" or whatever it's not because I don't give a shit about Manny's catch or whatever, it's just that 1) I don't have time or space to cover every friggin nuance and 2) Not everything Red Sox leads to a strip that can be funny.

My raison detre here is to be funny first. Everything else is secondary. And while I'll be the first to admit I don't always succeed in the humor department, it is what I strive for.

If you, almighty Jason O, have something funny to write about today's game, by all means point me to your friggin site where I can read it and laugh my ass off.

Oh, and then do it the next day and the next day and the next day... Piece of cake isn't it?

[Deepsub]

Thanks for the coffee stains on my desk blotter and shirt!! What a fucking joke, but after watching MLB's "response" to the steroid problem, along with the MLB Baseball Writers ass. fawning over Barry, Juiceon Giambi, and Sheff, I'm not surprised.
If I hear that fat-ass Berman say "whoop!" one more time I'm gonna shoot myself.

[d56]

I'll expound a bit on the Todd Jones bit - honestly, rewarding a guy like Giambi has to devalue the award for the NL winner, who presumably came back from something other than 'lack of performance-enhancing substance' fatigue. Giambi's story is fantastic, pituitary tumor and all, but his condition was legitimately the prototype for steroid abuse. While he did make a fantastic comeback, including re-learning how to be valuable (look at his retarded OBP for evidence), I can't fathom what alternate universe allows the guy to be rewarded for being valuable again (but this time, cleanly!).

It's not a Red Sox/Yankees thing - it just doesn't make sense.

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

um, sure, yeah, Jason. Whatever. Sheesh, when the Sox didn't play the night before, um, what are we supposed to talk about? I wasn't aware we were violating some rules of baseball-themed comic etiquette.

Your thing speaks for itself too (or rather not, Giambi's case): The Yanks knowingly employ dopers. Giambi is a doper, that's all there is to say. Same with Sheffield. We're supposed to sit here and listen to Giambi "apologize" for "nothing" (what, his tumor? who the F apologizes for having a tumor?), and believe he's clean? Sheffield claims he was tricked into using roids, and we're supposed to believe the Ron Jeremy Moustache didn't know what it was, and then, when finding out they WERE roids, didn't sue anybody even vaguely related to giving him something that, at best, could get him suspended, and at worse shorten his career and damage his health? Yeah, that shit speaks for itself just as well.

[RonF]

White Sox fans in my office started talking up sweep. The 2004 Yankee thing gave them momentary pause, but it's the 2003 ALDS vs. Oakland, which they didn't know about, that got things quieted down when I told them about it. If anyone gives me crap today, I have in reserve Chicago Cub history, when they were up 2-0 vs. the Padres, only to become the first team in post-season history to be one game from a sweep only to lose.

As far as this Giambi thing; drugs? What drugs? Someone want to give me the quote where Giambi admitted to taking drugs? Did he come positive on a test that became public knowledge (as opposed to public rumor)? IIRC, MLB gets to play dumb on this one, a role that they are past masters at. The next guy to win this award should wipe his ass with it.

[Jason O.]

Re: selective blogging. Politics has a broad scope, Social policy, Economy policy, foreign policy, etc. One could make the plausible argument of legitimate selective blogging if they were running a political blog.

However, this blog is called "sox"aholix and you have a picture of the "frigging" (your adjective) cask & flagon's sign on the home page. Don't pretend I didn't make a valid point when a) It's the day of your team's potential last game and b) there's not even a passing reference to said game.

To hammer Giambi on the day the Sox could be eliminated looks somewhat petty, IMO.

As always, good luck coming back in this series: I dearly want the Yanks to knock off the World Champs in the next round.

[h.b.]

No, your point isn't valid, Jason. It's naive.

Oh, and I love being lectured about what Red Sox fans should be talking about from someone who isn't a fan.

This is sort of like your problem last week where you tried to argue you are more in touch with the zeitgeist of RSN than other Red Sox fans are.

And since when has hammering Giambi not been somethign this site does every chance it gets?

Jeez, when did you start reading here, like 2 weeks ago?

Still waiting for the link to your site, Jason... what, don't have the creative chops?

[pudge]

The last THREE TIMES the Sox have been 0-fer and facing elimination, they won the series (don't forget the 1999 ALDS vs. Indians). Now that's one hell of a fucking statistic.

