My Resplendence Has No Bitch

The Red Sox sweep the Devil Rays and Manny is singing like a canary …

Bill:
You see that Edes interview with Manny on NESN?

 

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Doug:
No, but I read the transcript posted at SoSH. Manny is da man!

 

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Bill:
I've always thought so, but weren't you calling for his head on a stick last season? Now you're all buying Ramirez jerseys and wanting to braid your hair and shit? [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
[Demonstratively] At any given point, one can look back and say, what was that? But then one can never answers sufficiently. This is why and this is where in fact become obscured by every seeking of them. In speaking, we only ever lose where we are -- we do not secure it.

 

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Bill:
You are so absolutely, totally full of shit. [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Sir, I am resplendent in poo-poo. But my resplendence is real, is never silent and has no bitch. [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
On to South Fork! On to Bush Country!

 

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Doug:
Only in Texas would they name a team after a bunch of jack boots whose sole purpose in life was to insure that the "Only good Mexican is a dead Mexican"

 

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SAP

The first game of the double-header is underway …

Mike:
Did I just hear Rem Dog say, "Buenas tardes, amigos"

 

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Susan:
Es verdad, vato.

 

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Mike:
¡Chinga! El Remmy Perrito.

 

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Susan:
Simon. Red Sox por la vida!

 

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Red Sox take the firt game of the double-header …

Bill:
Fantabulous! Three straight shut outs for the first time since August 1990! S

 

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Tara:
5 straight. 8 of their last 9. 10 of their last 12. Hella good!

 

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Bill:
And the big man Ortizzle the Schizzle is about to sign a re-Up with the Red Sox..

 

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Everything Comes

The Red Sox shut out the Devil Rays 6-0 …

Bill:
Curtis lays down the hurtis!

 

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Doug:
Motherfucking Schilling he gives the fish a grilling!

 

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Bill:
Allen Embree, a Humvee making hitters shit their undies!

 

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Doug:
Lenny DiNardo dishes last supper like Leonardo, tossing whickedo hardo. [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
What a difference a year makes. Red Sox relievers have now gone 13 1/3 consecutive innings without allowing a run and have a collective 2.66 ERA on the season, a number that is more than four full runs better than at this time a year ago when it was 6.90.

 

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Doug:
Everything comes to those who wait. Everything comes to those who don't wait, too. Everything comes -- I guess that's the point.

 

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Bill:
And here comes B.K. Kim …

 

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Doug:
And I am confident -- Today there will be no blood in my stool.

 

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Roman Holiday

Reports surface on Boston water quality …

Mike:
Well, this finally explains Grady Little's actions or rather inactions in Game 7 of the ALCS.

 

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Susan:
¿Que pasa, muchacho?

 

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Mike:
From the Washington Post, "Federal and state regulators ruled yesterday that the drinking water delivered to 2.5 million customers in the Boston region has lead levels above the acceptable national standard."

 

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Susan:
You know that's what took down ancient Rome?

 

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Mike:
Right, just as a lead poisoned Nero played with his fiddle while Rome burned down right in front of him, an equally hallucinogenic Grady Little played with himself while Pedro wound down right in front of him. Totally fucking plausible. [Laughs]

 

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Susan:
Well, as the Romans would say, Quod Erat Demonstrandum. [Laughs] Maybe Lanternjaw has succumbed as well to the lead as SoSH has been down all day …

 

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Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it

Just like last week, Tuesday night is a rain out …

Bill:
Day, Night Double-header on Thursday …

 

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Doug:
Ah, the enormity of the double-header: is it something we can really understand? The desire, this fan harking back to the old days of so many day/nights isn't at all practical.

 

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Bill:
It is too much for your A-D-D MTV addled brain? Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Yes. The double-header is too much for my baseball brain. To understand this -- to understand all at once that it's too much baseball to fit inside oneself -- is to restore oneself to Sense, which in its endless failure to consume the fullness of what is real, learns at least to respect it.

 

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Bill:
You're on the coffee and Demerol again I take it? [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Did you know some say that Jesus, the O.G. one, did not wear his hair long?

 

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Bill:
Get the fuck out! Jumpin' Johnny Damon, that's blasphemy!

 

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Doug:
"Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?" Corinthians 11:14

 

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Bill:
What fucking ever. Memo to blasphemers: Didn't you see the movie?[Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Right. Johnny Damon commandeth: The Kingdom is in center field! Hit a pop fly, I am there. Lift one to the warning track, I am there.

 

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Some tentative destinies plague us.

No game Monday night, the Soxaholix await the Tampa Bay club to roll into town …

Mike:
You know the best thing about the Dee Rays?

