We'll be right back

The quest for first place suffers a temporary setback as the Sox get beaten back by the Orioles, but …

Lisa the Temp:
Yes, Lisa the Temp again to tell you The Soxaholix are too busy because of shortened week at day job to talk about the Red Sox.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
What? Did you say something? I hope I didn't hear you bitching. You got a weekend strip and a holiday strip, right?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
If there's any bitching to do around here I'll be the one doing it. Look at this flipping computer they stick me with? Oh, I see, I'm just the temp. Why would a temp need more than 4 keys on her computer?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
I Ctrl+Alt+Del all your sorry full time with benefits asses to hell.

 

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Happy Memorial Day

Bill from home:
Unbelievable. There's still life in David Wells yet!

 

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Tara from home:
Ah, yet again, Theo and his gang of stats geeks appear smarter than the average fan. Imagine that?

 

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Bill from home:
Heh. Except for that first inning, Wells was a frickin monstah.

 

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Tara from home:
At one point in the 8th inning, Wells had thrown 86 pitches and 63 for strikes!

 

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Bill from home:
And just as good was the offense in all three games. Talk about having good eyes, 51 hits in just 3 games?! Wow.

 

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Tara from home:
All this and finding out that Pay-Rod is in therapy? What a most fantabulous holiday weekend.

 

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Bill from home:
Absolutely. And as we bask in our own resplendence, let's not forget to give thanks on this Memorial Day to all brave folks who've paid the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

 

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Tara from home:
Righteous.

 

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Sock it to 'em

Doug:
When Renteria hit that slammah yestahday, I kid you not, Bill, I got all teary eyed.

 

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Bill from home:
No friggin joke. People like LaRussa thinks we're a bunch of A-Holes as fans because of our expectations, but we more than any one want so much for a playah like Edgah to succeed.

 

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Doug:
Can you believe 27 frickin hits in the Yankees own house?

 

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Bill from home:
Loved seeing all those Yankees fans streaming out of the Stadium in the 7th.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely, but it'll be Pyrrhic victory if the Sox get beat tonight.

 

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Bill from home:
I've got a good feeling about our favorite fustilugs Wells.

 

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Doug:
Wells with the rookie Kelly Shoppach catching in his first Major League staht … prepayah yourself for destiny.

 

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Just not 'N Synch

Boston is swept by Toronto …

Bill:
Jeez, when I said I'd give the club a mulligan this season aftah winning the World Series, somehow, you know, 4th place isn't what I had in mind.

 

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Doug:
Fercrissakes, 4th place?! The Globe says the Sox haven't been out of the top two spots in the division at this point in the season since 1997.

 

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Bill:
1997 when the Sox finished in 4th and boy bands ruled the radio airwaves? Fuck, I want none of that, none of that I tell you.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, evidently, Backstreet's Back, alright.

 

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Bill:
The Red Sox need a collective MMMBop on the head.

 

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Doug:
So let me get this straight … the OBP dahling A's have lost 5 in a row and sit nine games out of first and Beane protege Epstein is mastahminding a club that their own playahs are calling "a really bad team right now"?

 

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Bill:
Moneyball has so fucking jumped the shahk.

 

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It ain't gellin'

Mike:
I love the way the Globe skirts around their wolf in the fold relationship with Dirt Dogs. Regarding the Foulke thing Snow writes this morning about "a rumor stahted on the internet…"

 

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Doug:
Yeah, like "the internet" is a being that gets immaculately conceived and then, lo and fucking behold, gives birth to anotha rumah.

 

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Mike:
You'd think in the interest of transparency they'd, you know, mention that the rumah, or whatevah it is at this point, first appeared on the Globe copyrighted Boston Dirt Dogs site.

 

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Doug:
What's moah, now that it appeahs there was at root truth in the original "Foulke gone to Alabama to see a doctor" story that the Globe would do bettah than treat Dirt Dogs like some sort of freakish ghoul.

 

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Mike:
Speaking of, our own beloved Red Sox act like their auditioning for a paht in the next zombie movie.

 

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Doug:
Wondah what it's going to feel like to root for a 4th place team?

 

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Mike:
We may find out as soon as this weekend. Not that I'm being fucking negative or anything.

 

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Doug:
This has been a lousy past couple days for defending World Champions, even Ken Jennings got taken to school on Jeopardy.

 

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It's just not natural

The Red Sox lose in the bottom of the 9th to the Jays and slip toward the unexceptional…

Susan/Circle:
At least the friggin fustilugs owns up to his ginormous suckiness, saying if he keeps pitching like that he doesn't expect to be around.

 

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Mike:
Toronto hits for the cycle in the 4th!? A 6.81 ERA!? 52 hits in 37 innings!? Talk about a case of flusterpation.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I'm still trying to figure out what Theo and his band of geeky paste eatahs were thinking when they signed Wells.

 

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Mike:
This season is shaping up like last season … on again off again glimpses of greatness but mostly mediocre .500 play thru early summah.

 

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Susan/Circle:
And that's the bitch isn't it? I mean aftah what happened last yeah how can one get too freaked out about anything this yeah?

 

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Mike:
This "wait and see glass half full don't panic" it a lot fucking hahdah than it looks.

 

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Susan/Circle:
It goes against our collective na-cha.

 

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Mike:
It creates a metastasizing emotional conundrum.

 

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Susan/Circle:
It's a nightmare of relativism from which I cannot awake.

 

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Mike:
How do people live like this?

 

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Susan/Circle:
The happy-go-lucky state of being is so fucking overrated.

 

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Enjoy your irrelavancy. fellas

Bill:
I think this is the first time I find myself glad that the Sox are playing on the road in a dome … You seen the mofo forecast?

 

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Doug:
We had the snowiest wintah evah, now the coldest spring evah and our second "freak" nor'estah in May … Who the fuck knew hell freezing ovah would have such adverse effects on the local conditions?

 

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Bill:
If that's the price we have to pay for winning it all, then let it rain and snow all summah.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, but didn't you get the friggin' memo? Winning the World Series doesn't mean jack until the Sox also win the division.

 

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Bill:
You know you've almost gotta feel bad for columnists like Murray Chass as every day they get sucked further into the black hole of irrelevance with the public.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, Schilling nailed it on EEI when he said, "The writers make the fans believe that writer has insight and expertise on a subject that he doesn’t. These guys don’t know us for the most part any more than the fans do. They talk to us more but that doesn’t mean they know anything more about us than the fans who are watching the games do."

 

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Bill:
I remembah writing Shaughnessy an email back in mid 90s, back when the web was just getting going, to take issue with something he said and the prick writes back, I'll never forget it, he wrote back with "If you're so smart, why don't you get a job like mine and get your own column?"

 

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Doug:
Ah, the hubris of these guys. You think the CHB still responds to readers that way considering that a whole bunch of smart fans did start their own columns by way of blogs?

 

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Bill:
I suspect the egos of these columnists are too lahge to make them realize that these days when I want to read opinion and analysis of the Yankees, I'm not going to look to a Murray Chass but to a Cliff Corcoran.

 

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Doug:
Right, just like we turn to Allan Wood or Surviving Grady or any number of the Red Sox bloggers for our daily dish these days instead of the homogenized, agenda ridden, same old Newsak crap guys like Shaughnessy peck out.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, whether it's Newsweek making up stories about Quoran flushing or someone in the Boston media cherry picking playah quotes to create a fictional storyline, the game is up. Enjoy your irrelavancy. fellas.

 

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Koo Koo Kachew

The Red Sox took 2 of 3 from the Braves, but a vocal contingent of the Nation is losing patience with Edgar Renteria …

Mike:
So the boo birds are roosting on Renteria's struggles big time.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, whadya expect? Everybody in the lineup gets a hit yesterday except Renteria and he was 1 for 13 during the homestand with the Braves.

 

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Mike:
But at 7 games ovah 500 hundred and with a fresh World Series pennant hanging I'm just not ready to accept the Rent-a-Wreck branding.

 

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Doug:
But it's not just the bat woes it's the 8 errors and no evidence of speed that has us thinking Theo laid his second turd with this signing.

 

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Mike:
I'm sticking with Schilling on this one when he writes as SoSH, "Don't make the mistake of letting 7 weeks overshadow 8 years."

 

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Doug:
Jeez, I guess wearing that thing on his ankle for so long has gone to Curt's head as now it sounds like he's channeling the ankle braceleted Mahtha Stewaht.

 

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Mike:
Look on the brightside, it's not like Boston is the only team with a recently signed high-priced free agent who is not, er, meeting expectations.

 

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Doug:
No shit, even the Big Eunuch's battery mate is casting aspersions.

 

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Mike:
You know that hit he gave up to the Mets' reliever Koo was only Koo's second at bat since Little League?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and the ass wipe McCarvah on the Fox broadcast was still flapping his pie hole saying "This has got to be the biggest give-away at bat in the history of baseball …" as Koo drove Johnson's 91 mile an hour low heat 400 feet to centah.

 

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Mike:
Beatiful. Buck 'n' McCarvah and Johnson both spanked. Thank your favorite supreme being for life's little miracles.

 

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Baltimore? Don't even go there.

Bill:
You know Bob Ryan is one of my favorite sportswriters, but, is it me or did his column today just not make any sense?

 

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Mike:
It's a column in search of a thesis. Is it everyone outside of the Boston/New York corridor is sick of the rivalry? Or is it that the "times are different today"? Or is that the Orioles were once good, then they sucked for yeahs, now they might be good again so we should be calling into EEI saying deep down we want to give a friendly guy slap on the ass to Mike Flanagan?

 

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Bill:
No shit, and if things were so different back in the so-called day, then why did fans have to "secretly" admire the Canadians or Orioles? Doesn't that suggest a, pardon my French,  Plus Ça Change, Plus C'est La Même Chose situation?

 

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Mike:
And you can tell when a columnist or anyone else is getting long in the tooth when they say something like "it wasn't so long ago" and then they bring up 1966? Not so long ago? For fuck's sake that's nearly 4 decades ago.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, it wasn't so long ago that we were at war with the Japanese now they play on our baseball teams. So, Bob, "where did we go wrong" with that one?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, right, life was so rosy and honorable back in '66 wasn't it Ryan? Not like people were getting crosses burned on their lawns or anything for supporting Civil Rights in the South. Not like there were any race riots in Boston over school desegragation by busing or anything in the early 70's. How did things get so hateful today when we were so civil before?

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile the Orioles fall from being the "gold standahd" to being an also ran over the last 20 yeahs or so didn't have anything to do with having Angelos as manager or horrible front office decisions, no, it's all because of the rich Red Sox and Yankees.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, tell me why Baltimore which ranks 4th and 3 spots higher than Boston in metro area population can't pay a "Big Market" payroll and compete every year with the Red Sox and Yankees?

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. So forgive me if I don't get all moist in the eyes like Ryan when I see the Baltimore Orioles temporarily in first place in the AL East.

 

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Une étude en rouge

David Wells doesn't make it through 2 innings giving up 9 hits and 7 runs before getting lifted …

Steve:
I'm so friggin glad David Wells rushed right back into the rotation, we sure as hell need his help.

 

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Doug:
Abso-effin-lutely. I'm so glad the Red Sox so respect the "veterans" that they let them call all the shots. I mean it's not like Wells needed any rehab time with Pawtucket or anything. Shit no.

 

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Steve:
Right, and it's not like Schilling came back too early or anything and got injured. You've got to give the veterans a wide berth. Don't try to, you know, "manage" them. That shit just won't work.

 

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Doug:
Seeing Wells lumbah like a dinosaur in a stop animation sequence from the 70s going aftah Kotsay's lead off bunt in the first, I was overcome by Wells' heft, by his very fullness …

 

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Steve:
His fullness looms like a room full of obsolete tools.