And now they have two games at home with their two (potentially) best pitchers. It's silly to count the Sox out, and even sillier to talk sweep.

[Son of Hamulack]

I can't fathom what alternate universe allows the guy to be rewarded for being valuable again (but this time, cleanly!).

Giambi had a great season this year. He didn't find Jesus, but he did somehow recover his purity. He should be up for rookie of the year.

I like RonF's point. Can somebody please locate Steve Bartman and get him a ticket down the line at U.S. Cellular Field for Sunday.

[NYSoxfan]

right on H.B., great strip today. In honor of Soxaholix, I'll be on the Monstah for Game 4 in standing room wearing my "I got your 1918 right heah!" t-shirt in a conspicuous, nationally televised TV plug... Sox in 5, of course. Go Sox!

[pawsoxpop]

HB, thanks for the chuckles, today and every day. I'm sure I don't need to say this, but please keep following your own muse which is generally most amusing.

The fellas have to knuckle down tonight. Garcia has been lights out on the road lately; we've got to make him work and get into the bullpen. Cut down on the first-pitch swinging, please. Especailly if Jenks gets in there again. That foul ball by Trot that almost went yard really rattled the kid, but we let him off the hook. We've GOT to put the pressure on those pitchers, and then good things will happen. Go Sox!

[knucles]

So this is what Sox fans do when they're down 2-0; complain about a Yankee winning a meaningless award? You gonna watch cartoons this afternoon instead of the game to top it off?

[Jason O.]

That's cute, but I won't fall for that "go do it yourself" non-argument ruse. An obvious diversion.

By your logic, I'm waiting for you and every commenter on this fine site to pick up a bat and step in an MLB batter's box before you criticize Giambi. The notion that I must be a Red Sox fan in order to "qualify" to have an opinion on the Red Sox is a giant fallacy.

It's not just a little bit weird that a rabid red sox site says nothing about the Red Sox on the day their season might end?
Just because you reserve the right not to write something does not absolve you from commentary when you obviously, blatantly exclude it.

Cheers!

[Follower of Tito]

Three things because I have to get shit done before I take the afternoon off to watch our boys.

1) Great strip today, h.b. It needed to be said; well done.

2) Wind out of the SSW at about 14 to 22 mph...just the way Wake likes it: blowing towards him from home plate toward the Monster/Coke bottles.

3) Despite repeating myself: Ever since the '04 ALCS and the WS, ever time ANY MFY fan opens thier mouth and speaks all I hear is, " WONH-wonh-WONH-wonh" (you know, like the adults on Peanuts)

Okay, I lied, 4 things:

For my 43 years, I have been a faithful and die-hard fan and will continue to be because this team, my team, our team, has provided us with far more than simply a WS championship last year. Real fans know what I am talking about, so I won't belabor the point. Suffice it to say, come what may, this team links a lot of us with family and friends, both present and absent. I will always believe, until proven otherwise.

Let's Go Red Sox!

[Aaron]

Of course, there is another explanation for why we're all having fun bashing JuiceBoy instead of gnawing our tongues for pain in anticipation of tonight's do-or-die game:

None of us expect them to lose.

When you come back from 2-0, 3-0 holes time and time and time again, it starts to become routine. Every single Sox fan on this site fully expects the team to, at minimum, win tonight and tomorrow. Thus the lack nervous obsession with the game.

But thanks for asking. Your concern for us is touching.

[h.b.]

Jason,

Why don't you read yesterday's strip over and over again and pretend it's today's?

The mood from yesterday has not changed. Of course, I could repeat the exact same "we've got them right where we want them!" theme over again. Hell, I could even do it with two different characters.

But, I tell you what, it wouldn't be very entertaining.

My point about "where's your site" is to give you a sense of how difficult it is to do this every day.

You want the truth about today? I woke saying I'm not even going to do a strip. Instead I'm going to put up an image of the trolley just a single call out saying "do or die" or something. Why? Because I had nothing to say. Yesterday's strip covered all I wanted to say about the game today.

But, lo and behold, I went to SoSH and there was an active thread on Giambi. (Imagine that?!) As soon as I saw that, I KNEW I could get something funny out of it. Even better, I knew I could bring in the whizinator (which, cracks me up in general) and get to goof a bit on religion as well, which, if you've been a regular, know that is a fave topic.

