Doug:
Is it ever his motherfucking night? Or day? Or mid fucking morning? What about twilight? Does he ever have a good cocksucking twilight?
Mike:
No shit, he's running out of excuses. No more blisters. No more Todd Walker. No more cancer …
Mike:
He shows moments where he still has his stuff, then he loses it like last night.
Mike:
I still have faith in Lowe. He just needs to work through it.
Doug:
Work through it? Are you fucking insane? There is no through—this isn't a maze. There's no curtain, no other side. The other side is just a bed-time story for frigid necrophiliacs for fuck's sake. Everybody knows this. [Laughs]
Mike:
So what's your recommendation Dr. Phil?
Doug:
Lowe could try neglecting to shower. See, I like the way my head gets after a few days of not showering—it's like I have a much keener sense of my skull—how truly perceptive its various surfaces are. And to feel that perceptive is to feel raw, bestial power.
Mike:
And this is what Derek Lowe needs in your, er, vision? [Laughs]
Doug:
In truth, probably not. Anyone who nearly loses his nose to fucking cancer yet continues to chew the Skoll is probably too fucked up to ever be anything but a mediocre pitcher with occasional moments of brilliance.
Mike:
Ouch. That's low on Lowe.
Doug:
I'm just fucking sayin'…
Continue reading "Running out of excuses" »
The Red Sox take another from the (always) struggling Tampa Bay club…
Bill:
I know it's only the D-Rays, but Christ, Schilling looked good!
Doug:
7 innings, one run? Schucks, man, My balls were hanging low from all that Schilly heat. Ain't nothing schitty in the schire. Beware Schiva!
Doug:
Too bad the Spankees didn't lose. Whenever I look at the results and see L next to NYY, it's the same wonderful feeling of the cold toilet seat on my ass when I'm about to take a 2 flush, shipyard dump.
Bill:
Speaking of Spankees, did you see Catalano's all up in arms over CrackerJackGate?
Doug:
When isn't that Yankee ho all cranked up? I thought that new pool would chill her motherfucking Long Island ass out?
Doug:
Besides, I hate Cracker Jacks.
Bill:
You hate Cracker Jacks? Who the fuck hates Cracker Jacks?
Doug:
It's the mofo free prizes, dude. At first I was lured in slowly. Each new toy appeared to be a new step toward establishing me in an eternal state of play. The insufficiency of each discarded toy was always hidden by the promise of the next toy. But Magic Motion Fun Cards? What the fuck is that all about? A is for Airplane. F is for Fuck you toy frauds and I damn all your flickers, tilters and wiggle pictures to hell! [Laughs]
Bill:
You didn't have too many friends as a kid did you? [Laughs]
Doug:
I've said it before and I'll say it again: My resplendence has no bitch. [Laughs]
Continue reading "Wiggle Pictures" »
Doug:
[Pauses to consider] I'd of been happy with 9-8.
Mike:
Absolutely. Going 10-7 would have been cause for celebration.
Mike:
So if this were an election between the incumbent and presumptive first daughter challenger, you're going with Jenna Bush?
Doug:
Faster than a Florida recount my good man. The Kerry chick, despite her impressive credentials, doesn't inspire me to wantonness.
Doug:
Yeah, well, "mistakes were made," as they say. And when's the last time a World Series was decided on an error? [Laughs]
Continue reading "Resting but restive [updated]" »
The Red Sox split the away series with Toronto 2-2 and get a much needed day of rest on Monday …
Bill:
Sucks that both losses came behind Schilling and Martinez, but the Sox still have the best pitching numbers overall in the AL.
Bill:
Yeah, Shank is our resident Ghostbuster. Always talking about disasters of Biblical proportions. Fire and brimstone. The dead rising from the graves.
Doug:
[Imitating Bill Murray] Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria. [Laughs] Is Shaughnessy the Gatekeeper?
Bill:
Well, he is always sliming everybody. [Laughs]
Doug:
Note to the Shank: Spend less time writing about the ghosts and goblins and more time, er, providing baseball news.
Continue reading "Who you gonna call?" »