 

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Doug:
Hey did you heah the secret to winning in sports is wearing red? Guess those scientists overlooked a certain Red team's fortunes from say 1919 thru 2003.

 

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Steve:
Yeah, but what if the 86 year drought was from not having enough red? When did the Sox introduce the Sunday red jersey, 2003?

 

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Doug:
Holy coincidences, Batman, 5 outs from the World Series in 2003 and winning the whole shabang in 2004 and due to red jerseys on home Sundays?

 

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Steve:
Some curly haired guy should write a book about this intriguing phenomenon.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and call it "The Curse of the Red Herring."

 

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OBP-Wan-Kenobi

Mike:
Don't look now, but Renteria has hit safely in 12 of his last 13.

 

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Tara:
You've got to admire the shortstop's tenacity in working through his hitting slump and showing no signs of panic despite Tony Room Service La Russa's dire warnings.

 

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Mike:
It's that "staying in the zone" thing that gives me the most optimism so fah this season.

 

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Tara:
Absolutely. Last night's game is a great example. They couldn't get any Zito pitches to hit, so they just worked him over with plate patience and hitter's discipline.

 

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Mike:
The result? Only 4 measly hits but 11 just-as-good-as-singles walks and the 7-5 win.

 

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Tara:
That's what you call TheoBall, The Sequel, Revenge of the O.B.P-wan-kenobi.

 

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The dark underside

The Red Sox fall to Oakland while leaving 13 men on base …

Doug:
Jeez, are all the Danes fucking pussies or is this film director Lars von Trier the exception when he whines, "America has to do with 60 percent of my brain and all things I experience in my life, and I'm not happy about that."

 

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Bill:
Boo fucking hoo. Guy should try being a Red Sox fan. They have to do with 99% of my life and often I'm not thrilled with that.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, you want to talk about a "bad influence" well how's leaving the bases loaded with no outs in the 4th and 1 out in th 7th and they can't drive a single bastid home working the fuck out for your victimized mental state?

 

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Bill:
It's a fucking oppressive hegemony of frustration. I feel so hopeless, so emasculated, so, er, Danish, when Mark Bellhorn whiffs, Johnny Damon whiffs, and Edgar Renteria lays a pop job aftah 3 on and no outs.

 

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Doug:
In my nation everything has to do with leaving men on base. This leaving men on base is sort of sitting on the world.

 

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Bill:
Fuck yeah it is. The world is a dahk and sinahstah place when men are left on base.

 

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Season's getting warmer

The Sox are a dissapointment versus the Mariners, while the Yankees' streak continues …

Marty:
Hey, Callaghan, don't look behind you lest you realize that one, your middle aged ass gets fatter every day, and two something might be gaining on you.

 

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Bill:
Ah, Mahty, all that money spent on a sex therapist yet you're still premature, eh? Your Yankees, last time I checked, just crawled their way back to .500 … that's not a lot to crow about.

 

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Marty:
The Yankees may only be at .500 but when all is said and done they're also only 3 and a half back of your self-proclaimed "idiots." Sleeping well, Billy Boy? [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
8 in a row against mediocre competition, I'm sleeping fine, thanks.

 

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Marty:
Ah, Callaghan, I wouldn't throw away that Xanax script just yet … the Yankees have gone 8 and 1 against Oakland and Seattle while the Red Sox have gone, what is now, 6 and 3, facing the same easy competition. Pleasant dreams?

 

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Bill:
No worries heah, Mahty, as there's plenty of time yet for Clueless Joe and his lackey Stottlemyre to burn out your bullpen with overuse … Torre's daily mismanagement has been costing you come Octobah for yeahs now.

 

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Marty:
How many rings has Torre, Bill? And Metamucil chugging Francona? I'm just saying.

 

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Bill:
Great, Mahty. You just keep looking at what has been and I'll keep looking forward to what will be. One club is ascending while anotha is descending. I think we both know which is which.

 

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Marty:
Whatevs, Callaghan. I'll see you in October.

