Ready, Steady, J-Go

Bill:
What's the book on Jeremi Gonzalez whom Dirt Dogs is indicating will step into the rotation to replace Schilling?

 

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Tara:
He had a terrible 2004 with Tampa, never throwing well, a 6.98 ERA … The D-Rays released him in December.

 

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Bill:
Released from Tampa? Ah, Christ, I'm about to animadvert ovah heah …

 

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Tara:
Possible neutralizer to your animus: Baseball Prospectus indicates Gonzalez missed some time last season to finalize a divorce in Venezuela, which might have had something to do with his awful performances.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, nothing like an ugly Venezuelan divorce to eff up your stuff.

 

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Tara:
BP gives him a 48% chance to improve, a 23% for a breakout season, and a 21% of collapse …

 

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Bill:
A 7 in 10 probability that he at least gets bettah? I'll take it. Not that I have much choice.

 

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Tara:
Hey, things could be worse, at least we don't have to rely on the "approaching the end" Mussina.

 

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I'm not hearing enough cowbell from the bullpen

Mike:
Usual disclaimah about "it's early yet blah blah blah" but is Foulke fucked or what?

 

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Doug:
There's nothing, nothing that unnerves me more than not being able to trust your closah … Fuck, I can't even talk about it.

 

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Mike:
A "stunned gaze," the manager "frustrated with him," not recording an out until his 16th pitch, and you're just going to, what, go all Tom Delay evasive on this?

 

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Doug:
Oh, don't you fucking worry, I've got magazine rack of issues ovah heah … like Wells going on the 15 day DL and they call up Dinardo? Dinardo?

 

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Mike:
Why not Youkilis?

 

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Doug:
Exactly! Do we really need 8 fucking relievahs ovah the next two weeks?

 

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Mike:
Hey, don't fucking second guess Theo. This rostah will kick your shitty ass in a 23 inning game and don't you forget it.

 

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Honeymoon's Over

Boston loses to first place Baltimore and drops to 11-8 on the season …

Bill:
On the bright side, I guess we can stop wringing our hands wondering when Wells is gonna go down hurt.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, guess we no longah have to belabah the "What happens when Wade Miller returns?" question.

 

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Bill:
Just 19 games into the new season and the pitching staff is already looking about as promising as Bennifer II.

 

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Mike:
So how do you think Affleck explained to the dimply faced Jen Garner that her engagement ring was a full 1.6 carats smaller than the one he got J-Lo?

 

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Bill:
Ah, probably the same fucking way the Red Sox spun the David Wells signing to us …

 

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Mike:
Bunch of love struck believe anything shit heads that we are.

 

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Bunch o' berserkers

Bill:
Jeez, I somehow managed to forget what a bunch of wannabee surly punks the Devil Rays can be.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, this "you plunk me, I plunk you" thing has become standahd when the two clubs meet. Remembah the famous Ryan Rupe game when he hit Nomah right square in the back?

 

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Bill:
Big Papi Ortiz places the blame on Pinella. Says little Lou Lou stahts everything up by way of his management style or lack thereof.

 

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Doug:
Well, Pinella is fucking insane.

 

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Bill:
You gotta figure managing or playing for the D-Rays would drive anyone ovah the edge … last place every year, stingy ownahs, small market, your home field doubles as a climate controlled mall … Fuck, I'm ready to start tossing beanballs just thinking about it.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and don't forget the general fucked-uppedness of Tampa Bayans in general, I mean they worship George Steinbrenner down there fercrissakes.

 

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Bill:
And people are surprised that 5 year olds have to be handcuffed and shit down there? The whole fucking city is berserk.

 

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Leader of the pack

Susan/Circle:
So in the off season Theo and company spent money, some say overspent to sign Varitek thereby leaving the team fiscally unable to resign high priced FA pitchers Martinez and Lowe.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, and how's that shit working out again?

 

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Susan/Circle:
16 consecutive shutout innings.

 

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Mike:
The stahtahs have gone 48 innings with just six earned runs for a 1.16 ERA.

 

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Susan/Circle:
And Clement throwing an eight-inning, seven-strikeout, one-walk gem that shaved his ERA to 2.13.

 

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Mike:
Let's see … Clement: 2.13 ERA, 8M salary. Martinez: 2.17 ERA, 14M salary.

 

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Susan/Circle:
So fah, so good. Theo looking like a genius again …

 

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Mike:
And don't forget Wade Miller on rehab up in Portland.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Miller is pitching Saturday afternoon at Hadlock … Wanna motor up 95 and check it out?

 

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Mike:
Hell yeah I do, as long as we can detour onto Route 1 in York so I can inhale 5 or so Flo Dogs.

 

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Susan/Circle:
But when we roll into the mean streets of Portland keep your wits about you due to the ensuing retaliatory turf war among motorcycle gangs.

 

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Mike:
Jesus, I know New Englandahs, especially Mainahs, like to hold on to and appreciate the past and all, but motorcycle gangs? The Outlaws? The Hells Angels? Hello 1970!

 

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Susan/Circle:
What do you suppose motorcycle gangs in Maine fight ovah anyway? Who can chop, cut and stack the most cord wood?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, I picture big leathah clad guys sporting lobstah tatoos on their backs and shit.

 

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Susan/Circle:
And they're all coming in with the trash talk, all "Ayuh, you wicked gawmy bastahd, I'm gonna crack you open like a quahog."

 

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Warming up to Wells

Boston beats Baltimore 8-0 …

Rider on Green Line:
Now that he's had two consecutive impressive stahts, I'm finally feel comfortable referring to Wells as "Boomah"

 

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Mike:
Hell yeah, 15 consecutive shutout innings since losing his first two starts …

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Meanwhile, I'm relieved the Sox took the first game in this Orioles series considering how Baltimore beat up on us last season.

 

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Mike:
Yeah I don't want an effin' repeat of "The Curse of the Edgar Allen Poe"

 

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Rider on Green Line:
As far as curses go, looks the curse of Nomah going on the DL for all or most of the season continues.

 

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Mike:
Ouch. Shit, you know, I hope the best for Nomah, but can anyone say that this latest injury comes as a surprise? It was a mattah of "when" not "if"

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Absolutely. And the same goes for Pedro.

 

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Mike:
I know. Dude's shoulder will have him on the DL by labah day sure as shit.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
My gut tells me D-Lowe is going to be the lone guy from the '04 team who kicks total ass in '05.

 

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Mike:
Hope so. I seriously wouldn't wish "the Derek Lowe Face" on the fans of any team, well, almost any.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Goes without saying …

 

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Smite (Obey Your Thirst)

Doug:
"Money is important, but it's kind of down the list for me. My desire is to be in Boston and be a Red Sox. That's just who I am now."

 

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Bill:
Beautiful. That quote should be carved in stone above libraries and city halls and shit as a testament to all that is good and glorious.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. Let's recall Wakefield's Red Sox haaht and old school values the next time the quacks in sports media punditry begin the "today's ballplayahs are eeevil" hue and cry.

 

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Bill:
Hey, did you hear Schilling yesterday on Dennis and Callahan?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, can you believe he went on record saying that when the visiting team is batting fans should reach in and interfere with the play and shit just don't do it when the Sox are up.

 

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Bill:
Too bad Schilling isn't Catholic, he'd make a perfect going-medieval-on-your-ass Papa.

 

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Doug:
Fuck yeah he would. Can you imagine?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, yeah, he'd be all, that "Thou Shall Not Kill" bit doesn't apply to the other wrong god fucks like those prick Huguenots. 

 

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Doug:
Yeah, Pope Montague de Sangre Sockus the First would be all issuing encyclicals to command the faithful to get their raggedy one true church asses out there and start killing heathens and infidels and what not.

 

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Bill:
Summon your inquisitors and lay a mofo smite down. That's what I'm encyclicalanating about fercrissakes.

 

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Hookey Time

After a picture perfect Patriots Day Holiday …

Lisa the Temp:
It's me again, Lisa the Temp, and you know what that means …

 

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Lisa the Temp:
No Soxaholix today … I guess they got too caught up in Nerd Night.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Must be nice to have sick days and have health insurance and crap.

 

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One if by land, two if by sea

Three if they come electronically …

Bill from home:
I'm so freakin' glad the Globe has gone to a registration required mode for the online edition.

 

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Tara from home:
Yeah, I love having to login with a username and password for the privilege of reading the Curly Haired Boyfriend make stupid unfunny slurs about Schilling and "his little website friends."

 

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Bill from home:
Yeah, maybe if they weren't so busy being disparagahs of the web they'd realize how nobody puts accurate info into those silly registration pages.

 

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Tara from home:
As far as Boston dot com knows, I was born in 1918, I'm retired, I live in poverty in Uzbekistan, my email address is sodoff@mailinator.com and my favorite section of the Globe is "real estate."

 

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Bill from home:
As the Patriot version 1.0 Sam Adams said, "The natural liberty of man is to be free from any superior power on Earth …"

 

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Tara from home:
Absolutely, and in 2005 a fundamental part of protecting our liberty includes never revealing our personal information inadvertently.

 

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Bill from home:
Happy Patriots Day!

 

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Damned Dirty Fans

Tara:
I hate it when the a-hole contingent of Red Sox Nation embarrasses the rest of us.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, the only downside of winning the World Series is that the ass clown contingent probably quadrupled and they feel emboldened towahd ever more stupid behaviah.

 

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Tara:
Honestly, I've never understood the fascination some fans have for getting a game ball. Trying to get hold of a foul while in your seat is one thing, but this clawing out of the stands like a zombie looking for brain to eat is pathetic and sad.

 

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Bill:
These are the greedy, gluttonous, deprived of mothah's breast as kids loosahs who love the all you can eat buffets and go back for thirds because, you know, they want their money's worth and shit.

 

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Tara:
Meanwhile, who'd have ever guessed that Gary Sheffield of all people had the presence of mind to not go all Ron Artest on their asses.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, the night was full of surprises, not only the do the right thing Sheffield but the not so big unit sans the finger pointing and glaring and very hittable.

 

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Tara:
And the 2 for 3 Edgar Renteria!

 

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Bill:
Ovah 6 games with the Yankees, an even split. 2005 continues where 2004 left off.

 

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