Bill:
I've always thought so, but weren't you calling for his head on a stick last season? Now you're all buying Ramirez jerseys and wanting to braid your hair and shit? [Laughs]
Doug:
[Demonstratively] At any given point, one can look back and say, what was that? But then one can never answers sufficiently. This is why and this is where in fact become obscured by every seeking of them. In speaking, we only ever lose where we are -- we do not secure it.
Bill:
You are so absolutely, totally full of shit. [Laughs]
Doug:
Sir, I am resplendent in poo-poo. But my resplendence is real, is never silent and has no bitch. [Laughs]
Mike:
Right, just as a lead poisoned Nero played with his fiddle while Rome burned down right in front of him, an equally hallucinogenic Grady Little played with himself while Pedro wound down right in front of him. Totally fucking plausible. [Laughs]
Susan:
Well, as the Romans would say, Quod Erat Demonstrandum. [Laughs] Maybe Lanternjaw has succumbed as well to the lead as SoSH has been down all day …
Doug:
Ah, the enormity of the double-header: is it something we can really understand? The desire, this fan harking back to the old days of so many day/nights isn't at all practical.
Bill:
It is too much for your A-D-D MTV addled brain? Laughs]
Doug:
Yes. The double-header is too much for my baseball brain. To understand this -- to understand all at once that it's too much baseball to fit inside oneself -- is to restore oneself to Sense, which in its endless failure to consume the fullness of what is real, learns at least to respect it.
Bill:
You're on the coffee and Demerol again I take it? [Laughs]
Doug:
Did you know some say that Jesus, the O.G. one, did not wear his hair long?
Bill:
Get the fuck out! Jumpin' Johnny Damon, that's blasphemy!
Mike:
Yeah, what a whore. [Laughs] Speaking of Silva, when in fucks sake is he ever going to add permalinks to his site? If an Iraqi dentist can do it, so can you Steve. We believe in you, man. [Laughs]
Susan/Circle:
That's definitely cleavage and not what one could term a so-called rack shot.
Tara:
Agreed. And as Marilyn Monroe said, "The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any."[Laughs]
Susan/Circle:
Catalano's what, 40-something? You think she colors her hair? She must have some gray in that Yankee rooting guidette mane …
Doug:
Well, there is the bit about how we collectively have higher SAT scores … and are better looking … and, more importantly, we don't give false hopes to poor fucks on crutches like Belth does. [Laughs]
Doug:
Yankees management should set up a special stench area. People like stench and Yankees fans are no different. Their initial reaction -- pained withdrawal -- is always quickly followed by cautious fascination …
Bill:
[Thoughtfully] Oh, you're so right. I saw that look on Matsui's face yesterday. Like he'd whiffed some bad mofo sushi when that ball dropped fair and bounced into the stands.
Doug:
[In earnest] Exactly. A stench is a stink that has found a way to entrench itself. It is a metaphor: abstraction digs in to a real body and decomposes it to the point of presence. People like a stench because it mimics their own truest moments.
The Red Sox beat the Yankees on Saturday in 12 and become the first team ever to win a game while going 0/19 with runners in scoring position. …
Bill from home:
Oh fer 19 with runners in scoring position but they still get the win?!?!? OK, Tara, question for your photographic memory… When did a team last score on Boston's pen?
Tara from home:
[On speaker phone] Against Foulke, in the 9th inning of a 5-1 game, due to defensive indifference.
Bill from home:
And before that?
Tara from home:
In the 11th inning of a game against the 5th starter pitching in an emergency.
Bill from home:
And before that?
Tara from home:
Against Timlin vs. Toronto on home opening day.
Bill from home:
Jumpin' Jesus or rather Jumpin' Johnny Damon, that's awesome. [Sound of knocking on wood.] See you at the pub at one?
Tara from home:
Can't. I have to take my moms on some errands. May drop by late. I'll be tracking the game on the Treo.
Bill awakes at home to find it wasn't a dream … The Red Sox put the mambo on the Yankees Cubano (again!) …
Bill from home:
[Singing, top of his lungs, to the tune of Mambo Italiano, music on full] Hey Mambo, Mambo Red Red Soxio!
Hey Mambo, Mambo Red Red Soxio!,
Go, go, D-Lowe, you matched up to el Cubano.
It's-a so delish-a, everybody gonna cowboy uppa.
Hey Mambo Red Red Soxio!
Doug:
Gump II. 37 year old pitcher, 123 pitches this early, Timlin and Williamson rested and ready to go. Gross stupidity.
Bill:
This is what the old professor with the goatee meant by all neatness denied and ambiguity confirmed.
Doug:
More like deja fucking vu all over again.
Bill:
Forget the maple cheddah, pass the demerol
Doug:
Dunkin' Donuts needs pain killers on the menu.
Bill:
Yes, it is the next step for a so-called civilized culture.
Doug:
The present is so full of pain, and it is where we keep finding ourselves. Don't tell me I want to run away from the present -- nothing could be further from the truth. When I am without pain killers -- that is when I hide, that is when I run away. [Laughs]
Doug:
You know, Sun Tzu, and shit … [Laughs] Anyway, they've got something called Bronx Blogger over there but all it appears to be is a series of rambling columns … no links out, no permalinks, nothing.
Bill:
But it's still a love letter to George. All he wants to do is win and all that hackneyed crap. Like he's somehow got an extra dose of Y chromosome or something making him Mr. Big.
Mike:
Yeah, he's Mr. Risk Taker with his own money. Puh-leeze.
Mike:
[In a sarcastic whiny voice] Oh, oh, Fox just showed a clip of Aaron Boone's homer. Boo hoo. Oh, and now they're mentioning how the Sox haven't won since 1918. Mommy! Make Fox stop saying those things.
The day after Pedro Martinez delivered his finest performance of '04 …
Bill:
I don't have a crystal ball and though I often have blue balls they've never much helped me be a prognosticator, still it shouldn't be any surprise at how well Pedro pitched in Sky Dome.
Doug:
The little dude hates the mofo cold. Fuck. Who doesn't hate the mofo cold. Remind me again why we live here?
Bill:
I heard it builds character, stalking like a rook and all that brooding … [Laughs] OK. So if we know Pedro can't pitch well in April …
Doug:
Not to quibble, but Petey's actually 23-5 in April over his career … But I know, I know huge difference between pitching early April and late April.
Doug:
In general, this fear of dying -- does it make sense? I look forward to the news of the final descent, wherein I will gain unlimited access to drugs and being cared for. I see no other conclusion: this is the most wonderful time ever to by dying.
Bill:
Yeah, great drugs, no heaven, the awareness of our own insignificance … But, hey, no dying until after the Red Sox win another World Series.
Mike:
Yeah, that hanging curve ball that he leaves out over the plate 5 or 6 times a game is for real, too. You don't need a French literary theorist to convince you of the reality of Tejada teeing off on that meatball.
Bill:
What the hell is up with Kapler?
Mike:
Yeah, BDD is calling him "The Grand Poobah of the Loyal Order of Forgetting How Many Outs There Are Club" [Laughs]
Doug:
At least there's nothing to give us all long John Kerry faces … Contreras and Lowe were pretty much equally as rusty, equally as bad . . . the difference being the speed of the hooks. And yet I can't fault Francona. Sheffield, Matsui, and Posada all hit pretty good pitches.
Doug:
I still loathe the lardo, but seeing him do well with Houston does provide me with a perverse pleasure … like a bowl of fresh fruit suddenly along in the Arctic night, like an abandoned car in the middle of a huge, empty parking lot.…
Tara from home:
But of course you do, Bill, it's your modus operandi [Laughs] Do tell …
Bill from home:
How do you explain Francona's pitching changes, or lack thereof, last night? Wakefield was obviously toasted in the 7th. As we all know, you yank Wake when his control goes, not when he starts getting hit around or gets tired. He had obviously lost it in the 7th and got lucky with a few 78mph so-called fastballs. And Francona lets him stew?
Tara from home:
Relax, Bill. Next you'll be complaining about the grounds crew [Laughs]
Bill from home:
Well, I did notice during the post game wrap that the grounds crew was watering down the entire field, outfield as well, for the entire wrap-up which lasted about 10 minutes. I have no idea how long they were out there but doesn't that seem kind of odd considering all the rain we just had?
Tara from home:
Yeah, almost as odd as you obsessive behavior. [Laughter]
Mike:
[Making a P.A. Sound] Attention Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, a friendly Fenway reminder: For your own safety, please, Don't let Orioles pitcher Sydney Ponson see your babies.
Doug:
[Laughs] Baby, the other-other white meat. Baby, it's what's for dinner at Chez Ponson.
Bill:
So a week ago the city yanked my mailbox and post out of the ground to do street work, and I haven't received a piece of mail since … I'm waiting for my friggin' Media Guide
Bill:
Ah, that would be too easy. You see the post office is not allowed to do that, or so they told me. I want to spend the day bitching and otherwise denigrating the post office but I vaguely recall someone in this office comes from a long line of postmen.
Doug:
Not me. I come from a long line of degenerate, fudge packing priests. [Laughs]
Doug:
The one where they mention 35 baseball blogs but not a single one devoted to the Red Sox? Lame-o.
Bill:
[Laughs] Whoo-hoo can't wait to get up in the morning and blog those mighty Brewers! Fucking A, right.
Doug:
Absofuckinglootly, I check that Tampa Bay Devils Rays blog 20 to 30 times a day. Thank you God for those dedicated bloggers and their local color.
Bill:
Yes. We are united by our mother fucking love of miscellany. Pardon me while I puke into my own mouth.
Tara:
Well, you know what they say about opinions. [Laughs] Seriously, though, in today's game you really have no place calling yourself a "sports writer" if you don't understand the basics of Sabermetrics or otherwise so misinterpret the work of James and others in the field.
Bill:
Yeah, it's like a newspaper sending someone to cover Wall St and the Federal Reserve who's never taken a course in economics.
Tara:
It's like sending a deaf, dumb, and blind man out to write a movie review …
A rainout on Monday, the devil will find work for idle hands to do …
Bill:
So who was the hottie you were chatting up at the beer works last night?
Doug:
Ah, Ruthie from Houghton Mifflin …
Bill:
Looked like you were working it wicked haahhd [laughs]
Doug:
Still am. There is the question of who I really am, the tiger or the trainer. Am I this caged pulse, this spacing strength and silence, or do I stand around it, calming it endlessly, talking, singing, making whatever noise I can to bring it closer to sleep? Clearly I am the trainer …
Bill:
And there are moments when you put me to sleep. [Laughs] You've got her cell number, right?
Bill:
You know, this rain isn't a bad thing at all.
Tara:
Absolutely. When you have significant injuries, postponements are a good thing. Chances are the makeup game, or games if this weather continues as predicted, will occur after Trot and Nomar return.
Tara:
Yes. And they can't recall anyone to replace Bedard on the roster until Wednesday. Not debilitating, still, you want a full roster in case anything strange happens, like a 13 inning game.
Elsewhere in the office, Mike tracks down the new designer, Susan, who has asked that everyone call her 'Circle' …
Mike:
Sus … er, Circle, you had a chance to mock anything for that Papa Ginos RFP?
Susan:
No, I'm still waiting for my Mac to get networked … Waiting for SysOps
Mike:
Still waiting. But you waited yesterday. The SysOps guy should be here.
Susan:
He didn't say for sure he'd come. But said I should wait here.
Mike:
[Mike picks up on the allusion] And if he doesn't come?
Susan:
We'll come back tomorrow.
Mike:
And then the day after tomorrow.
Susan:
Possibly.
Mike:
And so on.
Susan:
Until he comes.
Mike:
You're merciless. [Laughs.] Can't you just use a PC in the meantime?
Susan:
[Continues to reference Beckett] I don't hear a word you're saying.
Mike:
I'm asking you if you're tied.
Susan:
But to whom? By whom?
Mike:
To your Mac.
Susan:
To My Mac? Tied to the Mac! What an idea! No question of it. (Pause.) For the moment. [Laughter]
Mike:
Right, then. So we wait. [Laughs] You're going to fit in here just fine … You are a Sox fan, right?
Susan:
I'm thinking something here about Popes and bears and shits in the woods …
An off day for the Red Sox leaves the Soxaholix feeling empty …
Mike:
Amazing how we can go through the entire hot stove season without baseball, but once the season starts, an off day … well, how's your head?
Doug:
Empty. Yours?
Mike:
Full.
Doug:
Of emptiness?
Mike:
Yes. Exactly.
Doug:
Today there was a dog in the road. He just stood there looking at the oncoming cars. I thought he might bark, but no. He just looked. I felt such a comradery. Myself and this dog, standing our ground in the midst of a brutal foreign routine …
Bill:
Hey, if Mickelson can get that monkey off his back …
Mike:
Mickelson mocks the naysayers with his monkey pants … And netted me a pair of sawbucks from the dudes in shipping.
Bill:
Fer crissakes you're not betting with the Salvadorans in shipping again after what happened last time?
Mike:
Er … Just a little bit. [Laughs] Besides, last time it wasn't my fault but Grady effin' Little's fault. And who can bemoan learning how to make and serve pupusas to a hungry band of Salvadorans?
Bill:
True dat. Sandinista, baby. Hey, you talked to the new designer yet?
Mike:
Circle? Yeah, she's cool. Big time Sox fan.
Bill:
Circle? No, Susan, the new pixel chick … Who the hell is Circle?
Mike:
Susan is Circle. See, quote Susan is her quote governement name as she explains it. Kinda cool, really.
Bill:
Circle? Fucking Risdee grad whackos. Ol' man Scrivener's going to love that. I'm probably going to get stuck updating the employee handbook regarding goverment names.
Doug:
Ortiz makes me feel better than a Demerol breakfast and lots of coffee. I feel good. The way a log in a fire sometimes looks like it must feel good, like it's gotten once and for all past its resistance to the force that means to make it submit to its own physical fact.
Doug:
The curveball that struck out Catalanotto was VERY impressive. Nice tight spin, big break and right on target (well, maybe just a little inside of where he probably wanted it). The look of disbelief on Catalanotto's face was priceless. "I'm out? That-that guy struck me out? But-but…"
Bill:
Maybe Malaska is what we thought we were getting in Sauerbeck last year? That's why I'm hoping, anyway. … Hey, we've got a new designer starting today, Susan.
Bill:
Yeah, "design goddess" but every design looks almost the same … and the notebook spiral background, oh, how 1996 cutting edge! [Laughs.] It's a wonder anyone can take Insta's political shit serious when he's so clueless.
Another Saturday finds Bill and several of his team at work, trying to appease the taskmaster boss Scrivener and reconcile yesterday afternoon's loss to Toronto …
Bill:
Why re-call a reliever who is a 1-inning guy? I don't think sending Malaska back out for 1-2 more batters would be risky
Mike:
That may be the role that best suits Malaska but he has been a starter in the past. While he isn't stretched out, i don't see him going a second inning to be Heartbreak Hill.
Bill:
I hate making excuses, but this team at 100% strength is perfect, but right now we are flawed …though I have to say it's ridiculously early, but certain common mistakes worry me.
Mike:
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength."
Bill:
OK, wise one, back to your Hiding Place. [Laughs] Scrivener's going to pop in around 10am on his way to tee time to see where we're at on the Papa Gino's RFP.
Tara:
The only guy we'll see that pitched in the Tigers series is Roy Halladay, and he gave up 6 earned in 6.7 innings. Historically, the Red Sox have hit Halladay well. Their bullpen has only given up one run, a home run given up by Terry Adams.
Doug:
I'll never tell (except to say she, that is Wonkette, sent it to me). I believe I'm actually going to have to be strapped down. You had better send someone to strap me down. And, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to have some tests done …
Bill:
The Red Sox look good, the Wonkette looks better … I do believe it's gangbang weather for the first time in months.
Doug:
To this sunny day I surrender all my good intentions. [Laughs.]
Doug:
Yes! What a joy it is to be alive! To wake late in the morning and have cups and cups of coffee, and in the heightened blind pulse that follows to imagine hot blog babes in jello.
Doug:
Ah, yes. I'll add that to my hairy palm collection, but it'd be easier to get John Ashcroft in a teddy than getting Ms. "I hung out with Mickey Mantle" out of her raggedy pinstripes.
Doug:
Doubt it, dude. That'd be too good to be true.
Bill:
You ought to email her and ask.
Doug:
Wonkette's too cool to respond to such a mundane email.
Doug:
I'd need to write something like this: "Dear Wonkette, I maybe ain't so good at speechifying, but I can sure as fuck split my head open and deliver its real hardworking matter to the hungry air! I can also turn furniture upside down (if it isn't too heavy). The fucking point is clear: I may not be an individual, but I'm still a force to be reckoned with. Forget this, and my bloody head will be all over you fucking upside down furniture."
Bill:
Bra-effin-oh! Chicks love the "I'm totally fucking insane" angle. [Laughter]
Doug:
They don't call me the "Green Monster" for nothing!
A few hours later …
Bill:
Hey, I emailed Wonkette on her baseball loyalties.
Doug:
Get out! And she replied?
Bill:
In a heartbeat. The Wonkette is all class … well, when she's not talking about ass-fucking that is. [Laughs]
Doug:
So what's the verdict? Is she the stuff of my Red Sox wet dreams?
Bill:
Verbatim from her email reply: " The Yankees are the Microsoft of baseball. I'd sooner vote for Bush than cheer for their raggedy pinstriped asses. …"
Doug:
Sweet!
Bill:
"But I hate to disappoint: As much as I hate the Yankees, and as much sympathy as I have for the Sox. . . I am a Cubs fan. Long suffering, loyal, disappointed. This is the year, amc"
Doug:
I was gonna guess she was for the Cubbies. That's cool. We are like kissing cousins, us and the Cubs fans.
Bill:
Hey, Curt motherfucking Schilling is in the house near the house where Ruth was born but he didn't build.
Doug:
three oh five p.m. Any chance of sneaking outta here early to catch it at the Cask?
Bill:
Let me see what I can do. Ol' man Scrivener still has his tighty whities all bunching up his ass, so no promises.
Bill:
Stout's nails the owners by pointing out how front offices salaries, which they totally control, have escalated in line with player salaries.
Mike:
Hmm … I guess I've never thought of that.
Bill:
That ain't the half of it. According to Stout, "Larry Lucchino reportedly makes in the mid- seven figures annually, and many GMs are above the million mark. Why? I just don’t get it. Wouldn’t that money have been better spent on some players? I mean, for what the Red Sox pay Lucchino they could have closed the A-Rod deal. Who would you rather have?"
Mike:
I want Lucchino! I want Lucchino! Yeah, who wants the best player in baseball when you can have a redundant executive? [Laughs]
Bill:
Yeah, read the whole thing. Stout isn't what you'd call enamored of the troika over on Yawkey Way.
Earlier, the Red Sox open the '04 season with a 7-2 loss to the Orioles …
Tara:
Love what he says about V-Tek, "My favorite player to watch on the Red Sox is Jason Varitek. Jason has a lot of hustle and a lot of leadership, plus he has a lot of subtle skills that you don’t see unless you focus on him."
Bill:
Good to hear not all S.A.B.R dudes are anti-Varitek.
Tara:
You're referring the bit in
Moneyball
where Beane's first decision as the Red Sox GM would have been ditching V-Tek? Never quite understood that either.
Bill:
You worried about Pedro?
Tara:
Well, not his health or pitching ability so much as fan perception …
Scene from a church:
And let us pray for the quick recovery of Nomar Garciaparra and Trot Nixon. And my God grant Keith Foulke a return to last season's dominant form considering his lackluster Spring.
An angry boss and lower than expected earnings has some of the Soxaholix at the office on a Saturday …
Bill:
Mike, if you crank on that report for Scrivener, we may be able to get out here by one.
Mike:
I'm on it like a mother-ah P.I.M.P. … Cask and Flagon?
Bill:
Absolutely. First round's on me. I'll buzz the rest of the crew.
Mike:
The ol' carrot and stick, eh, Bill?
Bill:
You know me, I'm the Grady Little of management and human resources. [Laughter] Speaking of carrot dicks, you read that prick Eric Neel's piece?
Mike:
Yeah, I've got Neel's "bad mojo target right here" Forget that obvious begging for attention, you hear Theo on WEEI?
Bill:
What are ya doin' listening to the radio when you've got that report to write?
Mike:
Dude, we've been through this before. Don't yank on my work style. I do what I gotta do. Comprende?
Bill:
Yeah, yeah, whatevs. Don't shit in your pants … What's the Boy Wonder saying?
Mike:
Trot is ahead of schedule and feeling great. The program they have him on in Miami will not only fix this recent injury, it will also help to prevent him from re-injuring his back in the future. He will begin baseball activities in 10-14 days, if not sooner … Mueller's arm is back to 100%. He's made some good throws so far today … Nomar has begun to respond to treatment. He will continue to rest.
Bill:
Right on!
Mike:
And, Pedro feels strong and is great, and Theo saw Pedro throw on the side a couple of days ago and he had the best fastball he's had all spring. Theo said he's not worried about Pedro or his health one bit.
Bill:
Yeah, but what about tomorrow's forecast in Baltimore, 32 degrees and snow? What the …
Mike:
No, worries. I was at the Sunday game following Opening Day 2001 in which it was around 40 degrees and raining. He whiffed 16 that day. He'll be fine tomorrow.
Bill:
I'm hearing the Passion of the Damon and a minor league prospect.
Tara:
.321 /.421 /.501 last year in 377 at bats. 10 HR 56 RBI 17 steals … Bradley's only 25 years old. If he can get his act together, he has a great upside. Damon and a minor leaguer sounds fair especially with the $$$ you save … As long as the prospect isn't one of our untouchables.
Tara:
I can't speak to his mental stability. He may be another Jurassic Carl in the making, but Pinto's wrong to besmirch this kid's talent. Bradleys' plate discipline has increased linearly over the last three years. The breakout year he had last year was only a continuation of his increasing skill set. The fact that the guy is only 25 means that last year's success is only likely to continue, if not bloom into something more.
Bill:
Agreed. Gotta run. The ol' Scrivener's gone mental over last quarter's earnings.
Tara:
Pity us. Let the outsourcing to India commence forthwith. [Laughter]
Back to our man Frankie... Funny how the media creates and hypes and bears its proverbial Janet Jackson tit for the sake of the Yankees v Red Sox rivalry…
Then makes fun of or hand wrings over their own creation?
Exactly.
Loop the loop. Spin begets spin. Sugar makes you tired and hyper.
