Saying good bye to a fantastic year

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? …

Tara:
A toast to the greatest year in Red Sox fan history!

 

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Susan:
Hear, hear!

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Happy New Year to Soxaholix far and wide! (And fuck Randy Johnson by the way. Skinny, mullet wearing freak.)

 

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Egotism, nature's compensation for mediocrity

Rumors of a Yankees leviathan begin to surface …

Marty:
Hey, Callaghan, I was just checking to see if everything is Jared Wright in your little soon to be second place again city.

 

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Bill:
Hey, Marty, get a hold of your diminutive self and press the down button on your elevator shoes. You still have to play the 162 don't forget.

 

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Marty:
Face it Billy Boy, we've got Wright and we'll eventually have Johnson and Beltre. Mights as well start printing the playoff tickets right now.

 

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Bill:
Don't forget, Marty, you still have to face the best of the best in the playoffs. Fact is your Spankees and Slappies haven't had what it takes to win it all for a couple of seasons now.

 

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Marty:
Say this slowly as your cry yourself to sleep in August, Callaghan: Jeter, Beltran, Rogriguez, Sheffield, Matsui, Williams, Martinez, Posada, and Womack. Not that's a lineup.

 

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Bill:
I don't see much evidence of championship leadership there. Just a bunch of mercenaries, errand boys sent by grocery clerks.

 

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Marty:
Ah, yes, "leadership." That's why your genius Theo Epstein overpaid for the very worst catcher in the American League with respect to throwing out runners.

 

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Bill:
Yes, indeed, Marty. Varitek's primary job isn't to throw out runners but to intimidate your sissy boys. How's that working out for you, Marts?

 

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Marty:
You wish, Billy. A-Rod in his second season is going to be awesome.

 

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Bill:
I'm so scared Marty. A-Fraud is all wrapped up in himself, but he makes a pretty small package.

 

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Chiquitita

When there's no baseball news and no blizzards, what's a Soxaholix to do? Well, pick on A-Rod of course …

Bill:
You know I'm as guilty of trying to find the bright side of a player's decline as the next fan …

 

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Mike:
Fuck yeah you are. If there's one truism about Red Sox fans it's our ongoing optimism. [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. In our world the glass is always half full. Of course, it's half full of fucking poison but that's beside the point. What I'm getting at is how Yankees fans are going out of their way to put a positive spin on A-Rod.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, I love all the "Sure the numbers says A-Rod is in a steady decline, but it's a great decline!"

 

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Bill:
I giggle with the irony to all these "if other teams could be so lucky to have a playa in so-called decline" whitewashes. The phrase you get what you pay for works both ways. Just because you can afford to pay best playa in the league salaries to guy who is no longer the best playa in the league, doesn't always mean that's a good thing.

 

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Mike:
My favorite can't see the forest for the trees problem with the A-Fraud postseason Spankees fan spin is the ol' if it wasn't for his manufacturing that winning run in the rubbah game of the ALDS, the Spankees wouldn't have made it to the next round.

 

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Bill:
Oh, no shit. Don't they know we Red Sox fans piss our pants with joy over the shadenfreade in that? No manufactured run against the Twins means no chance to witness the ultimate Slappy McBluelips humiliation.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, the manufactured run was like Napolean escaping exile on Elba only to meet his Waterloo shortly thereaftah.

 

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Bill:
Beautiful. Whenevah Slappy comes to bat at Fenway in '05, they should play Abba's Waterloo ovah the PA.

 

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Mike:
Great idea. And after he grounds out they could play Chiquitita as he walks his sorry ass back to the dugout. [Sings] "Chiquitita, you and I know. How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving."

 

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Bill:
Abba nevah gets fucking old.

 

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Girlfriend in a coma

Susan/Circle:
Appropriately enough, The Globe named Theo Epstein "Bostonian of the Year."

 

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Tara:
Bostonian of the Millennium would be even more apropos.

 

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Susan/Circle:
And we learn, alas, that he has a girlfriend who is "a critical presence in his life. " Weird way to put it if you ask me.

 

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Tara:
Maybe that's the stat head in Theo coming out. You know maybe he's thinking in terms of "emotional win shares" or something.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, whatev. Who knows what their deal's about. Truth is I'm just jealous and looking for reasons to poop in their little love nest.