 

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Bill:
I hope so, Silverstein. As I learned last yeah, nothing bettah than laying the smackdown on the Yankees in Octobah … besides I'm really looking forward to seeing Pay-Rod's so called "dropping the shoulder move." [Laughs]

 

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Scratch his name on your arm with a fountain pen

The Red Sox set out on a West Coast swing …

Bill:
Gotta love the mid week off day for travel … gives ya a chance to catch a breath, step back and evaluate

 

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Doug:
Yes, the first West Coast trip of the season, where many dreams have withahd through the yeahs.

 

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Bill:
I'm surprised the Sox don't visit La Ciudad de Nuestra Señora, Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula Angels until August.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, I always look forward to seeing that dude K-Rod in his Mr. Magoo glasses.

 

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Bill:
Speaking of crotchety, myopic, Magoos, our man Dan has anothah of his Rojah Come Home hahdons today.

 

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Doug:
Ah, yes, the bring back "the greatest pitcha evah" meme. Right on schedule.

 

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Bill:
Truth is I'd love to see Clemens in a Boston uni again, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna write him little love notes or fawn like an awkward high school girl with a tremulous haht sitting by the phone waiting to get asked to prom by the class jock.

 

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Doug:
No shit. Can't you just see it? The stories of Theo having dinnah with Rogah and Debbie and their k-k-k-kids, the "I've always loved the fans of Boston and their tradition and passion" sound bites …

 

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Bill:
Yeah, Gammons on ESPN saying the deal is 99.99% done, DirtDogs photoshopping Clemens in a Sox uniform and then …

 

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Doug:
Clemens signs with the motherfucking Yankees.

 

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Bill:
You know it. I know it. We all effin' know it.

 

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Tek Talk

Susan/Circle:
He of the golden gluteus, Mr. maximus, sturdy man ass of my dildo dreams, comes through again.

 

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Tara:
I see you Captain, struttin' that ass, struttin' that ass.

 

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Susan/Circle:
But Tek's l33t skilz go beyond his perfectly sculpted, proof that God is a woman backside and his walkoffs.

 

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Tara:
I've got intangibles for his intangibles.

 

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Susan/Circle:
And though Foulke is giving me the mofo heebie jeebies, El Captitano says, "He's going to be fine." Conclusion: Foulke will be fine.

 

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Tara:
Righteous.

 

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Cosmic payback

Steve:
Arroyo again … Now wins in 15 of Saturn Nuts last 15 starts.

 

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Doug:
Good thing, too, as I've got this sinking feeling Schilling is going to be a long time gone.

 

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Steve:
Yeah, tough to be optimistic when even Schill himself says he doesn't know when asked if the ankle is getting any better.

 

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Doug:
Had ta figya there'd be some cosmic payback price to pay for The Bloody Sock heroics last Octobah.

 

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Steve:
Cosmic payback is such a bitch.

 

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Doug:
Fuck yeah it is, just ask Jason Triple A Giambi.

 

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Steve:
Live by the juice; die by the juice.

 

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Doug:
Or in the case of Salem, live by a witchcraft legacy, die by a Bewitched statue installed in the town squaah.

 

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Steve:
Why Samantha and not Darrin? Bunch of sexist wiccans.

 

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Doug:
No shit. Samantha was willing to give up her witchy ways to live the life of a mortal in suburban Connecticut all because of the dude, Darrin Stevens.

 

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Steve:
And he was a skinny spastic uptight weird fucker too.

 

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Doug:
Hot wife with a funky nose waiting for you everyday in a sleveless dress at 1164 Morning Glory Circle with a martini in hand at 5 o'clock … Darrin so fucking rules.

 

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All about winning

The Red Sox continue to get it done, winners of 6 of their last 7 …

Mike:
Geez, Tim Wakefield is on a roll this year … 4-1, 3.42 ERA …

 

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Bill:
No shit. And last night he claimed he didn't have his best knuckleball. But like Trot Nixon said, "If that's not his good stuff, then what is?"

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, are the Spankees digging themselves out of their early season grave -- 3 wins in a row.

 

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Bill:
No friggin' biggie … As a dude on SoSH posts, " If you can't win an occasional 3-in-a-row with $15,419,815, $19,000,000, and $15,714,286 pitching, I'd say you have some problems."

 

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Mike:
Fuck yeah. They were pythagorean 89-90 win team last year, but managed to catch every break imaginable until Octobah, and this yeah's Yankees aren't as good as last's.

 

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Bill:
85 wins. No playoffs. That's my gut on the Mystique and Aura, er, I mean McStink and Horror show from the Bronx.

 

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Mike:
Maybe "Jeets" will convince his email buddy Rojah to come ovah to the Spanks midseason.

 

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Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely because, you know, the Yankees, according to Rojah, are "all about winning" and shit.

 

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Mike:
Fuck yeah they are … except of course when they got bitch slapped by Arizona in 2001, punked by the Angels in 2002, bent ovah and made to squeal like a pig by the Marlins in 2003, and then given four straight golden showahs by, ah, who was that again in 2004? [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
Clemens is too busy counting his money to notice that Torre's Spank and Yank are 0 for this century.

 

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On a good pace

Bill:
Why does losing the second game of a double headah feel worse than losing a regulah single game?

 

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Doug:
Ah, cheah up, dude. Millah looked awesome in getting that no decision: three hits and one walk over five innings … He reached 92 miles per hour to the first batter he faced, then 93 to the second, then 95 to the third.

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. I'm not complaining, just wanted that second game, too. But 18-13 at this point and a 97 win pace? I'll take it.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, a 97 win pace with more playahs failing to meet reasonable expectations than playahs exceeding reasonable expectations …

 

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Bill:
Two and a half behind Baltimore, a team whose only distinguishing feacha is that they are full of shit.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, like all bullshitahs, they have a complete indifference to how things really ah -- namely that they are a .500 club at best.

 

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Bill:
And then there's those other guys to our south, rotting from the inside out.

 

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Doug:
"An old, brittle team that should only become more brittle with time …"

 

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Bill:
Yep, just like his horse, George's team is washed out.

 

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Seismographs at the ready

Rider on Green Line:
He of the "nuts the size of Saturn" continues to run rings around the competition.

 

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Bill:
Hell, yeah, Saturn-nads is 9-0 since his last regular-season loss, August 15th and the Sox are 14-1 when he starts in the regular season.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Arroyo is so on fiah right now, his own teammates are glad they don't have to face him … Youks calls him "deadly"

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. And 5 and 2 on the road trip? I'll take it.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Yeah, now back to Fenway just in time for a freak spring Nor'eastah.

 

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Bill:
I hate when rainouts derail the momentum train … Things are going so well right now.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Yeah, even with Manny slumping, Schilling and Wells on the DL, Renteria looking awkward and stiff. Foulke being very un-Foulke … still I'm feeling fine.

 

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Bill:
All that good and the Yankees gorgonized and tied for last place in wins and first place in team meetings.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
I heard The U.S. Geological Survey has just issued a statement saying anyone in the vicinity of Volcano Steinbrenner should hasten activity to protect life and property as an eruption is certain and imminent.

 

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Bill:
The anticipation of seeing George go all ape shit is killing me, I tell you, just killing me.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Get our your Member's Only jacket and your Flock of Seagulls cassettes out, it's retro 80s night in New York.

 

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Who's your Dhimmi?

Bill:
Don't look now but the Sox have won 4 out of the last 5.

 

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Doug:
Didn't Youkilis get called up, oh, 5 games ago? Coincidence? I think not.

 

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Bill:
The kid is certainly on a small sample size tear: batting .467, slugging ovah .600 …

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me? Youks is a mofo Jewish hitting machine.

 

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Bill:
Note to the anti-semite, Holocaust denying, intifada pricks: I don't see any Arabs slugging .600 … I'm just sayin' …

 

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Doug:
Yeah, hello, PLO? Send us a couple of hot hitting prospects then we'll see about getting you Palestinian statehood.

 

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Bill:
Hey, we'll take pitching, too. I'm always seeing those TV scenes from Gaza of Palestinian kids casting the fuck out of stones and Molotovs, gotta be a potential Nolan Mohammed Ryan out there, right?

 

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Doug:
Dude, you are so begging for a Dhimmitude smack down.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, I've got your subservient dhimmi right heah.

 

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Pass the jam

OK, we tried to resist but couldn't take it anymore, so get your gloat on …

Susan/Circle:
Cue the Jeopardy music … 2005 baseball for 300, "This pitcher threw 37 pitches in the first inning Tuesday, and the Devil Rays swung and missed only once, on a bunt attempt."

 

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Mike:
Who is Kevin Brown?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Abso-fucking-lutely. Here's a bed wetting quote from the Post, "Brown was so putrid that if he were one of George Steinbrenner's thoroughbreds he would be on the way to the glue factory."

 

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Mike:
Brown is 0 fer 4 with an 8.25 ERA … Pass the blueberry jam, I smell toast.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I'm so glad Pope George issued that encyclical a few weeks ago to turn things around for the Yankees. They've gone 7-8 since. Wicked mystique. Wicked awe.

 

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Mike:
Last year, of course, the Spankees were 8-11 then they went on to win 8 straight and go on a 34-10 run … Anyone think that'll happen this year?

 

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Susan/Circle:
And all this belly flopping after stahting the season with one of the easiest schedules in the AL — They've played 17 of their first 25 in the Bronx but only have a 7-10 home record to show for it.

 

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Mike:
Even bettah, the Yankees troubles extend beyond the diamond, all 47,000 of their hats for "Cap Weekend" were poached by thieves.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I'm feeling that oh so good schadenfreude tingle.

 

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Today's strip would be better if I could just settle in

Hello third place …

Doug:
It's unclear who's in more trouble, the caught on tape booty calling Paula Abdul or the piss the lead away Red Sox bullpen.

 

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Mike:
Embree says they "just have to get settled in and get comfortable."

 

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Doug:
Of course, I mean it's not like 6 fucking weeks of Spring Training and the entire month of April is enough time to get settled in and get comfortable. You can't fucking rush this comfort shit is what I always say.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, by all means take as long as you need to reach a propah comfort level. Leading the division is so fucking overrated anyway.

 

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Doug:
And what of the leaving a season-high 13 men on base and hitting just 3 for 16 with runners in scoring position?

 

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Mike:
Hey, it's a big fucking ballpahk ovah there in Detroit. You have to keep it in perspective, Francona says. If they were at Fenway, a lot of those long flies would have been homahs.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and if only they played on the moon, bloop singles would turn into, er, moon shots …

 

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O'er the land of the free

The Red Sox win the series in Texas, and The Soxaholix introduce a new character, Steve Xiang …

Steve:
Did you see that stats chart in the latest Gammons? Teams with a May 1st winning percentage in the .500 to .549 range only go on to make the playoffs 1 in 4 times.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, Steve, and prior to last October the chahts woulda shown that no teams down 0 and 3 in a playoff series evah came back and won 4 straight … so forgive me if I take a whizz all ovah your chaht.

 

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Steve:
[Laughs] OK, OK … But what about Renteria? His offense and defense have gone total Jennifer Wilbanks on us.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, like the "missing" bride, Edgah's seems to be stressing a bit … though everyone seems to think that in time he'll be all ovah the ball like Paula Abdul on Corey Clark.

 

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Steve:
Reminds me, I'm so fucking glad my Asian immigrant parents worked shit jobs 80 hours a week their whole lives so I could live the American Dream and wrestle with important issues of the day like "Why happened to Jennifer?" and "Is Paula a jailbaiting ho?"

 

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Bill:
Hell yeah you are! And wait til you see the joy in your pop's eye when you tell him you get to watch the Mary Kay Letourneau wedding on Entertainment Tonight.

 

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Steve:
Who the fuck knew this is what founding father Jefferson had in mind by a "pursuit of happiness"?

 

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