Hell, I even got to work in a shot at the foolishness of the the "war on drugs."

I was psyched.

Sorry you weren't.

Maybe you should consider visiting other sites, since it's obvious I kinda suck?

[AJM]

Just to take this thread in yet another direction:

Last night Roger Clemens came up small in yet another playoff game, following up on his poor showing in game 7 of last years' NLCS, and getting knocked out in the 4th inning of game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.

For all of his incredible regular season accomplishments, would you ever want to hand him the ball in an elimination game? Yes, I know he's had some great postseason starts too over the years, but there sure are a lot of lousy ones in there, particularly over the last few seasons.

Oh, and......GO SOX!

[pudge]

knucles: it's called grace under pressure. I only bother explaining it because it's something Yankees fans know shit about.

[pawsoxpop]

HB,
Maybe none of us Soxaholix could get in a major league batter's box and get a hit, but at least we know how to tell and appreciate a joke. A skill which it appears is beyond the scope of any MFY fan, at least the ones who post ont his site. But then again, you shouldn't expect much in the way of wit from fans who would turn a book by Don Zimmer into a best-seller.

[pawsoxpop]

Hey AJM,
Amen on Roger "Hangnail" Clemens. If the Astros get into the World Series this year and Clemens has to pitch at Fenway, the Sox should get Dave Stewart to throw out the first pitch.

[pudge]

I love patterns, in case you needed to be told that.

From 88-95, Sox got swept in all their series.

In 98, they lost a series 3-1.

But from 99-2004, they have had 7 series, and have come back from 0-fer to win a series three times, swept twice, and lost to the Yankees twice.

So really, after losing the first game, given that it wasn't the Yankees, it was required that we would lose the next before winning the next three, because that is how it always works (well, since 99 anyway).

[NV in SD]

Congratulations JAson Giambi!

You are a blatant cheater who took a few decades off the end of your life so you could knock a few more outta the pahk, win an MVP, and get your huge pay day. You hit the bottom of the barrel when MLB's "steroid policy" came into effect and you could no longer juice your way into the upper echelon of hitters. You were nearly demoted to AAA until you invoked a clause in your contract that said that couldn't happen unless you agreed to it. You miraculously (read: found a substance that can't be tested for and bought a lifetime supply of it and if any of you MFY fans *J.O.* want to argue this then you are stupider than you already make yourself out to be) turned things around. Congratulations, buddy! I hope your family appreciates the massive wealth you've accumulated when you're dead at 42.

And I want those two HR you hit in G7 of the '03 ALCS back, cheater.

As far as today's game (? if it's played) goes there Jason- read yesterday's strip. Instead of policing other people's blogs, why don't you go do something more productive with your time, like quote Marcus Aurellius on nyyfans.com. Let me know how much they appreciate your intillect...

[NV in SD]

Congratulations JAson Giambi!

You are a blatant cheater who took a few decades off the end of your life so you could knock a few more outta the pahk, win an MVP, and get your huge pay day. You hit the bottom of the barrel when MLB's "steroid policy" came into effect and you could no longer juice your way into the upper echelon of hitters. You were nearly demoted to AAA until you invoked a clause in your contract that said that couldn't happen unless you agreed to it. You miraculously (read: found a substance that can't be tested for and bought a lifetime supply of it and if any of you MFY fans *J.O.* want to argue this then you are stupider than you already make yourself out to be) turned things around. Congratulations, buddy! I hope your family appreciates the massive wealth you've accumulated when you're dead at 42.

And I want those two HR you hit in G7 of the '03 ALCS back, cheater.

As far as today's game (? if it's played) goes there Jason- read yesterday's strip. Instead of policing other people's blogs, why don't you go do something more productive with your time, like quote Marcus Aurellius on nyyfans.com. Let me know how much they appreciate your intillect...

[Devine]

I'll suck on defeat when it's time. I just want them/us to win today's game.

[pawsoxpop]

Okay everybody, let's give Juicin' Giambi a break. The guy needs the Viagra Comeback Player of the Year Award -- or at least the lifetime supply of Viagra that I assume comes with it:

http://www.anabolicsteroidspharma.com/side-effects.htm

"...Impotence occurs when a user goes on and off steroids..."

[dunster]

I can't figure out how Jason manages to to get a rise out of this crowd. Sure, he can quote Latin, but who can't?

