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Another day, another snow storm, but when you root for the World Champs, nothing can bring you down …
Mike:
Did you read that Stark article on ESPN?
Doug:
Fuck yeah. 13 of 14 experts say the Red Sox have the best lineup in the A.L.
Mike:
"The best, hands-down. They can all crush you, one through nine." …
Doug:
A mofo "relentless" offense. Relentless.
Mike:
And whitha our dear slappahs to the South?
Doug:
Lots of "age and health concerns" doncha know. Getting oldah by the moment.
Mike:
And Giambi is their fucking "X-factor"? Holy fuck that's sweet.
Doug:
Yeah, why do I get the feeling Giambi isn't going to be like that dude from Wilco … you know gets off the dope but is still good? Poor New Yankahs.
Doug:
22 million people living in five boroughs of which, alas, none are the home of the defending World Champion baseball club.
Bill:
Didya heah the latest? "Fans from all ovah express their dislike for how the Sox go about their business. The swing from lovable loser to arrogant 1st-time-in-86-year winners has been quite dramatic," one Seymour Ruskin purports.
Doug:
Ah, yes, the same old worn out memes. If the Sox were coached by Belichick blabbidy fucking blah and the Yankees, especially A-Fraud, are classy.
Bill:
I'm still not exactly sure why having one guy, Juicy Giambi confess, well sort of, to steroid use and anotha, Pay-Rod, ostensibly say that he'd do his cheat slap play again if given the chance, defines "classy," but that's just me.
Doug:
And for what it's worth, I'd like to let Seymour know that Trot's deadbeat dad comment did give me a "rush in the loins" but I'll have you know I was not drunk when I heard it, you fucking bastid. I was high on marijuana brownies. Jeez.
Bill:
What I think's funny is how all of a sudden people have discovahd an arrogant streak in the Red Sox. Nevah heard of Ted Williams, I guess, and his self-proclamation as the Greatest Hittah That Evah Lived?
Doug:
And as for us fans, fuck, we were arrogant even when we were losing 86 yeahs in a row. We had the best Curse. Our losses were the most haht wrenching. Our ball pahk is the best by fah. And we all know we are the smahtest fans in all of baseball. Winning the World Series just ratchets that shit way the fuck up.
Bill:
I'm so fucking arrogant I can barely stand myself.
Doug:
The enormity of our arrogance, is it something one not of us can evah really understand?
Bill:
Indeed. Our striving toward arrogance isn't at all practical. If anything, we are arrogant precisely because it isn't practical.
Doug:
We choose to go to the motherfucking moon not because it is easy, but because it is hahd!
Bill:
To these charges of arrogance from the Seymour Ruskins of the world I say, "Wait 'Til Last Year" Bitches.
Bill:
No new crazy photos. No new flogging the dead Nomah horse. No new 30 point headlines saying something like "Pedro Working with Al Qaeda on Dirty Bomb!!!!"
Rider on Green Line:
Meanwhile, our two local mainstream papahs' baseball reports continue to raise the bah with their Spring Training reporting, eh?
Bill:
Yeah, there's what, 40 something guys on the Spring Training roster and so many different stories to tell, yet this morning, both the Globe and the Herald featcha a lead story on Mark Belhorn?
Rider on Green Line:
No shit. And nothing against Mark Belhorn, but c'mon. And this isn't some anomaly. Yestahday it was all Manny. The day before that they both featured Ortiz.
Bill:
You think the reporters call each other after suppah each night like a bunch of 14 year old girls to coordinate their outfits for the next day, too? [In falsetto] "I'm going to wear my Ugg boots with my Hollister skort tomorrow." … "Oh, me too! Me, too!"
Rider on Green Line:
So much for the myth of competition between the Globe and Herald leading to a higher quality of output for the readah.
Bill:
At least the Globe seems to have done something right by adding Chris Snow to the beat. So fah, I like his stuff, even if he did pen one of the dopplegangah Belhorn pieces from this morning.
Mike:
My ass is dragging big time today … All night I kept dreaming I was really exhausted and every time the alarm clock would go off I'd say, "No, I can't do it. I'm too tieahd." Then the alarm clock went off for real.
Mike:
No kidding. I need some performance enhancing drugs or something.
Susan/Circle:
Isn't that cheating?
Susan/Circle:
Oh, great defense. I'm going to use that on Mrs. Johnny Damon when I get caught in flagrante delicato with her man meat.
Susan/Circle:
He will be revealed himself, but his image is hidden by his highlights.
Mike:
Wretched is the body that is dependent on a body.
Susan/Circle:
I witness to that, my young Goodman Brown, do I evah.
It may be snowing (again!), but Soxaholix everywhere are basking in the glow out of Fort Myers where Spring Training is in full session …
Bill:
Jeez, I'm so fucking glad that Murray Chass let us in on the secret that newspaper reporters go out of their way to create controversy and that they, ohmigod, manipulate quotes to distort the original context and meaning!!
Doug:
Yeah, ol' Murray writes that all this "he said, Slappy said" stuff has become one of the most distasteful instances he has witnessed in 45 years of covering baseball. The horrah. The horrah.
