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Heady thoughts

Doug:
Is it pretty much a given now that "testifying before Congress" is a euphemism for lying your ass off?

 

Bill:
Christ, I feel like a doofus, I took Palmeiro at his word … Always respected him as a playah and he nevah seemed the steroid type.

 

Doug:
He could, technically, in a depends on what the meaning of "is" is way, be telling the truth … you know he nevah "intentionally" used steroids. Wink. Wink.

 

Bill:
Yeah, but aftah seeing that chaht ESPN put up showing Raffy's homahs per year shooting up from 8 to 35 or more consistently just aftah, coincidentally , Canseco claims he turned him onto the juice in Texas, the evidence is pretty damning.

 

Doug:
Christ, I just wish all this steroids shit would go away. It makes my head hurt thinking about it.

 


Doug:
Right and then there's all that gray area that falls below the obvious Bonds, Giambi juicing into the not so sure realm of relief pitcher's taking Ritalin to help them relax and focus or someone like Clemens gulping down Vioxx to help with muscle pain.

 

Bill:
You've got to wondah, too, if at some point in the futchah this all becomes moot.

 

Doug:
You mean like the monochrome spandex suit wearing futchah were everyone is thin and good looking and drives around in floating cars and shit?

 

Bill:
Exactly the I'm not satisfied with 20/20 vision so I'll use stem cells to grow a bettah retina so I can see 20/10 and, henceforth, be a bettah hittah futchah. Will that be legal or illegal in MLB? And how would you even test for cell level manipulation if it is deemed taboo for athletes?

 


Bill:
You mean a guy is born blind but through the marvels of modern medical science he is fitted with some sort of visor …

 

Doug:
Exactly. I mean even if a Geordi LaForge couldn't hit for powah, you don't think he could hit Boggsian singles day and night with that mofo visor on?

 

Bill:
Yeah, the Supreme Court has already established precedent in saying the ADA law allows for such a thing in the Casey Martin golf cart case.

 

Doug:
See why all this talk makes my head hurt?

 

Bill:
Speaking of heads, if they one day manage to clone the cryogenic remains of Ted Williams, does the clone automatically become a Red Sox or does he have to enter the draft like everyone else?

 

Doug:
Or maybe there is some clone waivah wiah he has to clear first?

 

Bill:
Can you imagine if the Yankees managed to claim the cloned Ted Williams off the waivah wiah?

 

Doug:
OK. I just puked in my own mouth.

 

Comments

I'm with you about Raffy. I wanted to think that he was juice free, but there was always an icky sensation in the back of my head when the subject came up. Poor bugger: he'll be immortalized for a positive (3000 hits, 500 HR) and a negative (juice), but that mofo had to trade away his health for it. Ask Lyle Alzedo if it were worth it.

Oh, about the MFY and Teddy: it is disrespectful of the dead to even mention the two in the same breath, unless you are somehow incorporating the Dimaggio brothers.

Ok, h.b., Doug may have puked in his mouth, but I just snarfed coffee out my nose
(urban dictionary definition: www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=snarf)

Dude, that is almost as funny and inspired as the serial pediophile in the basement comment last year after the 3rd loss to the Stinkees in the ALCS.

Who knew Jose Canseco would be so like the never-believed Greek prophet Cassandra? Kind of creepy.

Finally, if the Stinkees claim Teddy Ballgame's clone, then we need to get a hold of some of the Babe's, Gehring's, Mickey's and Maris' DNA Jurassic Park-like. Stienblower would have a stroke.

Thanks for the reminder of the "serial pedophile" line! I'm currently toying around with the idea of producing a "best Soxaholix lines" book, so I'm starting to make a list of lines for possible inclusion.

I'll probably put out a general call for help to all of you in this regard (i.e., asking you for your most fave lines over the past two seasons) when I get further along in the next couple weeks, but the sooner I start the better.

h.b. you said your were in a slump last week. I think today's strip broke you out of it. Beautiful. Definetely add the "puked in my own mouth" line to the book.

Coffee on my monitor today and it's all your fault!

Glad you liked today's strip. It helped that I got to bed before 2am last night and laid off the booze and pot brownies.

BTW the "puked in my own mouth" line is actually something I stole from Bill Simmons (formerly "Boston Sports Guy" now working for ESPN), so I can't use that one in the book unfortunately.

Cheat

to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud or to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice

Advantage

superiority of position or condition or a factor or circumstance of benefit to its possessor

Yes…”Cheating” or “Competitive Advantage”…thus, the “gray area” HB mentions…

A few ways to cheat or gain an advantage in baseball:

Ingested:

Greenies or, hey, let’s call the spade a spade—amphetimines, were in clubhouse candy bowls (NFL, too) until the ‘70s. Surely, the practice continued after these candy bowls were removed.

