Damn, meddling kids

The Red Sox were off on Monday and start an important series with AL wild card contenders the Angels …

Doug:
"Good morning, Angels. It's your unseen pervert Svengali, Charley here. Just want to tell you ladies it's time for your 10 game win streak to come to a close."

 

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Mike:
Let's hope so. That little shit Eckstein is killing us. He's a ridiculous 15-for-26 against the Sox this season, a .577 average.

 

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Doug:
Hey, why can't we get players like that. Speaking of, I was up in Eckstein's old stomping grounds last night watching the Youk's rehab.

 

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Mike:
McCarty, too, right? How'd they look.

 

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Doug:
Fan-fucking-tastic. Each had a run and two hits in three at bats.

 

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Mike:
I love LeLacheur. Wish I woulda thought to go. Fuck.

 

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Doug:
What were you too busy in a puppy pile at a cuddle party you fucking fruit loop? [Laughs] The Spinners rule.

 

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Mike:
Best fucking logo in "A" Ball.

 

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Doug:
You mean the original one, right? Agree totally. But you know they went and fucked it up with an "Alternate Logo"?

 

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Mike:
Ah, that sucks, man. Is that to make it more kid friendly or some such shit?

 

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Doug:
Who the fuck knows. But if so, what the fuck is wrong with kids? Baseball itself isn't enough of a draw? You have to a grinning lizard to get your pip squeak little ritalin addicted ass focused?

 

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Mike:
No, shit. If our generation is having to resort to cuddle parties because of a "touch deficit," what the fuck are the kids today gonna be like?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, big time mess. These kids can't even get Halloween straight for fuck's sake.

 

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No long faces these days

The Red Sox sweep the Tigers and are playing their best baseball of the season. The Soxaholix are cautiously optimistic …

Bill:
A six game win streak. 4 and ½ in back of the Spanks. I'm so happy I've gone alexic … I can't even read my own fucking thought bubbles.

 

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Doug:
I'm so fucking happy that I could put on a fucked up outfit consisting of a red kilt, green beret, black shiny shoes, for instance, and run after an Olympics marathoner and then just pummel his skinny, blood pissing sorry excuse for living just for the fuck of it, you know? [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
Can you believe the only thing separating the Sox and the motherfucking Yankees are the goddamn teabaggers from Baltimore?

 

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Doug:
No shit. It's the Curse of the Mazzili all the way, just as we said back in early June.

 

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Bill:
Schilling says we are coming into the "biggest nine games of the year." Anaheim and Texas at home, Oakland on the Left Coast.

 

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Doug:
Perfect timing. These Red Sox are on fucking fie-ah … six straight wins, 12 of last 13 games and 18 of last 22, improving their record to a season-high 23 games over .500 …

 

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Bill:
Hey, remember all the stat head numbers geeks saying the Sox weren't going to be much because everyone had so called career years last season?

 

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Doug:
Fuck yeah. It was statistical anomaly this and normal distribution that …

 

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Bill:
Well, where's the pocket protector set on this shit? "David Ortiz, Varitek and Kevin Millar all are having better seasons, and since he had his knee scoped, Bill Mueller has been the same player as 2003."

 

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Doug:
Ah, no need for long faces, stats dudes. We all make mistakes.

 

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Rock on

The Red Sox continue to beat the teams they are supposed to going 4-1 over Detroit to start a homestand …

Mike:
This is just the kind of thing you wish for: Arroyo throws 103 pitches (69 strikes) and allows one unearned run on just six hits …

 

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Doug:
Not to take anything away from he of the "high leg kick and shock of blond hair," but what made the difference last night was FranComa finally getting the plug of chew out of his unremarkable ass and pulled the kid at just the right moment, just as he was tiring.

 

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Mike:
Do you think the Francona Crotch is autistic?

 

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Doug:
Oh, he's motherfucking retah-ted for sure.

 

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Mike:
Seriously, what's with all the fucking rocking back and forth in the dugout? It's one of the classic symptoms, you know?

 

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Doug:
Fuck that would explain a lot, like his absence or impairment of imaginative play … FranComa is so unimaginative he makes Jimy Little look like the Bobby fucking Fisher of the baseball chess match.

 

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Mike:
No fucking shit. And maybe that's why Terry shaves his dome — it prevents him from obsessive hair twirling, another common sign of autism.

 

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Doug:
But I thought those autistics were all Rain Man and shit, computing square roots and telling you the GDP of Iceland and what not? The FranComa is dumb as a stone.

 

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Mike:
Ah, that's Hollywood shit, dude. Do you also think Shoeless Joe Jackson lives in a cornfield in East Bumfuck Iowa like in the movie? [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Fuck next you'll be telling me Babe Ruth doesn't wander around Fenway like the Ghost of Christmas Past in that HBO movie. [Laughs]

 

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Mike:
Anyway, if the rocking helps prevent Francona from blowing more games with piss poor decisions, then I say rock on motherfucker, rock on.

 

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Hot Guy of the Day

The Red Sox win big again, banging Toronto with an 11-5 hit fest …

Bill:
Schilling shuts the front door! 6 and one third strong, making him 16-6. I'm Schpicey!

 

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Doug:
I motherfucking love the man, in a manly man's way, of course, despite his haircut.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, Fucking Silva beat me to the punch with that Flock of Seagulls reference. Too fucking funny.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, you've gotta get up pretty fucking early in the morning to top the Big Dawg.

 

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Bill:
OK, enough of Space Age Love Songs, dude. Did you know that in eight of the Sox' last 17 games Johnny Damon has led off the game with a hit. The Sox have won all eight of those games, and are 20-10 when Damon starts the game with a hit, including 14 of 15 such occasions?

 

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Doug:
No shit, and on top of that the Damon can't see for shit after the noggin knocking last October.

 

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Bill:
Jesus it's a miracle!

 

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Doug:
Arrrrrroyo tonight. The Sox' third best starter at the moment.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, he of the "high leg kick, string-bean frame and shock of blond hair poking out from the back of his cap" [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
I saw that. You think Silverman is trying to get a job writing for Out Magazine or something? Fuck. May as well start telling us how the kid smells and what Kenneth Cole footwear he fancies. [Laughs]

 

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Another one runner

The Red Sox win another one run game beating the Blue Jays 5-4 …

Bill:
Let me get this straight: the Sox have one their last 3 one run games and 4 of their last 7?

