You dropped a bomb on me, baby

Doug:
OK. So we've reached the mofo nadir in baseball news. There's nothing going on.

 

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Mike:
Well, there's the new MLB policy on steroids … Yawn.

 

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Doug:
It's so fucking dullsville around heah that even the Curly Haired Boyfriend is stuck writing puff pieces about The Trophy.

 

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Mike:
What's even saddah is I'm so fucking bored I actually read it. Leave it to his Shankiness to use something as innocuous as the World Series trophy to take a jab at the Red Sox writing," It is bigger and better than any ballplayer. It never leaves via free agency."

 

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Doug:
If nothing else, you've got to just step back and admire Curly for his fucking consistency.

 

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Mike:
Ratha than thinking outside the box, the dude's standing there motherfucking hammerin' the box shut from the inside.

 

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Doug:
Thank bejeebuz the Pentagon isn't as predictable as Shaughnessy, otherwise we'd nevah have fucking cool shit like the "Gay Bomb."

 

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Mike:
How the fuck do they test something like that?

 

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Doug:
Dude, don't tell me you've nevah seen a Euroweenie football club celebrate after a goal. Who do you think is behind that ass grabbing and smooching? That's right, motherfucking C-I-A.

 

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The Three Amigos

When Shea Hillenbrand was traded from the Red Sox, he made a lot of disparaging remarks on his way out. Sox fans have not forgotten …

Bill:
Good news: Schilling says he'll be ready to face Randy Johnson on Opening Day.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
I'm psyched but not at all surprised. He of the sutures and bloody sock doesn't go gently into that good night known as the DL.

 

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Bill:
So when Schilling says that Randy Johnson is quote "special," does he mean, you know, special special? You know short bus special.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
[Laughs] Speaking of the IQ-challenged, did you see that Toronto picked up Shea Hillenbrand?

 

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Bill:
Is that really his wife in the photo DirtDogs has up? Oh my fucking God is she evah special.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
And what is up with the chimps?

 

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Bill:
Hey, don't fuck with the chimps. Gotta have somebody with brains in that household.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
True. And I'm just so glad they are going with chimp children and haven't yet polluted the gene pool or anything.

 

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Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. Somebody bettah make sure The Hillies see the United Nation's new condom campaign with the "Three Amigos"

 

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Rider on Green Line:
They really named the talking condoms Shaft, Stretch and Dick? That's totally flippin' hilarious. Yeah, I'm sure that will work in convincing third world men from highly patriarchal cultures into going to the glove for love.

 

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Bill:
All I know is that as a white guy I'm highly fucking offended that the United Nations of all places made the black condom the tallest. My fucking self esteem is irrerperably damaged now. [Laughs]

 

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Rider on Green Line:
What race gets stuck with that stubby blue one? Poor effin' bahstids?

 

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Where's the Boink?

Caught fast in winter's icy grasp …

Bill:
I watched the Johnson press conference with the Yankees and couldn't believe what I was seeing. It nevah really dawned on me before what an abso-effin-lutely freak of nature he is.

 

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Doug:
And the pinstripes just accentuate his gauntness. You know, he just doesn't "look" like a Yankee, does he? Doesn't fit their square jaw, soapy clean, buzz cut image. And are those braces he's wearing?

 

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Bill:
Ah, for fuck's sake. This is why I hate January. Baseball is so far away that we're reduced to playing the role of Melissa and Joan Rivers to Randy Johnson?

 

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Doug:
No shit. When in the fuck is Boink magazine coming out? I need BU student porn to distract me from this cold, barren, baseball-lacking world!

 

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Bill:
Fuck yeah. They said January and now they're saying next month.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, c'mon. Don't bogart that porn. That Alecia Oley-Oleywhatevahthefuckitis is so fucking hot.

 

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Bill:
Quoting, "Oleyourryk is skinny but takes up a lot of space. She pulls her wavy blond hair into a messy ponytail. Her closet is a technicolor chaos of shoes, metallic blue pumps and metallic pink pumps with extremely high heels."

 

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Doug:
OK. I so just got a bonah.

 

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Bill:
I tell ya, though. I think I'll skip that erotic story "of sex in a Fenway Park bathroom during a Red Sox game." Call me a prude, but that just doesn't feel right.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, be kinda like doing it in church or something. Besides it's totally implausible. Evah taken a whiz at a game when there wasn't a line to the pissah?

 

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Your world frightens and confuses me

Tara:
So I guess Randy Johnson didn't have a chance to read the Yankees' employee handbook on media relations yet.

 

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Bill:
You're not in Arizona anymore bean pole.

 

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Tara:
What's also hilarious about Randy's media meltdown is that usually celebrity men get into fights with cameramen when they are part of a celebrity couple like Timberlake with Diaz or Sean Penn with Madonna and not by themselves.

