« August 2004 |
Main
| October 2004 »
The Sox fall to the Devil Rays and the Yankees sweep a twin bill from the Twins. The Division race is over …
Mike:
[Imitating the Donald]
Mr. Nelson, you're fired!
Bill:
Well, so much for this weekend's regular season ending series with Baltimore being important, but
after that Peskygate shit they pulled recently, I hope the Red Sox beat the fucking stuffing out of them just for the sake of it.
Mike:
What the fuck is wrong with Baltimore anyway? The national sports media can gush and spooge all they want over the vaunted Camden Fucking Yards, but it's time to face the truth. Camden Yards is nice enough an all but it's in fucking Baltimore fercrissakes! Wake up and smell the burning crack pipes.
Bill:
Yeah, you can fault Hollywood stereotypes and all that, but there's usually some validity to these things. Let's look at some of the fiction set in that shit hole. You remember that series "Homicide: Life on the Street"? What was that about?
Mike:
Hmmm … Murderers, rapists, arsonists, and crack whores.
Mike:
Gangbangers, druggies, child abusers, and crack whores.
Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. And HBO's "The Wire"?
Mike:
Corrupt cops, murderers, thieves, drug runners, rapists, and crack whores … and then there's
the films of John Waters
…
Bill:
Cross dressing shit eaters, tea baggers, chicken man, incestuous fornicators and Waters is actually
from
Baltimore. That whack job loves the fucking place.
Mike:
Hey, how's this for a t-shirt slogan: "My girlfriend went to Baltimore and all I got was this lousy STD"
Mike:
Thank your favorite supreme being DC's got a team now so baseball fans down there don't have to pad that asshole Peter Angelos' dirty pockets anymore.
Bill:
No shit, that piss ant actually makes Steinbrenner look good by comparison. At least ol' George uses his filthy lucre to field a championship club and not a bunch of laughingstock losers year in and out. [Laughs]
It takes 11 innings, but the Red Sox get it done, beating the Devil Rays and gaining ½ on the rained out Yankees …
Bill:
Ah, Derek Lowe …
Horrigan calls Lowe "enigmatic" in his column
today, but I'm not sure there's any mystery to Lowe.
Doug:
No shit. "Phlegmatic" is more like it. Five runs on eight hits in only 2 1/2 innings? I'm coughing up a loogy just thinking about this guy starting in the playoffs.
Doug:
Abso-fucking-lutely. Torre believes the problem dates back to a Sept. 17 start versus Boston, which was interrupted by rain.
Doug:
That or maybe Pedro's diminutive Dominican,
Mr. Nelson, really
is
a mofo lucky charm?
Bill:
Fuck yeah! Meanwhile, I hope someone's making sure the big guy Ortiz doesn't accidentally sit on the little shit and crushes the life out him …
The Red Sox clinched their second straight postseason spot with a 7-3 win over the Devil Rays …
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Hey, I know it's
just
the wildcard but after the morass that was May and June, we deserve a bit of the sparkily. [Everyone nods and takes a swig.]
Susan:
Tara, explain to me before I get too tipsy how the wild card magic number went from 2 to 1?
Tara:
If you look at he schedules of the three AL West contenders you find that 94 wins will lock … With the West clubs playing each other, only one could possibly reach 94 victories and that team would have to be the divisional winner … Home runs by Jesus, Manny, Tek, McCarty, and here we are.
Susan:
A toast to Theo Epstein for his playoff saving late season trade.
Tara:
Here here. And to the Red Sox for turning 56-46 and sinking into 94-62 with fortunes rising.
Susan:
Should we feel guilty celebrating when the Yankees "barely acknowledged" a playoff clinch last week?
Tara:
Fuck no, girlfriend! The Skankees have that wrinkled up pasty mean ol' white motherfucker breathing down their necks. They ain't allowed to have any fun. Massa Steinbrenner don't like no uppity players on his plantation. [Laughs]
Tara:
That's fucked up. You been hitting the good chronic or what? Don't bogart that shit, now. Help a sister out. [Laughs]
Susan:
No kidding. Mr. Nelson he calls him. I bettah slow down. This Moet's making me sweat.
The Red Sox take two of three from the Yankees in the club's final regular season home series…
Bill:
So if the Coma doesn't channel the ghost of Grady Little on
Friday night, the Sox sweep the Spankees?
Doug:
I'd fucking forgive Francona if he hadn't told the world he'd given up on beating Baltimore after Thursday night's game
to "protect" his bullpen.
Bill:
Between Francona's fucked up managerial
strategery
and Dale
condemn them
Sveum, it's going to be an uphill battle getting deep into October.
Doug:
Assuming we even get into October beyond next weekend in Baltimore. Plenty of time left for Terry tomfoolery to fuck up a sure thing.
Bill:
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what's worse. Having a starter who shits in his own pants with fear or one so stupid he breaks his own hand punching walls?
Doug:
All I know is thank God and Theo Epstein we have Curt Schilling on our side.
Bill:
Amen to that. And if Schilling isn't the
number one starter
going into the post season, I'll start punching walls.
The Red Sox fall to the Orioles, splitting the four game series and losing a game in the Division race to the now playoff clinched Yankees …
Susan/Circle:
So Francoma was trying "to protect some people" last night he says and that's why Myers stayed in forever and before turning to the non playoff rostered BK Kim?