 

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Mike:
And the former Manchurian Candidate, Ramiro Mendoza is being described as a "weapon" by none other than Foulke?

 

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Bill:
Even Terry Francona Crotch is acting like he's been taking smart pills, deciding to let Tek start the 3 game suspension in Toronto since backup catcher Doug Mirabelli had experienced success at SkyDome in the past and did so again with that go ahead 3 run-a-roni? Fuck yeah.

 

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Mike:
Only thing this team is lacking is Sharon Davies doing post game interviews.

 

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Bill:
"One if by land, two if by sea. The British are coming!" [Laughs]

 

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Mike:
Don't let Nanny Powell of the FCC hear you say that. He'll be down here hot saucing your 1st Amendment mouth, boy. [Laughs]

 

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No blue period, Pablo

The Red Sox win streak comes to an end as the team loses 3 zip facing a very impressive Ted Lilly of the Blue Jays …

Doug:
Wonder if Millar will be talking about how many games back of the Yankees they are, or if Timlin will talk about how the old Yankees pitching staff is going to have problems again? Fucking Red Sox.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Oh, so you're one of those fans whom Horrigan, thinking he's so fucking clever, compares to Munch's painting "The Scream"? Is this loss really "shocking"?

 

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Doug:
"Lilly Picasso?" Give me a break. The offense was dead as that fucked up dude lying at the bottom of Pablo's Guernica painting.

 

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Susan/Circle:
The team just won 6 straight? You seriously think they'll win every one?

 

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Doug:
Hey, it's like Tek said in his mailbag. "The fans here want players who grind it out in the good and the bad times".

 

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Susan/Circle:
That goes for the fans, too, Doug. Grind it out through thick and thin instead of getting your little, and I do mean little, Calvin Klein briefs all bunched up. [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Whatev. I stand by my sentiments.

 

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Susan/Circle:
You are soft. If you suffer at this, think how you'd feel among the lettuce pickers of Salinas? Buck the fuck up, dude.

 

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"The breadth of my penis."

The Red Sox sweep Chicago and their hot streak continues …

Bill:
When's the last time you've seen back-to-back homeroni's to regain a lead?

 

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Doug:
Un-fucking-believable. Not only back to backs but first pitch meatballs ass well! Manny and Ortizle: the most lethal 1-2 punch in baseball these days … they rank first and second in the American League in home runs, slugging percentage and extra-base hits.

 

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Bill:
Hey, A-Rod and Sheffield … How's that sloppy seconds working out for you?

 

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Doug:
And what about that first inning gem by Mint to rob that whacko Jurassic Carl of a base hit? Theo's trade is looking better every day.

 

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Bill:
Fuck yeah. And what about Tiny Timlin tiptoeing through a nine-pitch struggle with Ross Gload, who popped out, then winning an eight-pitch showdown by getting Timo Perez to fly to center?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, Timlin says the Yankees have always been in his sites … screw the mild card, the dude wants to win the AL East.

 

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Bill:
Can you fucking believe we can say five and half back and AL East lead in the same sentence? Are you happy or what?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, I'm so happy today I wanted to say to my Dunkin' Donuts register person that my penis was broad. "My dick is broad" I would say, or "Do you understand how broad my cock is?" Maybe simply, "The breadth of my penis."

 

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Bill:
And, at five and a half back, your register person would understand that there are times when ambiguity is not a failure to tend to a specific concern, but rather, is an articulation of the limits of concern.

 

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Doug:
Fuck, yeah, they would. It's gangbang weathah again!

 

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White Water Action

The Red Sox were off last night, but there's plenty to talk about …

Mike:
What the fuck, was I totally asleep or what as this is the first I'm hearing of the Clemens thing.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Hell, yeah. You must have had your head stuck up your ass or maybe you were getting a boner watching men's water polo.

 

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Mike:
Hey, that shit's for real. You read about all the brutality that goes on under water?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Ah, no. Can't say I have.

 

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Mike:
It's nuts. Guys get bit and shit. Held under water until they can't breathe. And fucking people are worried about scuffing the ball cheating in baseball? This is some real illegal action.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Hot man on man action. Oh, joy. [Laughs] Caption this please!

 

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Mike:
Heh. ""Crest Whitening Strips -- official whitener of the US Water Polo team -- and remember, they're not just for teeth anymore."" [Both Laugh] Your turn.

 

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Susan/Circle:
How about letting our dear readers take a turn? Comments are open …

 

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A little light in August

The Red Sox sweep Toronto and are now a season high 15 games above .500 …

Mike:
Right on. The Sox are now only one game off last year's pace.

 

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Doug:
Wakefield's got his mofo mojo back on the knuckler!

 

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Mike:
No, shit. Fuck cheering at the Olympics, those bikini bitches need to get their skanky asses to the ballpark to cheer the Master of the Dry Spitter.

 

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Doug:
[Imitating a cheer] "Go Timmy! Go Timmy! Whooooooooooo!" [Laughs] Abso-fucking-lutely.

 

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Mike:
You getting any October wood, yet?

 

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Doug:
I confess I am. The 7-3 homestand left me with more reasons to believe than doubt a run in October.

 

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Mike:
And Texas will fade like they usually do late in the season.

 

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Doug:
Right. Don't look for a Rangers slide just yet, give it a few more weeks. Everyone talks about the heat in Arlington, but it's hot most everywhere in August. It's September 15th with the temps at 103 that drives all but the natives insane.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, and once the Cowboys start playing games for real … Whoosh, that giant sucking sound you just heard is every Rangers fan tuning out baseball and tuning into the Tuna full time.

 

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Doug:
Fuck, yeah. Not just the NFL but the high school Friday Night Lights as well. That's some serious shit to the ranch hands, cow pokes, and botoxed, bleached blondes in starched blue jeans of the Texas fan base.

 

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Mike:
[singing] Texas hoedown, this is the lowdown You're full of shit, destined to go down.

 

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Don't fuck with the book learning

The Red Sox vanquish the Blue Jays on a walk off double from the unlikeliest hero, Orlando Cabrera …

Bill:
Thank you Orlando Cabrera! And, yes, we do deserve it.

 

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Doug:
Ah, yes, "redemption." Love that mofo shit. It's Tony Orlando Cabrera and Dawn and I'm knocking 3 times on the ceiling … [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
Man, I'm getting whiplash reading the Dirt Dog this week. It's like he's picking the petals off a daisy saying, "I love them. I hate them. I love them. I hate them."

 

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Doug:
Not that your own Red Sox love has ever flip-flopped, right? [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
Well, you know what they say, being a Red Sox fan is like being in a codependent relationship with a cold hard bitch … 'cept worse!

 

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Doug:
Hey, dude, if you ever need relationship advice, just go to your boy Kerry. He's full of it. [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
Heh. Yeah, says he likes his women "saucy"

 

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Doug:
Shit, I saw that. Trying to figure out if that was honest, a Freudian slip, or a most unctuous overture to his wife the Ketchup Lady.

 

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Bill:
I think Presidential Nominee John Kerry is one cunning linguist. That's what I think. [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Fuck, yeah, he is. But I bet he had to read the book first. Dining in and eating out don't come natural to the pall bearer.

 

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Bill:
Hey, don't fuck with the book learning, especially considering your guy Bush has nevah read one [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
OK, OK. [Laughs] But the deeper politically important, rock the fucking vote question here is: If Kerry is a supporter of the French mouth music and does like his women saucy, what is his metaphorical sauce of choice: ketchup or Nuoc Cham?

 

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Bill:
Fuck yeah. Someone get Tim Russert on the line. Fuck where you stand on health care. The fucking people need to know where the candidates stand on this box lunch sauce issue.

 

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Ever play second?

The Red Sox open the final series of their 10 game homestand with a win over Toronto …

Susan:
Did Francona really say to Mint regarding playing second, "if you can do it for an inning or two, why not a full game"?

 

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Mike:
Why not? We've got a guy in the White House with a dubious record of National Guard service now landing on aircraft carriers and strutting around like he's the second coming of Sun Tzu … and we've got the dweeb who wants to replace him saluting everyone he meets and saying 5 months in Viet Nam makes him the next U.S. Grant.

 

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Susan:
Good point. It's like that TV commercial except for real. You know, "Hey, Francona, you ever manage a team to a World Series?" "No, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night." [Laughs]

 

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Mike:
Yeah, Carlos Delgado brought some reality to the situation. Man, that was take down.

 

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Susan:
And the boy toy Mientkiewicz popped back up like the hero he is. Bestill my lusty heart. [Laughs]

 

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Kick those legs!

The Red Sox lose Sunday to Chicago thereby sadly losing the three game home series as well …

Bill:
I hate losing to the hog butchers.

 

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Doug:
Fuck yeah. Don't those husky, brawling fucks have some tools to make or some wheat to stack or some shit?

 

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Bill:
Don't you love the excitement of a 3 way race for the illegitimate child card?

 

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Doug:
Abso-fucking-lutely. And I love this offseason bullpen weakness plugging. No more giving away games in the late innings. Fuck no. Theo's built a mofo juggernaut in Embree and Timlin.

 

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Bill:
If this shit keeps up I'm going to have to pretend I actually give a shit about the dopers and bizarre sport freaks at the O-dink-ics.

 

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Doug:
Fuck Yankees Red Sox. Give me the rivalry of Ian Thorpe and Michael Phelps any day!

 

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Bill:
Whoo-hoo! Swimming! Kick those legs harder motherfucker. I'm on the edge of my seat for that shit.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, if I hear NBC tell me one more fucking time how and why I should give a shit about badminton, I'm going to start breaking shit.

 

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Bill:
Hey, Bob Costas, I've got Just for Men on the phone wanting to know if you want a bulk discount on their hair coloring you phony little shit. [Laughs]

 

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A Bostonian Rhapsody

P. Martinez pitches his first complete game shut out since '00 and the Red Sox are 13 games above .500 …

Mike:
[Singing to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody] Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

 

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Doug:
[Continuing the Queen song theme] I see a silhouetto of an inside fastball.

 

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Mike:
Rocco-delli, Rocco-delli will you do the fandango? Cut fastball and changeup very, very frightening me.

 

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Doug:
Little Pedro! Little Pedro!

 

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Mike:
Lil' Pedro, we will not let him go. No, we will not let him go! [Both laugh]

 

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Doug:
The word in the press box is "There aren't a lot of reasons to feel pessimistic right now. The Sox have hit .354 over their last five games, the defense is much-improved …"

 

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Mike:
Yeah, well, happy Friday the Fucking 13th, dude. How's that good luck shit been working out for you over the years?

 

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Cookin' With Millar

The Red Sox clobber Tampa Bay (like they are supposed to) and everyone breaths a wee bit easier …

Susan/Circle:
So Kapler was right after the opening homestand loss to Tampa Bay. They did take the next two. Thank your favorite supreme being for small miracles.

 

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Mike:
No shit. And apologies are due to Kevin KFC Millar.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Four for four and a 3 run homer. Lovin' it.

 

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Mike:
You've gotta KFC what's cookin' with Millar. Fucking-A-right. No more kicking that dude around like a chicken in West Virginia.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Now if only Manny could fully recover from his avian

Posted on 2004.08.12 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Who wants to cuddle?

The Red Sox rally to beat the Devil Rays …

Bill:
Hello, Dr. Kevorkian's office? Yes, this is Bill Callaghan, I need to cancel, or rather postpone, my scheduled assisted suicide. … No, no, don't take me off your mailing list …

 

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Doug:
A two-out rally in the sixth leading to five runs? I forgot such a thing was fucking possible.

 

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Bill:
Heh. And does Charles Bronson Arroyo give righties a death wish or what?

 

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Doug:
The dude Bronson is ice. Good quality to have in these parts. Did you read that bit from Gammo about the anonymous agent's anethma to signing players "east of the Mississippi or north of the Mason-Dixon Line"?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, welcome to Oz, Toto. [Laughs] Though, you know, I've always wondered if it's really that bad playing in New York? Remove the old dink Steinbrenner from the picture and what have you got? A city of 8 million where 9 out of 10 people could really give a shit about the Yankees? Where the majority have never even heard of Derek Jeter?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, New Yorkers have so many other diversions and perversions … like cuddle parties for instance.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, while we're up heah dying and shit over the Red Sox, New Yankers are getting pop tents in their p.j.'s while casually molesting, er, I mean communicating with perfect strangers as a supposed form of relaxation.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, that's whacked. Would nevah fly in Boston. I'd be all in my Nomar pajamas and shit, getting a good grope on with some Southie chick in one hand and while in my other hand I'd be dialing up my celly to check the scoreboard.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, and the Southie chick'd be doing the same fucking thing.

 

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Doug:
Fuck relaxation, anyway. That shit is way overrated. Give me up tight maniacal anxiety and untoward compulsion any day of the week.

 

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Posted on 2004.08.11 | Permalink | Comments (7)

Why are we here?

Oh, boy, that ain't any way to start a homestand: Sox (and Schilling) lose to Tampa Bay …

Doug:
Hello, 9-1-1? Yes, this is an emergency … I need to report a missing offense. Help me, please. I'm scared.

 

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Mike:
[Angrily] Seven times Ortiz or Mueller made the last out of the inning?!?! Why do I fucking bother?

 

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Doug:
I've been sick in the past — steadily and truly — and yet, I am sick now in a way that makes me want to say that I was never sick at all, until here, until now.

 

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Mike:
[Snorts] Maybe you caught Manny's fucking plague. What does that guy do in his free time anyway visit leper colonies? Hang out in hospitals? Drink from other people's glasses? How the fuck does a healthy man get sick for two weeks every fucking summah?

 

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Doug:
I love this from Francona Crotch: "It's a funny game. Because we didn't win tonight, there's no alternative than to show up and go, because that's why we're here." Jesus Christ this is the guy managing the club?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, so what's the fucking converse of that logic: If they had won last night would the alternative be to not show up and not go? Why the fuck are you here, Terry? Jeez.

 

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Doug:
Right-O. And, as many have said, it looks like Varitek has the makings of a future manager. He's got this shit figured out big time: "Every game is important for us now. We need to win a lot of games." [Laughs]

 

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Mike:
Fuck yeah. I feel a whole lot better now that I've had this perplexing puzzle of wins and losses elucidated for me. [Both laugh]

 

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Continue reading "Why are we here?" »

Posted on 2004.08.10 | Permalink | Comments (7)

A restless fandom awaits

The Red Sox end a 6-5 road trip with consecutive wins and find themselves in a 3-way tie for the Wild Card…

Doug:
Bienvenidos, Señor Ortiz! Two runs in his first game back on Saturday and three more yesterday with a three-run homer …

 

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Bill:
And the Ortizzle leads the Sox with 98 ribbies and is only two behind league leader Tejada. Let's just not throw any more temper tantrums, big guy. [Chortles]

 

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Doug:
Back to [coughs] friendly fucking Fenway for 20 of the next 26. [Snickers]

 

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Bill:
[Imitating a news anchor's voice] As the calendar turns and a restless fandom anxiously awaits a solid run of success, the Sox also are poised to face an even greater level of scrutiny than when they departed. [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Uh, yeah, bitches. I'm scrutinizing the mother out of your homestand homely asses. Don't ruin the rest of my fucking summah. [Both laugh]

 

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Bill:
Fucking-A right, don't fucking have me mothballing my "Battling Evil" t-shirt come Labor Day.

 

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Doug:
[Laughs] And get Manny on some bad ass pharmaceutical dope. What the fuck is wrong with this country anyway? We can cure sad old man limp dickness with not just one but several competing pills but there's jack shit for a sore throat? Priorities people. Fucking priorities here.

 

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Posted on 2004.08.09 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Minty Fresh

The Red Sox were off last night, in the interim Nomargate continues apace …

Tara:
Did you hear the latest on our whilom ShortStud?

 

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Susan/Circle:
He lied about WMD?

 

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Tara:
[Laughs] That and he really hurt his heel when killing Laci Peterson. Nomar's a serial killer, you know?

 

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Susan/Circle:
[Laughs] I definitely feel dead now that he's gone. Cabrera may be better defensively, but I'll always want Nomar in the hole.

 

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Tara:
What about Doug Mientkiewicz?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Hella yes. I'd let him show me what men do in prisons.

 

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Tara:
Mint may be the new number 1 on the "Red Sox Players: Hot or Not?"… Displacing Tek even.

 

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Susan/Circle:
OK. I've got to go. Got a date with a dildo. [Laughs]

 

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Tara:
Good, always the indefinite article. "A" dildo and not "your" dildo. [Laughs]

 

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Continue reading "Minty Fresh" »

Posted on 2004.08.06 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Send Sveum to the showers

The Sox can't manage a road sweep and lose to Tampa Bay …

Bill:
Man, the Dirt Dog has become like a pit bull with his jaw locked on a hunk of meat over this Nomar thing. [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Not surprising. El Perro Sucio was always the skeptic over the Nomar injury … Remember his sheath scoop that was quickly refuted? Seems the motherfucking chickens have come home to roost.

 

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Bill:
Here's something positive: top prospect Hanley Ramirez has been promoted to double A.

 

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Doug:
Hey, don't go all pollyanna positive on me, dude. Didn't you see that troll in the Bambino's Curse comments yesterday calling us pissahs and moanahs? We gotta live up to expectations. [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
Like pissing and moaning is a bad thing? I was born pissing and moaning fercrissakes.

 

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Doug:
Speaking of, last night I dreamt that I pissed on Dale Sveums's head. I entered the restroom, approached the urinal, and started pissing, when suddenly I realized it was not a urinal at all … but Dave Sveum.

 

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Bill:
[Imitating a German, Freud like accent] Dat es most intavesting. Do go on.

 

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Doug:
As I began to protest (to the dream itself) I understood that I must have known it was him. I felt ashamed, yet wronged. I also felt like the only thing I ever wanted to happen was finally happening.

 

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Bill:
[Laughs] This is not surprising. Sveum is a fucking nightmare.

 

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Doug:
Jeezum effin crow. Someone please tell me what is so fucking difficult about coaching 3rd base?

 

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Continue reading "Send Sveum to the showers" »

Posted on 2004.08.05 | Permalink | Comments (7)

Like Father Like Son

While Nomargate (You lied! No, you lied continues, the Red Sox went out and had a great win over the D-Rays behind a complete game performance from Curt Schilling …

Mike:
If it wasn't for Curt Schilling, they'd have me on a suicide watch right about now.

 

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Doug:
Curt Schilling is the motherfucking man because he, in his own words, "wants to be part of the cure instead of the problem."

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, are we going to have to call in Ken Starr to find out what the meaning of "is" is with Nomar, Tellem, Henry and the rest? For fuck's sake, can we fucking move on now? Nomar, please shut your fucking pie hole and get over yourself. The former number 5 does protest too much methinks.

 

---

Doug:
Speaking of former players who are, how shall we say it, careless with the truth, have you heard that Clemens now demands an apology for the Little League incident?

 

---

Mike:
Get the fuck out! The dude spits sunflower seeds on an umpire's leg to protest a call against his son in Little League and now he wants an apology?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, Sprocket says none of it is true. Suggests we should "know him better than that." [Laughs]

 

---

Mike:
Ah, the irony! The guy who always blames others for his misfortunes, be it John McNamara, Terry Cooney, Dan Duquette, or Mike Piazza, and who has a bit of an anger management problem now expects us to believe his side of the story?

 

---

Doug:
Sorta like how we all believed he was retiring last year? What a douche bag.

 

---

Mike:
From the Roger Clemens guide to teaching your kid about baseball: Spit on umps. Check. Blame others. Check. Wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoelaces and eye black then when the ump doesn't give you the strike zone you want, unload a cuss laced stream of vindicative upon him, get ejected, smash a water cooler and threaten a fan as you depart, advanced lesson, will teach to K-K-Kacy in Babe Ruth League. The Art of Lying, ongoing lesson, always room to improve. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Christ, wait 'til fucking Nomar has kids. He can teach them all about looking unhappy and sitting forlorn on the dugout while the kids' team mates are all on their feet cheering a rally on.

 

---

Posted on 2004.08.04 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Et tu, Belhornus?

The Red Sox beat the Devil Rays but we learn Mark Belhorn has a fractured left thumb …

Susan/Circle:
Another day, another Red Sox player goes down to injury.

 

---

Mike:
The offense is getting weaker, weaker, weaker …

 

---

Susan/Circle:
All hail Ceasar Crespo! [Laughs]

 

---

Mike:
Guess we'll see how Theo's "the problem is the defense" hypothesis holds up.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
On the bright side, at least we get to see Youkilis every day again. Nice first pitch swinging double last night.

 

---

Mike:
On the dark side, the team still seems so fucking lifeless. At times, suddenly I understand old men in rockers, bats in Colorado caves, tiny lice crawling into the eyes of dead birds.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
No shit. This whole season has been like being a horny 'Bama belle whose vibrator has been just been confiscated. Can't get no fucking relief.

 

---

Continue reading "Et tu, Belhornus?" »

Posted on 2004.08.03 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ramon Samon

The Sox drop two to the Twins over the weekend, but everything is overshadowed by the stunning Nomar trade …

Bill:
As stereotyped and caricatured Red Sox fan, I know I'm supposed to be going all Jack Torrance with an ax in hand over this Nomah trade …

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, how did Silva put it? You're supposed to be all mad that your Nomah posters have to come down from your bedroom walls and grouchy that you can't wear your #5 jerseys to work no more. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
Exactly. Even the stat head pocket protector wearing geeks are saying Theo got hosed.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, but Gammo is ready to get out the vote for an Epstein/Depodesta presidential ticket.

 

---

Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. I'm a citizen of the Theocracy. I'm beyond ready for a Red Sox team made up of players who think about winning more than their next contract.

 

---

Doug:
Of course, [makes sound of a whiny, mamby pamby voice] this is so tough on the kids boo hoo hoo. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
Note to parents, two words: Ritalin and Prozac. Dope those little fuckers the hell up. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Fuck yeah, I think the only thing I hate more than kids are the breeders who have them. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
[Laughs] So I guess we won't be seeing you at the Company's annual summer family picnic next week, eh?

 

---

Doug:
Depends. What is the Company policy on picnic attire? For instance, can I be clothed in a manner that would cause discomfort or offense to others?

 

---

Posted on 2004.08.02 | Permalink | Comments (0)

The Red Sox rally to beat the Devil Rays …

Bill:
Hello, Dr. Kevorkian's office? Yes, this is Bill Callaghan, I need to cancel, or rather postpone, my scheduled assisted suicide. … No, no, don't take me off your mailing list …

 

---

Doug:
A two-out rally in the sixth leading to five runs? I forgot such a thing was fucking possible.

 

---

Bill:
Heh. And does Charles Bronson Arroyo give righties a death wish or what?

 

---

Doug:
The dude Bronson is ice. Good quality to have in these parts. Did you read that bit from Gammo about the anonymous agent's anethma to signing players "east of the Mississippi or north of the Mason-Dixon Line"?

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, welcome to Oz, Toto. [Laughs] Though, you know, I've always wondered if it's really that bad playing in New York? Remove the old dink Steinbrenner from the picture and what have you got? A city of 8 million where 9 out of 10 people could really give a shit about the Yankees? Where the majority have never even heard of Derek Jeter?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, New Yorkers have so many other diversions and perversions … like cuddle parties for instance.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, while we're up heah dying and shit over the Red Sox, New Yankers are getting pop tents in their p.j.'s while casually molesting, er, I mean communicating with perfect strangers as a supposed form of relaxation.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, that's whacked. Would nevah fly in Boston. I'd be all in my Nomar pajamas and shit, getting a good grope on with some Southie chick in one hand and while in my other hand I'd be dialing up my celly to check the scoreboard.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, and the Southie chick'd be doing the same fucking thing.

 

---

Doug:
Fuck relaxation, anyway. That shit is way overrated. Give me up tight maniacal anxiety and untoward compulsion any day of the week.

 

---

Oh, boy, that ain't any way to start a homestand: Sox (and Schilling) lose to Tampa Bay …

Doug:
Hello, 9-1-1? Yes, this is an emergency … I need to report a missing offense. Help me, please. I'm scared.

 

---

Mike:
[Angrily] Seven times Ortiz or Mueller made the last out of the inning?!?! Why do I fucking bother?

 

---

Doug:
I've been sick in the past — steadily and truly — and yet, I am sick now in a way that makes me want to say that I was never sick at all, until here, until now.

 

---

Mike:
[Snorts] Maybe you caught Manny's fucking plague. What does that guy do in his free time anyway visit leper colonies? Hang out in hospitals? Drink from other people's glasses? How the fuck does a healthy man get sick for two weeks every fucking summah?

 

---

Doug:
I love this from Francona Crotch: "It's a funny game. Because we didn't win tonight, there's no alternative than to show up and go, because that's why we're here." Jesus Christ this is the guy managing the club?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, so what's the fucking converse of that logic: If they had won last night would the alternative be to not show up and not go? Why the fuck are you here, Terry? Jeez.

 

---

Doug:
Right-O. And, as many have said, it looks like Varitek has the makings of a future manager. He's got this shit figured out big time: "Every game is important for us now. We need to win a lot of games." [Laughs]

 

---

Mike:
Fuck yeah. I feel a whole lot better now that I've had this perplexing puzzle of wins and losses elucidated for me. [Both laugh]

 

---

The Red Sox end a 6-5 road trip with consecutive wins and find themselves in a 3-way tie for the Wild Card…

Doug:
Bienvenidos, Señor Ortiz! Two runs in his first game back on Saturday and three more yesterday with a three-run homer …

 

---

Bill:
And the Ortizzle leads the Sox with 98 ribbies and is only two behind league leader Tejada. Let's just not throw any more temper tantrums, big guy. [Chortles]

 

---

Doug:
Back to [coughs] friendly fucking Fenway for 20 of the next 26. [Snickers]

 

---

Bill:
[Imitating a news anchor's voice] As the calendar turns and a restless fandom anxiously awaits a solid run of success, the Sox also are poised to face an even greater level of scrutiny than when they departed. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Uh, yeah, bitches. I'm scrutinizing the mother out of your homestand homely asses. Don't ruin the rest of my fucking summah. [Both laugh]

 

---

Bill:
Fucking-A right, don't fucking have me mothballing my "Battling Evil" t-shirt come Labor Day.

 

---

Doug:
[Laughs] And get Manny on some bad ass pharmaceutical dope. What the fuck is wrong with this country anyway? We can cure sad old man limp dickness with not just one but several competing pills but there's jack shit for a sore throat? Priorities people. Fucking priorities here.

 

---

The Red Sox were off last night, in the interim Nomargate continues apace …

Tara:
Did you hear the latest on our whilom ShortStud?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
He lied about WMD?

 

---

Tara:
[Laughs] That and he really hurt his heel when killing Laci Peterson. Nomar's a serial killer, you know?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
[Laughs] I definitely feel dead now that he's gone. Cabrera may be better defensively, but I'll always want Nomar in the hole.

 

---

Tara:
What about Doug Mientkiewicz?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Hella yes. I'd let him show me what men do in prisons.

 

---

Tara:
Mint may be the new number 1 on the "Red Sox Players: Hot or Not?"… Displacing Tek even.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
OK. I've got to go. Got a date with a dildo. [Laughs]

 

---

Tara:
Good, always the indefinite article. "A" dildo and not "your" dildo. [Laughs]

 

---

The Sox can't manage a road sweep and lose to Tampa Bay …

Bill:
Man, the Dirt Dog has become like a pit bull with his jaw locked on a hunk of meat over this Nomar thing. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Not surprising. El Perro Sucio was always the skeptic over the Nomar injury … Remember his sheath scoop that was quickly refuted? Seems the motherfucking chickens have come home to roost.

 

---

Bill:
Here's something positive: top prospect Hanley Ramirez has been promoted to double A.

 

---

Doug:
Hey, don't go all pollyanna positive on me, dude. Didn't you see that troll in the Bambino's Curse comments yesterday calling us pissahs and moanahs? We gotta live up to expectations. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
Like pissing and moaning is a bad thing? I was born pissing and moaning fercrissakes.

 

---

Doug:
Speaking of, last night I dreamt that I pissed on Dale Sveums's head. I entered the restroom, approached the urinal, and started pissing, when suddenly I realized it was not a urinal at all … but Dave Sveum.

 

---

Bill:
[Imitating a German, Freud like accent] Dat es most intavesting. Do go on.

 

---

Doug:
As I began to protest (to the dream itself) I understood that I must have known it was him. I felt ashamed, yet wronged. I also felt like the only thing I ever wanted to happen was finally happening.

 

---

Bill:
[Laughs] This is not surprising. Sveum is a fucking nightmare.

 

---

Doug:
Jeezum effin crow. Someone please tell me what is so fucking difficult about coaching 3rd base?

 

---

While Nomargate (You lied! No, you lied continues, the Red Sox went out and had a great win over the D-Rays behind a complete game performance from Curt Schilling …

Mike:
If it wasn't for Curt Schilling, they'd have me on a suicide watch right about now.

 

---

Doug:
Curt Schilling is the motherfucking man because he, in his own words, "wants to be part of the cure instead of the problem."

 

---

Mike:
Meanwhile, are we going to have to call in Ken Starr to find out what the meaning of "is" is with Nomar, Tellem, Henry and the rest? For fuck's sake, can we fucking move on now? Nomar, please shut your fucking pie hole and get over yourself. The former number 5 does protest too much methinks.

 

---

Doug:
Speaking of former players who are, how shall we say it, careless with the truth, have you heard that Clemens now demands an apology for the Little League incident?

 

---

Mike:
Get the fuck out! The dude spits sunflower seeds on an umpire's leg to protest a call against his son in Little League and now he wants an apology?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, Sprocket says none of it is true. Suggests we should "know him better than that." [Laughs]

 

---

Mike:
Ah, the irony! The guy who always blames others for his misfortunes, be it John McNamara, Terry Cooney, Dan Duquette, or Mike Piazza, and who has a bit of an anger management problem now expects us to believe his side of the story?

 

---

Doug:
Sorta like how we all believed he was retiring last year? What a douche bag.

 

---

Mike:
From the Roger Clemens guide to teaching your kid about baseball: Spit on umps. Check. Blame others. Check. Wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoelaces and eye black then when the ump doesn't give you the strike zone you want, unload a cuss laced stream of vindicative upon him, get ejected, smash a water cooler and threaten a fan as you depart, advanced lesson, will teach to K-K-Kacy in Babe Ruth League. The Art of Lying, ongoing lesson, always room to improve. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Christ, wait 'til fucking Nomar has kids. He can teach them all about looking unhappy and sitting forlorn on the dugout while the kids' team mates are all on their feet cheering a rally on.

 

---

The Red Sox beat the Devil Rays but we learn Mark Belhorn has a fractured left thumb …

Susan/Circle:
Another day, another Red Sox player goes down to injury.

 

---

Mike:
The offense is getting weaker, weaker, weaker …

 

---

Susan/Circle:
All hail Ceasar Crespo! [Laughs]

 

---

Mike:
Guess we'll see how Theo's "the problem is the defense" hypothesis holds up.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
On the bright side, at least we get to see Youkilis every day again. Nice first pitch swinging double last night.

 

---

Mike:
On the dark side, the team still seems so fucking lifeless. At times, suddenly I understand old men in rockers, bats in Colorado caves, tiny lice crawling into the eyes of dead birds.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
No shit. This whole season has been like being a horny 'Bama belle whose vibrator has been just been confiscated. Can't get no fucking relief.

 

---

The Sox drop two to the Twins over the weekend, but everything is overshadowed by the stunning Nomar trade …

Bill:
As stereotyped and caricatured Red Sox fan, I know I'm supposed to be going all Jack Torrance with an ax in hand over this Nomah trade …

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, how did Silva put it? You're supposed to be all mad that your Nomah posters have to come down from your bedroom walls and grouchy that you can't wear your #5 jerseys to work no more. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
Exactly. Even the stat head pocket protector wearing geeks are saying Theo got hosed.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, but Gammo is ready to get out the vote for an Epstein/Depodesta presidential ticket.

 

---

Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. I'm a citizen of the Theocracy. I'm beyond ready for a Red Sox team made up of players who think about winning more than their next contract.

 

---

Doug:
Of course, [makes sound of a whiny, mamby pamby voice] this is so tough on the kids boo hoo hoo. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
Note to parents, two words: Ritalin and Prozac. Dope those little fuckers the hell up. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Fuck yeah, I think the only thing I hate more than kids are the breeders who have them. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
[Laughs] So I guess we won't be seeing you at the Company's annual summer family picnic next week, eh?

 

---

Doug:
Depends. What is the Company policy on picnic attire? For instance, can I be clothed in a manner that would cause discomfort or offense to others?

 

---

Who wants to cuddle?

The Red Sox rally to beat the Devil Rays …

Bill:
Hello, Dr. Kevorkian's office? Yes, this is Bill Callaghan, I need to cancel, or rather postpone, my scheduled assisted suicide. … No, no, don't take me off your mailing list …

 

---

Doug:
A two-out rally in the sixth leading to five runs? I forgot such a thing was fucking possible.

 

---

Bill:
Heh. And does Charles Bronson Arroyo give righties a death wish or what?

 

---

Doug:
The dude Bronson is ice. Good quality to have in these parts. Did you read that bit from Gammo about the anonymous agent's anethma to signing players "east of the Mississippi or north of the Mason-Dixon Line"?

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, welcome to Oz, Toto. [Laughs] Though, you know, I've always wondered if it's really that bad playing in New York? Remove the old dink Steinbrenner from the picture and what have you got? A city of 8 million where 9 out of 10 people could really give a shit about the Yankees? Where the majority have never even heard of Derek Jeter?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, New Yorkers have so many other diversions and perversions … like cuddle parties for instance.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, while we're up heah dying and shit over the Red Sox, New Yankers are getting pop tents in their p.j.'s while casually molesting, er, I mean communicating with perfect strangers as a supposed form of relaxation.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, that's whacked. Would nevah fly in Boston. I'd be all in my Nomar pajamas and shit, getting a good grope on with some Southie chick in one hand and while in my other hand I'd be dialing up my celly to check the scoreboard.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, and the Southie chick'd be doing the same fucking thing.

 

---

Doug:
Fuck relaxation, anyway. That shit is way overrated. Give me up tight maniacal anxiety and untoward compulsion any day of the week.

 

---

Why are we here?

Oh, boy, that ain't any way to start a homestand: Sox (and Schilling) lose to Tampa Bay …

Doug:
Hello, 9-1-1? Yes, this is an emergency … I need to report a missing offense. Help me, please. I'm scared.

 

---

Mike:
[Angrily] Seven times Ortiz or Mueller made the last out of the inning?!?! Why do I fucking bother?

 

---

Doug:
I've been sick in the past — steadily and truly — and yet, I am sick now in a way that makes me want to say that I was never sick at all, until here, until now.

 

---

Mike:
[Snorts] Maybe you caught Manny's fucking plague. What does that guy do in his free time anyway visit leper colonies? Hang out in hospitals? Drink from other people's glasses? How the fuck does a healthy man get sick for two weeks every fucking summah?

 

---

Doug:
I love this from Francona Crotch: "It's a funny game. Because we didn't win tonight, there's no alternative than to show up and go, because that's why we're here." Jesus Christ this is the guy managing the club?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, so what's the fucking converse of that logic: If they had won last night would the alternative be to not show up and not go? Why the fuck are you here, Terry? Jeez.

 

---

Doug:
Right-O. And, as many have said, it looks like Varitek has the makings of a future manager. He's got this shit figured out big time: "Every game is important for us now. We need to win a lot of games." [Laughs]

 

---

Mike:
Fuck yeah. I feel a whole lot better now that I've had this perplexing puzzle of wins and losses elucidated for me. [Both laugh]

 

---

A restless fandom awaits

The Red Sox end a 6-5 road trip with consecutive wins and find themselves in a 3-way tie for the Wild Card…

Doug:
Bienvenidos, Señor Ortiz! Two runs in his first game back on Saturday and three more yesterday with a three-run homer …

 

---

Bill:
And the Ortizzle leads the Sox with 98 ribbies and is only two behind league leader Tejada. Let's just not throw any more temper tantrums, big guy. [Chortles]

 

---

Doug:
Back to [coughs] friendly fucking Fenway for 20 of the next 26. [Snickers]

 

---

Bill:
[Imitating a news anchor's voice] As the calendar turns and a restless fandom anxiously awaits a solid run of success, the Sox also are poised to face an even greater level of scrutiny than when they departed. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Uh, yeah, bitches. I'm scrutinizing the mother out of your homestand homely asses. Don't ruin the rest of my fucking summah. [Both laugh]

 

---

Bill:
Fucking-A right, don't fucking have me mothballing my "Battling Evil" t-shirt come Labor Day.

 

---

Doug:
[Laughs] And get Manny on some bad ass pharmaceutical dope. What the fuck is wrong with this country anyway? We can cure sad old man limp dickness with not just one but several competing pills but there's jack shit for a sore throat? Priorities people. Fucking priorities here.

 

---

Minty Fresh

The Red Sox were off last night, in the interim Nomargate continues apace …

Tara:
Did you hear the latest on our whilom ShortStud?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
He lied about WMD?