Myself, I just sit back and wait for the next strip with Tara! She's the bomb.

Oh, and that game today. And my tickets for Saturday, which will be played on Sunday because of the rain. See you at Fenway!

[pawsoxpop]

Okay everybody, let's give Juicin' Giambi a break. The guy needs the Viagra Comeback Player of the Year Award -- or at least the lifetime supply of Viagra that I assume comes with it:

http://www.anabolicsteroidspharma.com/side-effects.htm

"...Impotence occurs when a user goes on and off steroids..."

[pawsoxpop]

Okay everybody, let's give Juicin' Giambi a break. The guy needs the Viagra Comeback Player of the Year Award -- or at least the lifetime supply of Viagra that I assume comes with it:

"...Impotence occurs when a user goes on and off steroids..."

[Jason O.]

Again, I apologize for being the fly in the ointment, it's ironic that the only intelligent/entertaining sports site-hybrid-blog-whatever is where I am not welcome!

[vancouversoxfan]

Knuncles?...or did that MFY fan misspell his own nom de plume! Typical.

More importantly, Go Sox!

[vancouversoxfan]

...and Jason, don't attack hb, you know in your heart of hearts that Jason cheated, and the Viagra award made it topical.

Also Jason, stop with the Latin or I may have to quote some Canadianese like, "Shut your piehole!"

[NV in SD]

I'm sure everyone would agree that you're more than welcome Jay. It's your holier-than-thou comments about how you have a better pulse of whats happening in RSN than Sox fans do that can take a flying fuck.

In other news:
What is up with the dirtdogs website? It used to be a valid source of entertainment, but has turned into nothing more than a fucking tabloid of late. I think things started going downhill when the big dog started spewing his anti-renteria vitrol. Let it go bro. The last thing I need to see is a series of stills depicting the ball going through Graff. Thanks, but I saw that clip about 50 billion times on ESPN already. I guess he's just the eternal glass half-empty type of Sox fan. THAT is why I frequent sites like this and Survivinggrady.

[Billy Mahty]

I have to admit that last Friday I saw the strip and thought, "these guys aren't pulling their hair out when their team might be eliminated?" But then I realized, that's because they're not worried about it. Same thing today.

Giambi's fair game. And I think he deserved the award. phhft.

[Kaz]

h.b....parable of the prosthesis...

Quality.

I see we have our "ace" on the mound here today.

[pawsoxpop]

Jason, you'd get a better reception around here if you used humor once in awhile. Like instead of just scolding HB for doing a strip on Giambi when the Sox have an important game today, you could make a joke about it, perhaps using an element from the strip like the whizzinator.
You'll still get clobbered here -- face it, you're in enemy territory -- but it will be in a more good-humored fashion.
BTW: How many Yankee fans does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't change it. They just tune into the YES Network and watch the old lightbulb from 1978...

[Follower of Tito]

NV. I was thinking the same thing about the Dirtdogs site. First, when did it(he?) become the Boston Globe's bitch? You can't click on anything there without getting sent directly to the Globe. Now I am a big fan of the crossword and the Sunday magazine, but...come on! Second, you are dead on about his glass half-empty (more likely way empty) attitude. He is probably the kind of guy that would match 5 Lotto numbers, wins S10,000 and bitchs that he did match all 6 for the 5 mil. He seems like a very troubled soul.

[Bernie Williams]

MF Yankee fan here,

What better way to mark Jason Giambi's dubious honor (and "inject" a litte more humor into this debate) than to "needle" you Bahston Ded Cox fans.

You know who should be named "Comeback Players of the Year"?
Pedro Martinez and Derek Lowe.

Because all you cryin'-in-your-$8 dollar-a-Fenway-beer bitches are bleating, "Come baaack, Pedro!" Come baaaack, Derek! Come baaaack and saaaave us from the Clement lament!"

Fact: The Schill (2004 version) is gone.
Fact: Wake's "dancing" knuckle ball is more Fred Flintstone than Fred Astaire lately.
Fact: The ChiSox are campaigning like Karl Rove (2004 version) is calling the shots.

Look, "bush league" insults aside (and what fun would this rivalry be without "bush league" insults) I hope both our teams advance to the next round. Let's complete this ALCS "thrilogy" (Monday's headline?)!