 

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Doug:
[Trilling his R's] R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-occo Baldelli!!!

 

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Mike:
Five tool player, boy next door good looks …

 

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Doug:
If he played in a major market he'd be more popular than John Kerry. [Pauses] Er, make that Steve Silva [Laughs] Did you read about the Big Dog hobnobbing with the glitterati?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, what a whore. [Laughs] Speaking of Silva, when in fucks sake is he ever going to add permalinks to his site? If an Iraqi dentist can do it, so can you Steve. We believe in you, man. [Laughs]

 

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Doug:
Some tentative destinies plague us.

 

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We cleave to it

Lunch hour banter …

Susan/Circle:
Catalano's taking some heat for wearing the unauthorized Red Sox cap.

 

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Tara:
That ain't all. There's the "Did she show her rack?" fuss.

 

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Susan/Circle:
That's definitely cleavage and not what one could term a so-called rack shot.

 

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Tara:
Agreed. And as Marilyn Monroe said, "The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any."[Laughs]

 

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Susan/Circle:
Catalano's what, 40-something? You think she colors her hair? She must have some gray in that Yankee rooting guidette mane …

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Tara:
[Laughing] Honey, even a blondie WASP bitch like you would be gray if you only had two players in your team's lineup outperforming their career offensive numbers and with 4 of them having a GPA below two hundred.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Nice 'n Easy.

 

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People Like a Stench

The Red Sox sweep the Yankees for the first time since '99 …

Bill:
Didya know that was the first time the Red Sox have taken six of their first seven from the Spankees since 1913?

 

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Doug:
Not that you're into living in the past or anything. [Laughs].

 

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Bill:
Spanky Wanky Bloggy Alex Belthy sez there's no difference between Yanks fans and Red Sox fans except the colors we wear …

 

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Doug:
Well, there is the bit about how we collectively have higher SAT scores … and are better looking … and, more importantly, we don't give false hopes to poor fucks on crutches like Belth does. [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
Man, the Yankees sure didn't look like The Yankees, looking slow, old and emotionally distant. They stunk up the House that Ruth built.

 

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Doug:
Yankees management should set up a special stench area. People like stench and Yankees fans are no different. Their initial reaction -- pained withdrawal -- is always quickly followed by cautious fascination …

 

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Bill:
[Thoughtfully] Oh, you're so right. I saw that look on Matsui's face yesterday. Like he'd whiffed some bad mofo sushi when that ball dropped fair and bounced into the stands.

 

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Doug:
[In earnest] Exactly. A stench is a stink that has found a way to entrench itself. It is a metaphor: abstraction digs in to a real body and decomposes it to the point of presence. People like a stench because it mimics their own truest moments.

 

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Bill:
[Sings the Lynyrd Skynyrd lyric] Ooh, ooh that smell. Can't you smell that smell? [Laughs] C'mon Michele, sing along with me!

 

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Doug:
Whoa! Nice cleavage. Michele is now part of my spanky lineup. [Laughs maniacally.]

 

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Bill:
Didn't I fucking tell you she's way hotter than Wonkette?

 

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Best Sox Bullpen Ever?

The Red Sox beat the Yankees on Saturday in 12 and become the first team ever to win a game while going 0/19 with runners in scoring position. …

Bill from home:
Oh fer 19 with runners in scoring position but they still get the win?!?!? OK, Tara, question for your photographic memory… When did a team last score on Boston's pen?

 

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Tara from home:
[On speaker phone] Against Foulke, in the 9th inning of a 5-1 game, due to defensive indifference.

 

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Bill from home:
And before that?

 

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Tara from home:
In the 11th inning of a game against the 5th starter pitching in an emergency.

 

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Bill from home:
And before that?

 

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Tara from home:
Against Timlin vs. Toronto on home opening day.

 

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Bill from home:
Jumpin' Jesus or rather Jumpin' Johnny Damon, that's awesome. [Sound of knocking on wood.] See you at the pub at one?

 

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Tara from home:
Can't. I have to take my moms on some errands. May drop by late. I'll be tracking the game on the Treo.

 

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A Mambo Morning

Bill awakes at home to find it wasn't a dream … The Red Sox put the mambo on the Yankees Cubano (again!) …

Bill from home:
[Singing, top of his lungs, to the tune of Mambo Italiano, music on full]
Hey Mambo, Mambo Red Red Soxio!
Hey Mambo, Mambo Red Red Soxio!,
Go, go, D-Lowe,
you matched up to el Cubano.
It's-a so delish-a,
everybody gonna cowboy uppa.
Hey Mambo Red Red Soxio!

 

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