Doug:
Plagiarism, forgeries, half truths and the like are all well in good. Just don't be writing half ass shit about Alex Rodriguez. He's a five tool playah fercrissakes.
Doug:
Hell, yeah! Check out El Tiante with some serious el jonque in the tronque leaning on that bat all Rico Suave and shit.
Bill:
El Tiante is and forevah will be the coolest cat to evah don the Las Medias Rojas.
Bill:
Yeah, and can the corny hat while you're at it, Panama John.
The Red Sox are "leaning" toward changing the date of the Ring Ceremony? …
Bill:
You know I used to think the Red Sox brass was pahtly responsible for finally bringing a World Series to town, now I more and more feel that was just a fortunate coincidence for this bunch.
Bill:
Steinberg. And who the fuck is Steinberg anyway? Keeps talking about "decorum." Well decorum means doing things according to convention and tradition. Throughout history the Ring and Raising the Pennant Ceremony has occurred at the Home Openah.
Rider on Green Line:
Abso-effin-lutely. To altah the traditions and rituals of baseball is the ultimate impropriety.
Bill:
You know, if I was Steinbrennah, I'd seize the uppah hand heah and demand that the Ceremony occur as scheduled. He'd come out looking classy and brass ballsy and would make the Sox look like assclowns and totally make the ceremony all about the Yankees' respect for tradition and willingness to hold their heads high even in defeat.
Rider on Green Line:
Jeebus. That's totally evil. I'm surprised he hasn't thought of it.
Bill:
And the otha thing is this is real backhanded slap at the Yankees and their fans. Basically saying we have to protect their self-esteem and shit. If the situation were reversed, I'd be way insulted.
Rider on Green Line:
When exactly did New Yorkers go from the "What the Fuck Are You Lookin' At?" tough bastids attitude and into the smoke free, saffron wrapped, welcome to "The World's Second Home." pansy shit?
Bill:
Yeah, how much fun is this rivalry going to be if New Yorkers identify more with Carrie Bradshaw than Thurmon Munson.
Mike:
Yeah, and he thinks it odd that the Red Sox don't like playahs to criticize the team publicly? Is he totally out of fucking touch with reality or what?
Mike:
Big time. And then, just to dot the i and cross the t in stupid, Lowe comes out with, "The funny thing is, I'm the one getting attention for working out, but there are probably guys from three or four organizations working out here." And tell me again which of those guys accused the Red Sox of perfidy and maliciousness?
Doug:
Meanwhile, I don't think the Sox brass could give a fuck about Lowe's after hours escapades. It's the who's gonna show up, "the Good Derek or the Bad Derek?" question that led to his not being resigned or even given an offah.
Bill:
Hell yeah he did. Out of nowhere, too. Just for the effin' sake of it.
Tara:
Absolutely. Trot's gotta keep his uppity Spankee bitches in line.
Bill:
And Nixon went right for Slappy's weak spot, too, saying La Fraud doesn't "stand up" with Yankees like Jetah. You know that friggin' drives the Slapstress nuts.
Bill:
Why do I get the feeling that Trot Nixon is waiting for the slightest excuse to go totally kung fu on the Lil' Nubbah with the blue lips?
Tara:
Wing Chun Nixon's gonna F yo shit up, A-Chump.
Bill:
Iron fist clocking jaws and shattering blades. Fooshhh Wooshhh.
Bill:
It's Juiced Day! You gonna read it?
Doug:
Fuck yeah I am. It's winging its way from Amazon as we speak.
Bill:
Yeah, I know. I remembah when you were saving up the 25 hundred to go dinnah with him. Whatevah happened with that?
Doug:
The more I thought about it the more I was like, shit, the dude's under house arrest. How much fucking fun can we have? I want wild times and rampant roids and shit.
Bill:
You coulda ordered up some hookers.
Doug:
Ho to go? The thought crossed my mind. But remembah, Jose's a pinche broke ass mofo. It's one thing to pay 25 hundred to hang out with him. It's anothah thing entirely to pay to get him laid too.
Bill:
Ah, grasshoppa, you are the sagacious one.
Doug:
Fuck I am. My resplendence has no bitch.
Susan/Circle:
Start spreading the news, New York City has officially jumped the fucking shark.
Susan/Circle:
They even have 25 dollah commemorative t-shirts fercrissakes! And New Yorkers are buying that swag?!
Mike:
Yeah, when Sinatra sings about his vagabond shoes, longing to stray, I just don't pitcha him in a Christo t-shirt.
Susan/Circle:
The old school New Yorkers would wipe their asses with Christo's's sheets.
Mike:
If Jetah wondahs what happened to all "the ghosts" that used to insure that things went right for the Spankees, all he has do is look at Central Pahk. The ghosts split out of total embarrassment.
Susan/Circle:
Jetah should send A-Rod a Christo t-shirt for Valentine's Day, since, you know, A-Rod is the Christo of baseball. All show and no fucking go.
Mike:
[Sings] If you can fake it there, you'll fake it anywhere. It's up to you, New York, New York.
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