Basic protein shakes, Creatine, androstenedione, ephedrine, steroids and so on are all consumed with the intent to become stronger and faster.

However, protein shakes are OK, but steroids are not acceptable. Is it due to “prescription only” status? “Unregulated” status?

Applied:

The application of foreign substances or physical alteration of baseballs was a given in days gone by—only pitchers can inform as to what’s done to a baseball today.

Giant elbow pads allow a batter an advantage over the pitcher in the quest to control home plate. Mashers like Bonds, Giambi, hell, even one Maurice Vaughn hung their heavily clad elbows over the center of the plate—all were were unafraid of the HBP, thus reducing the threat of the pitcher’s friend:pain/intimidation.

On the field:

Stealing signs is a known part of the game—but, don’t get caught. The guy who reaches second and tries to tip the next batter about the next pitch will earn himself or the batter “chin music”.

Looking back at a catcher’s position is also a no-no as is timing the pitcher as you stand on the on deck circle-again, only if you’re caught.

But, again, how do we, in 2005, define ”Cheating” v. “Competitive Advantage”?

Disclaimer: As an adult,I’ve cheated and or maintained a competitive advantage on the field—played touch tackle football for years—if a QB was silly enough to not hide in the huddle and I could read his lips, I absolutely looked / listened for the snap count. And yes, I would use creatine on game days—riled me up something fierce.

Have the ramifications from performance enhancing substance detection become the cost of doing business or is it still a stigma? Does the "everyone is doing it" factor have an impact?

Just something to chew on.

SawxSince67: I also have to insert a familial disclaimer that in my family (which is kinda competative) if you don't hide your cards during a family game it is fair to look (unless the player is a kid..about age 12 or so that rule is suspended and your on your own).

h.b.: Do we have to test you for a "controlled substance" because of this out-of-the-park strip after a noticeable slump last week (a la Giambi, Bonds, and Palmero)?

Finally, over the past few years (especially since Noma left) I have felt that players on the Sox are more in need of Jenny Craig/Weightwatchers than random drug testing (Schill, Manny, Papi, Millar, Foulke, Wells...okay, maybe AA for him, but you know what I mean)

h.b.: Do we have to test you for a "controlled substance" because of this out-of-the-park strip after a noticeable slump last week (a la Giambi, Bonds, and Palmero)?

No problem. I've got my Whizzinator and dehydrated clean urine. Pass that piss cup on ovah.

and Simmons got the 'threw up in my mouth' gag from Parcells, iirc

ESPN.com

Seattle Mariners pitcher Ryan Franklin has failed a drug test and will receive a 10-day suspension under the terms of Major League Baseball's tougher steroids policy, a source familiar with the situation told ESPN.com.

Oy...

HB,
I laughed so hard that I had to drink several large glasses of water to get my intestines back down there where they belong.
I always thought it was ironic when Geordi LaForge from Star Trek Next Gen was the host of "Reading Rainbow" on PBS, and he didn't even have the visor on either.
Is anybody beside me here old enough to remember the Hank Aaron Wheaties commercial where they did like a blooper reel of Hammerin' Hank striking out and dropping fly balls while the Rare Earth or somebody sang "Henry, you didn't have your Wheaties. Strike three, you know it's not your day." (?)
Any chance Juicin' Giambi would make a similar commercial for some steroid manufacturer after the season this year? You know, a highlight and lowlight reel? Just asking...

I am really loving this Palmeiro steroid thing. It is just way too damn funny, especially when you hear his rant to congress immediately followed by his "apology" yesterday- they are almost identical...all but the word "knowingly". If Pete Rose isn't in the Hall of Fame none of these guys should be in.....although this is just me talking irrationally.

I would love to be at the first game back for Palmeiro....I would boo him until I passed out, then wake up again and boo him some more.

So it seems that Viagra wasn't the only performance-enhancing substance Raffy was using...

I wonder if he ever made the connection? Did he ever consider that the 'roid use is what caused him to need the pee-pee pills? Just sayin'...

Good question about Geordi Laforge - at some point in the future all sports will have to address many technical medical advances.

p.s. pretty damn funny stip too.

At some point ballgames will be just be played on the holodeck with people paying $4,000 a ticket for the privilege of hitting the game-winning home run against Roger Clemens IV or Roger Ramjet Jr.

When Ted Williams retired, he was still subject to baseball's reserve clause - if he were to come back to life, even as a Futurama-esque head in a jar, I think he'd still be red sox property, unless the reserve clause only covers one lifetime.

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