 

---

Tara:
[Laughs] That and he really hurt his heel when killing Laci Peterson. Nomar's a serial killer, you know?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
[Laughs] I definitely feel dead now that he's gone. Cabrera may be better defensively, but I'll always want Nomar in the hole.

 

---

Tara:
What about Doug Mientkiewicz?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Hella yes. I'd let him show me what men do in prisons.

 

---

Tara:
Mint may be the new number 1 on the "Red Sox Players: Hot or Not?"… Displacing Tek even.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
OK. I've got to go. Got a date with a dildo. [Laughs]

 

---

Tara:
Good, always the indefinite article. "A" dildo and not "your" dildo. [Laughs]

 

---

Send Sveum to the showers

The Sox can't manage a road sweep and lose to Tampa Bay …

Bill:
Man, the Dirt Dog has become like a pit bull with his jaw locked on a hunk of meat over this Nomar thing. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Not surprising. El Perro Sucio was always the skeptic over the Nomar injury … Remember his sheath scoop that was quickly refuted? Seems the motherfucking chickens have come home to roost.

 

---

Bill:
Here's something positive: top prospect Hanley Ramirez has been promoted to double A.

 

---

Doug:
Hey, don't go all pollyanna positive on me, dude. Didn't you see that troll in the Bambino's Curse comments yesterday calling us pissahs and moanahs? We gotta live up to expectations. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
Like pissing and moaning is a bad thing? I was born pissing and moaning fercrissakes.

 

---

Doug:
Speaking of, last night I dreamt that I pissed on Dale Sveums's head. I entered the restroom, approached the urinal, and started pissing, when suddenly I realized it was not a urinal at all … but Dave Sveum.

 

---

Bill:
[Imitating a German, Freud like accent] Dat es most intavesting. Do go on.

 

---

Doug:
As I began to protest (to the dream itself) I understood that I must have known it was him. I felt ashamed, yet wronged. I also felt like the only thing I ever wanted to happen was finally happening.

 

---

Bill:
[Laughs] This is not surprising. Sveum is a fucking nightmare.

 

---

Doug:
Jeezum effin crow. Someone please tell me what is so fucking difficult about coaching 3rd base?

 

---

Like Father Like Son

While Nomargate (You lied! No, you lied continues, the Red Sox went out and had a great win over the D-Rays behind a complete game performance from Curt Schilling …

Mike:
If it wasn't for Curt Schilling, they'd have me on a suicide watch right about now.

 

---

Doug:
Curt Schilling is the motherfucking man because he, in his own words, "wants to be part of the cure instead of the problem."

 

---

Mike:
Meanwhile, are we going to have to call in Ken Starr to find out what the meaning of "is" is with Nomar, Tellem, Henry and the rest? For fuck's sake, can we fucking move on now? Nomar, please shut your fucking pie hole and get over yourself. The former number 5 does protest too much methinks.

 

---

Doug:
Speaking of former players who are, how shall we say it, careless with the truth, have you heard that Clemens now demands an apology for the Little League incident?

 

---

Mike:
Get the fuck out! The dude spits sunflower seeds on an umpire's leg to protest a call against his son in Little League and now he wants an apology?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, Sprocket says none of it is true. Suggests we should "know him better than that." [Laughs]

 

---

Mike:
Ah, the irony! The guy who always blames others for his misfortunes, be it John McNamara, Terry Cooney, Dan Duquette, or Mike Piazza, and who has a bit of an anger management problem now expects us to believe his side of the story?

 

---

Doug:
Sorta like how we all believed he was retiring last year? What a douche bag.

 

---

Mike:
From the Roger Clemens guide to teaching your kid about baseball: Spit on umps. Check. Blame others. Check. Wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoelaces and eye black then when the ump doesn't give you the strike zone you want, unload a cuss laced stream of vindicative upon him, get ejected, smash a water cooler and threaten a fan as you depart, advanced lesson, will teach to K-K-Kacy in Babe Ruth League. The Art of Lying, ongoing lesson, always room to improve. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Christ, wait 'til fucking Nomar has kids. He can teach them all about looking unhappy and sitting forlorn on the dugout while the kids' team mates are all on their feet cheering a rally on.

 

---

Et tu, Belhornus?

The Red Sox beat the Devil Rays but we learn Mark Belhorn has a fractured left thumb …

Susan/Circle:
Another day, another Red Sox player goes down to injury.

 

---

Mike:
The offense is getting weaker, weaker, weaker …

 

---

Susan/Circle:
All hail Ceasar Crespo! [Laughs]

 

---

Mike:
Guess we'll see how Theo's "the problem is the defense" hypothesis holds up.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
On the bright side, at least we get to see Youkilis every day again. Nice first pitch swinging double last night.

 

---

Mike:
On the dark side, the team still seems so fucking lifeless. At times, suddenly I understand old men in rockers, bats in Colorado caves, tiny lice crawling into the eyes of dead birds.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
No shit. This whole season has been like being a horny 'Bama belle whose vibrator has been just been confiscated. Can't get no fucking relief.

 

---

Ramon Samon

The Sox drop two to the Twins over the weekend, but everything is overshadowed by the stunning Nomar trade …

Bill:
As stereotyped and caricatured Red Sox fan, I know I'm supposed to be going all Jack Torrance with an ax in hand over this Nomah trade …

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, how did Silva put it? You're supposed to be all mad that your Nomah posters have to come down from your bedroom walls and grouchy that you can't wear your #5 jerseys to work no more. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
Exactly. Even the stat head pocket protector wearing geeks are saying Theo got hosed.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, but Gammo is ready to get out the vote for an Epstein/Depodesta presidential ticket.

 

---

Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. I'm a citizen of the Theocracy. I'm beyond ready for a Red Sox team made up of players who think about winning more than their next contract.

 

---

Doug:
Of course, [makes sound of a whiny, mamby pamby voice] this is so tough on the kids boo hoo hoo. [Laughs]

 

---

Bill:
Note to parents, two words: Ritalin and Prozac. Dope those little fuckers the hell up. [Laughs]

 

---

Doug:
Fuck yeah, I think the only thing I hate more than kids are the breeders who have them. [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
[Laughs] So I guess we won't be seeing you at the Company's annual summer family picnic next week, eh?

 

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Doug:
Depends. What is the Company policy on picnic attire? For instance, can I be clothed in a manner that would cause discomfort or offense to others?

 

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