By the way, this is the smartest and funniest baseball forum on the web, Mr. Hart Brachen. Keep up the great work -- even if it's so often at the expense of my beloved Bronx Bombers.

[JimmyZ]

For a second I entertained the idea that Jason O could be Juicy Jason. Then I realized that given what 'roids will do to your nads, JJ can't be Jason O, given the sack he shows just trying to parry within the walls of RSN.

I hand it to you J.O. for your efforts at antagonizing criticism of h.b.'s oeuvre - most would prefer to avoid the pile-on of loyal Soxoholix defending their castle... but that doesn't make you any less retahded for thinking you were calling out h.b. on today's strip. Today's possible elimination was covered as much as it needed to be... yesterday - ass clown.

Is it not you who is dodging the subject of how ludicrous it is that 1.) MLB considers the rebound from steroid withdrawl worthy of reward and 2.) The MFY condone and celebrate the employment of known cheaters?

So as much as looking for a rise from us all as you sit behind you impermeable screen, touché - I guess.

[Billy Mahty]

"They just tune into the YES Network and watch the old lightbulb from 1978..."

Now THAT'S funny.. cuz from where I'm sitting it looks like a galldang Christmas tree.

[pawsoxpop]

Hey Bernie, I have to admit you're right about Pedro but I believe the L.A. Dodgers of Chavez Ravine are welcome to Mr. D. Lowe. Meanwhile, if you want to hand out the "Coooomee baaaaack" player of the year award, the MFYs may want to give it to A. Contreras; B. Petitte; C. Wells or even D. Clemens and to save them from the Pavano-Wright blight.

P.S. I'm sure glad you signed that big multi-year deal with the Spanks instead of coming over here as a free-agent...

[pudge]

Bernie:

We all knew Pedro was still good. We just didn't want to pay him top dollar for five seasons.

As to Lowe: we all love Lowe and none of us really wanted to see him go, but he is terribly inconsistent and we didn't want to pay him what he was asking. And nothing's changed (see 12-15 record).

Schilling: yes, the old Schilling is not here. But did you see Sunday's game? Maybe you turned it off after the Red Sox pounded Wright into the ground, but Schilling had a great day, and shut down the Yankees.

Wakefield: heh. Everyone who knows Wakes knows that he had a rough time on Saturday most likely because he had only three days' rest and that today he is working with an extra day's rest. he should be fine.

Maybe Chicago will win. I don't make predictions when it comes to the Sox, either way. We'll see. It wouldn't surprise me at all to see either Sox win. :-)

But yeah, would be fun to have yet another Fenway/Bronx series. Bring it on.

[RedSauce]

Why do I find it extremely hard to believe that this is the only site where Jason O. isn't welcome?
And I don't see the irony--stupid people shouldn't post. Simple fact.
Dissenting opinions, yes. Morons, no.

[birthofasoxfan97]

NV - I totally respect your posts, so will also check out Surviving Grady out of curiosity. (As if I don't already have mounds of work piling up because I'm hooked on h.b.'s brilliance...)

The yanks who for some odd reason feel compelled to post here, and unfavorably at that, have a strange brand of intelligence and logic. It reminds me of teenagers with political zeal.

Wake's not going to let anybody down tonight. Cue Dirty Water.

[Bernie Williams]

Pops,

Yanks traded the great Contrarian for Loaiza because he was as dependable to the Yanks as Jeff "White Flag" Weaver. Plus, he couldn't meet Yankee pitcher job description #1: beat the Bosox. Funny how the Contrarian, Loaiza and Weaver managed to find the strike-zone from time to time after they left the Bronx.

Old man Clemens got slapped around last night. David Wells? that ton-of-corned-beef floating in beer has been dead to me since he didn't show up for the 2nd inning of Game 5 World Series (did he make it to Game 1 against the ChiSox this week?), and Pettitte, well, you got me there, we never should have let Pettitte go. "Come baaaaack, Andy Pettitte!"

As to my (Bernie here) longterm deal with the Yanks. Thanks, Pops! I've had a great run here. Picked up two more rings since 1998 (when I almost became a Ded Cox) -- and I also had the opportunity to play in more playoff games than anybody in the history of the game. I'm more concerned with winning than anything else but somebody told me (Bernie here) that I have the most RBI and home runs in MLB playoff history, too. Hope you get to see spank a few balls off the Monster next week!