 

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Bill:
Well, Randy is in love with Randy, so what do you expect but a little worship at the alter of Onan?

 

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Tara:
Speaking of confrontations, did you see that dude Sully lay down the Sabermetrics bitch slap in the comments to a Jim Rice Hall of Fame post at Surviving Grady?

 

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Bill:
Hell yeah. I loved it when one guy dismissed Sabermetrics because it's "un-American."

 

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Tara:
Considering that a good portion of our republic still dismisses the science behind the theory of evolution as blasphemy, maybe he's got a point?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, To hell with your logic and fancy numbers, we all know the tsunami was an Act of God and Rice should be in the Hall because "the ball was like a rocket flying off his bat."

 

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Tara:
I always wonder if when one of the anti-Sabermetrics goes to the doctor do they refuse to take any tests? You know, "No, no, doctor. You're not swabbing my throat or taking my blood to find out why I'm spitting up glowing green mucous. Just look at me ferrcrissakes! Can't you just tell by looking at me?"

 

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Bill:
I imagine as well these flat earthers also buy lots of lottery tickets in hopes of winning the big one and check the Farmer's Almanac for the weatha forecast.

 

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Memorabilia? Not so much.

Susan/Circle:
This Minky-Ball-Gate story reminds me why I always go all glassy eyed and catatonic when someone starts going all reverential about their recent trip to Cooperstown. I really don't give a fuck about "memorabilia."

 

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Mike:
Yeah and what the fuck is up with getting the ball "authenticated" by Major League Baseball officials? How the fuck do you authenticate something like that? Do baseballs have DNA all of a sudden?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Oh, this sounds like a potential hit TV show. It's CSI meets ESPN in Fox's new hit series that everyone is talking about "SMA: Sports Memorabilia Authentication" Mondays at 9.

 

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Mike:
[Imitating a TV voiceover] "In a very special cold case episode, at a suburban garage sale a reformed drug dealer claims to have the crowbar used to injure Nancy Kerrigan's knee in 1994. Join the crack SMA team as they rush in to authenticate! See what dark secret they reveal."

 

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Susan/Circle:
Fuck yeah. The team would be made up of the scientist, the clairvoyant one, the rookie, and the hard scrabble, cigar chomping, older tough guy father figure.

 

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Mike:
And one of them, probably the clairvoyant one who when handling the memorabilia can "see" the past, should be played by a hot chick who wears tight, low cut blouses.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Abso-fucking-lutely. And maybe give her a French accent too, just for the fuck of it. And, of course, the scientist should be played by a minority, maybe half black, half Chicano, just to covah all your bases.

 

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Mike:
And think of all the fucking spinoff series you could have like "Sports Drug Testing Squad" … this joint is pure network gold. Stories "ripped from the headlines" and all that shit.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Must fucking see TV. You got that right.

 

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Pondering Plunder

Doug:
Not to sound totally callous, but can we dial back from tsunami 24 fucking 7 yet?

 

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Mike:
No kidding, I got the memo: big fucking wave, no fucking warning, give shitloads of money already you wealthy not drowned bastahds.

 

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Doug:
For fuck's sake I'm ready to get back to some, you know, real news like Michael Jackson, Amber Frye and horny high school teachah bitches having lewd and licentious acts with teenaged boys.

 

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Mike:
Back in high school, I so fucking wanted my 9th grade English teacher, Ms Honeywell, to have a lewd act with me. Every 4th period was a total fucking morning wood fest. I'd fantasize that she'd keep my after class to say, "Mike, we've discussed a lot of Shakespeare in our lessons, now I'd like to shake your spear in a special after school lesson…"

 

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Doug:
Ah, a crude yet highly effective teenage masturbatory fantasy. Speaking of have you heard we are getting Delgado and Beltran for Manny and a fuckload of other playahs?

 

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Mike:
I think my high school fantasy with Ms. Honeywell was more likely than that. But, you know, crazy shit does happen from time to time?

 

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Doug:
Therein lies a great truth: The more implausible the plundah, the more plausible the plundah becomes.

 

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Era of Errors

Still poking the hot stove fire as January takes hold …

Bill:
If I'm a Yankees fan …

 

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Doug:
Ewwwww! Gross thought. [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
Yeah, I feel soiled just saying it, but if I were, heaven forbid, a Yanker, I'd be scratching my head over this alleged pass on Beltran.

 

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Doug:
Oh, no effin' doubt. Spend all that money to get Randy Johnson and then just take a pass on the best free agent out there? Makes no fucking sense.

 

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Bill:
All we hear from the so called intelligentsia of Yankee fandom is all that shit about the Yankees "not asking for the current set of rules they operate under" and how George is such a magnanimous and great man for working the system and putting the best team money can buy on the field each year for his fans, for his people. "George just wants to win blah fucking blah" and all that …

 

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Doug:
And yet he doesn't even put an offer on the table for Beltran?

 

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Bill:
Yeah so instead of using his riches to reverse the Yankees' aging process a bit by bringing in a centerfielder in his prime, Georgie is content to have A-Rod as the youngest position player at age 29, content with the right side, including Bernie Williams, all over 35? And he's happy go lucky with an old catcher and a 40+ year old anchoring the rotation?

 

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Doug:
I fucking love it. While the Spankees management remain focused on responding to their horrific beat down at the hands of Schilling and Company in an effort to win it all in 2005, they are blind to the fact that very soon they're going to find themselves in need of a centerfielder, second baseman, catcher and staff ace.

 

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Bill:
And 2005 is fah from a given for the Mystique and Aura punks from the Bronx.

 

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Doug:
I am so loving this Slappy McBluelips era of Yankees desperation moves by players and bosses alike.

 

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Thumbs Up?

Bill:
Congratulations to the Chicken Man for getting inducted into the Hall of Fame with 91.9 percent of the vote on a first time ballot!

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Fantastic. I always liked Boggsie, though during his career the knock against him was that he was a selfish player.

 

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Bill:
Course he was selfish. You don't become a self-confessed sex addict without a narcissistic streak, do you? But 5 batting titles is an awesome achievement.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Hell yeah it is! Speaking of titles, you see where this poor sap with a Red Sox blog is getting trounced in the nascent Best of Blog Awards?

 

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Bill:
Ah, for fuck's sake. You know winning isn't everything (except when playing the Spankees) but it's just wrong seeing one of our own, a proud member of Red Sox Nation getting the smack down like that.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Worse even. He's getting bitch slapped by an effin' soccer blog fercrissakes!

 

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Bill:
Hey, you know soccer is the most popular sport in the world.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
So I keep getting reminded every four years. But the last time I checked, I still live in the country that doesn't give a rat's ass about world opinion, right? Besides I don't trust any sport that doesn't allow for the use of hands.

 

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Bill:
No shit. The fucking opposable thumb is nature's gift to the primates.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
I heart my flippin' thumbs.

 

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Bill:
I bite my thumb at the hand hating soccer hooligans. [Laughs]

 

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Rider on Green Line:
'Nuff said. Vote early. Vote often.

 

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Touched by Angels

Mike:
It's official: Bud the Pud Selig approved the Johnson trade.

 

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Doug:
Man, it's flippin' amazin' how the Red Sox World Series victory has totally afforded me the ability to chill the fuck out.

 

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Mike:
No shit. Before I'd a been all "Fercrissakes what are we gonna do now!?!?" Now I'm all "I yawn that shit muthafuckahs."

 

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Doug:
Yeah, yeah, rathah than "Randy Johnson? Holy Fucking Crap!" I'm all "Randy Johnson, the guy who got out dueled by Masato Yoshii in the '99 NLDS." [Laughs]

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, somebody needs to tell the Angels to lighten the fuck up on the name changes. "The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim?" What in piss is up with that?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, the Valley Girls have only moved once but have changed their name four fucking times now.

 

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Mike:
What cracks me up is how the ACLU sued to get the cross removed from the LA County Seal, but now LA is officially associated with a ballclub called the Angels?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and with a fucking halo in their logo. Surely some fucktahd is going to claim he's being unfairly forced to endorse Christianity when he goes to a ballgame to watch the Angels in a public funds supported ballpark.

 

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Mike:
Abso-fucking-lutely. There's nothing worse than being scared shitless by random religious iconography in public spaces.

 

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Training to be a cage fighter

Bill:
So after reading Hohler's piece on Francona, you still think the manager is retahted?

 

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Doug:
Maybe I do need to reassess the situation. Then again being in a flippin' coma most of the season, would make it easy to be the kind of manager who "kept secrets, protected reputations, and prevented isolated personnel problems from mushrooming into destructive media conflagrations." [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
But whatevah it was, it worked, eh?

 

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Doug:
Fuck yeah it did. He can rock his ass off in the dugout and make questionable moves all he wants. Francoma's getting a free pass from me.

 

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Bill:
You are so absolutely full of shit. You'll be all ovah Francona's ass the first chance you get.

 

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Doug:
[Imitating the voice of Napoleon Dynamite] I'll do whatever I feel like I wanna do, gosh!

 

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Bill:
[Laughs] That was the sweetest flippin' movie of 2004.

 

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Doug:
Yeah all I do these day is watch Napoleon Dynamite and Faith Rewarded DVDs ovah and ovah again.

 

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