 

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Tara:
Ah, freeing your inner reprobate. But no need for none of us ever had at a chance at getting under the boy wonder. Theo's boo isn't a fan, and he loves that  "they can go weeks at a time without discussing the game."

 

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Susan:
How sweet. Now pardon me while I puke in my own mouth.

 

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Tara:
Can you imagine the domestic scene? Girlfriend is all, "Honey, how was your day?" And Theo's all, "Awful. I traded one of the most popular players in franchise history and everybody hates me." And then she's like "Oh, poor you. But seriously does this skirt make my butt look big?" You know, all la dee flippin' da and all.

 

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Susan:
I loathe the casual fan bitches.

 

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Have yourself a …

To all the Soxaholix readers, thanks for making this strip a success and so much fun to do. Merry Christmas to all! — H.B. (Update: No strip today, Mon. 12/27/04. I lost of track of time reading about tsunami.)

Snowman:
Is it Spring yet?

 

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Varitek's in, battery recharged

Theo Epstein gives the Soxaholix (and Scott Boras) a little something for under the tree …

Bill:
Well, he'll be using a cane and eating Lipitor like its candy when his 4 year contract expires, still it's great news to have Varitek back.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, this is almost as good as 8 maids a milkin'. That's a fuck of a lot of money though for a 36 year old catcher, though.

 

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Bill:
I'm resolving myself to the idea that they're paying for 2 years moving forward and back paying for what Tek gave the club in 2003 and 4.

 

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Doug:
And don't forget the all important "intangibles" like punching pretty boy mouth off's in the noggin and shit.

 

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Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. And this Wade Miller signing makes for a nice colly bird to join the other 4.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, even the comatose one got animated. Says he told Epstein, "You've got me now. I'm excited about this team."

 

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Bill:
Of course, because being coach of the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox isn't very exciting on it's own or anything. But bring in a guy for one year who's coming off rotator cuff surgery and you've got Terry rocking his fucking Yule log.

 

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Pass the brie plate

Doug:
Clement seems to have the right stuff when it comes to words, at least.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, seems tough with his, "If I'm sore, if I don't feel right, I've always pitched through it."

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and as for his falling out of favor with the Cubs and Dusty Baker, I say what the fuck does Dusty Baker know? The guy's the African American version of Gumpy Grady Little.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, decides to shut down Clement on Sept 20th then proceeds to go out and lose 7 of the last 9.

 

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Doug:
Nobody puts Baby in the corner!

 

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Mike:
[Laughs] Fuck yeah. Clement should have pulled a Johnny Castle on Dusty. "This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine. You gotta hold the frame."

 

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Doug:
Nothing like quoting from Dirty Dancing, the cheesiest movie of all time.

 

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Mike:
No shit but the Baby in the corner line only came in second in the BBC poll of cheesiest movie lines all time.

 

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Doug:
What's your favorite cheesy Red Sox quote, player or management, all time?

 

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Mike:
Ah, that's fucking easy. Wade Boggs, "I am a sex addict." And yours?

 

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Doug:
More recent. Pedro: "Fifteen years ago I was sitting under a mango tree without 50 cents to actually pay for a bus. And today, I was the center of attention of the whole city of New York."

 

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Mike:
Yeah, that's a mofo classic. There's really a lot of great cheesiness over the years. We should compile a list and rank them on a cheese scale.

 

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Doug:
In the immortal words of the acting genius Swayze, "Ditto."

 

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Ghost of Christmas Past

Bill:
Finally, no more getting shotah every day days. Sol has returned.

 

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Mike:
Oh my fucking word. Have you been hanging out with that pagan chick in accounting or something? Next you'll be wearing a crystal and asking the goddess of pomegranates to spank your pileous ass.

 

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Bill:
[Laughs] Hey, the pagan is wicked hot for a wiccan witch. Besides with the Johnson trade going bust one gets a nice whiff of sunny days and springtime coming.

 

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Mike:
Wouldn't it be fitting if the Los Angeles nee Brooklyn Dodgers, archaic Yankees rivals, were the reason the trade fell through?

 

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Bill:
Even bettah is reading that Yankees righthander Javier Vazquez does not want to play for the Dodgers and refused to travel to Los Angeles for a physical.

 

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Mike:
You reap what you sow.

 

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Bill:
Karma fucking chameleon.

 

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Mike:
If you listen real closely, you can hear George Steinbrenner's hand on the grindstone … squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching.

 

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Bill:
The covetous old sinner yelling, "Cashman! Cashman! What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? Humbug, Cashman, humbug!"

 

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Imaginary friends (are overrated)

The Soxaholix await news on Varitek and prepare for a long winter …

Susan/Circle:
Did you have an imaginary friend when you were growing up, Doug?

 

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Doug:
What do you mean "When I was growing up?" … Some days now I feel like I exist solely in the minds of others.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I know the feeling. But, hey, at least the shrinkers have determined that having a pretend friend is emotionally healthy.

 

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Doug:
Oh sure. All is well and good until somebody gets hurt.

 

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Susan/Circle:
What are you saying? You had problems with your childhood pretend friend?

 

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Doug:
Fuck yeah I did. All was cool until my figmental friend went and got himself an imaginary agent.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Oh, no he didn't! For fuck's sake that is wrong on so many levels.

 

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Doug:
Tell me about it. I'd had this friend since I was 6, too. But the thing is the imaginary money wasn't the problem, of course. No, the bone of contention was the length of contract. The agent wouldn't negotiate a day less than 4 years.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Four years! What he fancied himself a franchise friend or something? No fucking hometown discount?

 

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Doug:
No shit. A regular Boras this guy was. So I say to the agent, "Look. I'm 10 fucking years old. In less than 4 years I'm going to hit puberty and I'm not going to need an imaginary friend so much as an imaginary slut to do imaginary things to the very real weewee I'll be holding in my pubescent hand. No way I can give you 4 years of imaginary friendship. I have to think of the future."

 

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Susan/Circle:
Right on. Gotta drive a hard bahgain. Not get locked in. So what happened?

 

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Doug:
Oh, get this. The imaginary agent of the imaginary friend is all "My client is very versatile. He's a utility friend, and can play many roles." And I'm like "You sick fuck. That's not my dealio."

 

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Susan/Circle:
Well, just goes to show, imaginary friendship is a business. Can't let sentiment get the better of you as they say.

 

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Doug:
Yep. As it goes, the imaginary friend signed with a kid up the street, Jerome, the guy who brought the net to our street hockey games and had the hot older sister.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Whateveh became of Jerome?

 

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Doug:
Oh, bad, bad subject. Let's just say Jerome went off to a Catholic Seminary after high school and leave it at that. My moms is still devahstated by it all. When we were teenagers, she'd always plea, "Why can't you be a good boy like Jerome?" But not any more. Not after what happened.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Man, truth sure is stranger than fiction.

 

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Doug:
I'll say. You can't make shit like this up if you tried.

 

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Short days, long nights

'Tis the season for second guessing …

Bill:
I don't know if it's due to a short days and long nights, but I spent the whole weekend depressed about the offseason moves.

 

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Mike:
You still think they overpaid for Renteria?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, but more so this Clement deal. Turns out the guy's a big fucking question mark and a potential Olsen twin emotional breakdown waiting to happen.

 

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Mike:
Since when is baseball strategy risk free? As for question marks and head cases, what they fuck was Pedro Martinez exactly?

 

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Bill:
True. I'm just not comfortable with what seems like a backslide into the old ways … Team doesn't resign Martinez, so they feel they must make a move and overpay Renteria. Team loses Schilling to the DL for all of April so they panic and sign Clement, a big uncertainty at a big price.

 

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Mike:
Lighten up, dude. The Baseball Prospectus guy, Will Carroll, thinks that Clements was a "great signing." If you really want to be depressed, imagine you're a fan of the Washington ex-Nationals.

 

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Bill:
What a fucking fiasco. Is it true, as Gammons reports, that they'll play the next two years in Norfolk?

 

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Mike:
Yep. Nor-fuck. The one city on the East Coast that even Baltimore can look down upon.

 

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Bill:
Angelos must be pissing in his pants with joy.

 

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Mike:
Knowing that bastahd, he probably considers Norfuck part of his Baltimore market little Ted Turner wannabe that he is.

 

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Bill:
They aren't going to be the Norfolk Nationals are they?

 

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Mike:
That would be lame-o. Hey, considering that Norfolk is the home port of the US Atlantic fleet, I think the Norfolk Seamen would be appropriate.

 

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