Susan/Circle:
Someone should remind Terry he's not running for President so there's no need to just make shit up as you go along. Simple question: Are we playing for the wildcard or the division, Terry?
Mike:
Good luck getting the truth. Does anyone ever give a straight answer to anything these days? It's a fucking pathetic state of affairs everywhere I turn.
Susan/Circle:
I'm resolving myself to kissing the wildcard frog with the hope it'll turn into a prince in my Red Sox fairy tale.
Mike:
Yeah, speaking of fairy tales, somebody tell Little Bo Peep to stop the hunt for her fucking sheep and get down to the serious business of finding Lowe's lost sinkerball.
Susan/Circle:
No joke. Two innings one start, five the next from our little Thumbelina.
Susan/Circle:
Well, Johnny Dreamboat Damon has an open invite to come over to my place anytime to help me relax.
It took 12 innings, but the Red Sox get the win over the Orioles …
Bill:
The Orioles are killing me. Talk about fucking pesky. Jeez.
Bill:
The man seems to be doing everything in his power to keep me from going to the polls. Isn't there anyone on his fucking staff, presumably made up of a couple of people from Boston, who are Sox fans?
Doug:
No shit. It's perplexing. Anyone who understands the rivalry could have told him that respecting the Yankees while unabashedly hating them would win him the votes from both Red Sox fans and Spankees fans.
Bill:
Yeah, someone should tell Carville, "It's about baseball, stupid!" for fuck's sake.
Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. [Laughs] Seriously, though, I do everything I can to avoid foul language in front of kids, especially at Fenway.
Doug:
I'll do you one bettah: I do everything I can to avoid kids at all costs. Little fucking ritalin laced soccer loving disease spreading snot heads. [Laughs]
Bill:
Yeah, Doug, don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel. [Laughs] Don't you have nieces and nephews you fawn ovah?
Doug:
Yeah, and that's how I caught the fucking flu of death last year. No more I say. [Laughs]
Finally the Red Sox vanquish the Orioles (but almost didn't) …
Mike:
Somebody get A.C. Nielsen on the phone and find out how many TVs in New England when Javy Lopez yanked Foulke's hanger over the Wall.
Doug:
And while you're at it, call the folks at the Suicide Hotline and find out how many fuckers they had to talk out of pulling a Kavorkian.
Mike:
You figure they have to prescreen the counselors at those places to weed out the Sox fans?
Doug:
For fuck's sake they'd have to. Can you imagine the call otherwise? [Imitating distraught fan] "I can't take the Red Sox anymore. I'm going to put a shotgun in my mouth." [Imitating deranged counselor] "Well, hurry the fuck up you retahd. The Red Sox will kill ya either way."
Doug:
I don't even want to fucking think about it. I'm still quivering from the near death experience of last night.
Doug:
Five fucking more games to go against Baltimore, too.
Mike:
Fucking-A … time to open one of the P H EN TER MINE, C1AL1S, V1C0D1N subject line emails I get ten thousand of a day and order some of those strong overseas pain numahs.
Doug:
No shit. And get some skuper viakgra while you're at it.
Yankees lose but so do the Red Sox and no ground is gained …
Mike:
Let me get this straight: Baltimore is 8-4 on the season against our guys and they are fucking 5-1 at Fenway!?!?
Susan/Circle:
When will the Red Sox win the World Series? Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Mike:
Oh, for fuck's sake. Here's a guy who gets a blister just wiping his ass, and now we learn he can't pitch with a hangover? What a pussy.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, Babe Ruth he isn't.
After a remarkable come from behind win on Friday, the rest of Yankees series become an ass whooping at the Sox' expense …
Bill:
Mondays are always tough, but this one today really sucks …
Doug:
What the fuck just happened? 14-1? 11-1? Cancel the Yankee humiliation parties.
Bill:
Yeah, history nevah repeats except every fucking time it does.
Bill:
Another year of sloppy seconds. Worse, I've lost faith in my belief that no matter how the season ends the Red Sox can beat the Spankees in the post season.
Doug:
Well, don't look to me to play the role of cheerer fucking upper — But the nobody evah said the '04 Yankees were lacking in offense. It all goes back to pitching, or lack thereof. Pedro was awful and Lowe was worse.
Bill:
Yeah, all the Sox need to do is go kick some ass in Baltimore.
Doug:
Oh, right. Of course. Beating Baltimore has worked out so fucking well this year.
Doug:
Bra-fucking-oh! A most remarkable milestone.
Bill:
Yeah, remind me again how the Sox had two 20 gamers in '02 but failed the make the playoffs?
Bill:
Right, that was the year of the Mickey Mouse Club. Curse of the David Eckstein. Another fucking season of repressed painful memories.
Bill:
Speaking of goofy fucking costumes, you ready to see those raggedy assed Pinstripes all weekend or what?
Doug:
Man, I'm so ready to see the Cornrow Kid go up against the now Juiceless Joke Giambi.
Bill:
Yeah, don't worry Jason, Bronson doesn't intentionally throw at .214 hitters, either, even if they are former doper lying sacks of shit.
Soxaholix Community
Content created by and for Soxaholix readers:
